a stupid piece of vulnerability
Fandom: Glee
Characters: Blaine, Kurt
Summary: "Courage." So why can't Blaine take his own goddamn advice?
Originally Posted on: FF.net @ 09.21.11
Horrified. Terrified. Frightened. Afraid.
These are all things that Blaine Anderson feels, all thanks to the first coffee date of the school year.
Blaine shouldn't have been as freaked out as he was when Kurt brought up Blaine transferring to McKinley after their first days of school hours ago. He and Kurt had talked about Blaine transferring to McKinley before, once when they were just kidding around and then many more times after that with the underlying tone of seriousness. And manymore times after that in complete seriousness.
He honestly has no idea where he stands on the offer. On the one hand, it's Kurt. On the other… it's leaving Dalton, and facing people that he truly does not want to see, and going back to square one, where he started off jittery and always worried.
He just… he's scared. McKinley is so different from Dalton with its lack of an enforced "zero tolerance" policy, where torturing those in glee club is okay because it's at the bottom of the social heap, where things could go wrong over the simple fact that he's just being who he is.
He's told Kurt before: he ran away. He ran from the awful bullying back in his old school. He ran from the shoves into his locker and the hateful slurs behind his back. He ran from tall, strong jocks and the rude, terrible seniors. He ran from the judgment, and the shame, and the ever present constant fear that ruled his life before one violent act that landed him in a hospital room. He even managed to somewhat run away from his own father, who had never so much batted an eye at him now because it was all the man could do not to show his disappointment in Blaine.
He ran because it was the easiest option at the time. He ran because it made no sense for Blaine to be at a place he dreaded going to, a place where no one wanted him. He ran because he had no one to stand with, always being pushed down before he even got the chance to get back up again.
But Dalton? Dalton welcomed him with open arms. It gave him a sanctuary and a place to call his own with friends who were fine with who he was. It gave him safety and hope that maybe everyone in the world wasn't out to get him and crush him into pieces.
Still, that didn't mean that Blaine would ever let anyone else see him with that hope, with that very minute vulnerability. He had learned from his mistakes in the past: you can't trust anyone. Which was the entire reason why he put up a mask when he was at Dalton, transforming himself from the shy, quiet Blaine Anderson to the school's lead soloist Blaine "Warbler". The persona was relatively easy to keep up with; smile, sing, show no fear, repeat. No one ever saw anything deeper than that, and that was exactly what Blaine wanted. People might have still judged him, but they judged him on things he knew he was great at, so nothing bad ever came at him anymore.
And then Kurt came into his life with his hurt-filled eyes and beaten down passion, and Blaine just saw so much of himself that he couldn't help but get close to the fair skinned boy. He didn't even realize that he got close enough to drop the mask he had worn for so long, and had shown the tiny piece of vulnerability he had left in him. Small, but ever present.
And that stupid, tiny piece is what's making Blaine extremely anxious right now. Making him scared shitless over the fact that his boyfriend wants him to transfer to a public school where he may very well just throw out the progress he'd made for himself the past two years.
Then again, that public school had Kurt. Kurt, who had been fighting his battles by himself for so long now. Kurt, who had been facing the closed minded assholes with a brave face and a fierce attitude. Kurt, who was still every bit as lost as Blaine was, sometimes just trying to make it through the day. Kurt, who had fled from the stifling sanctuary of Dalton's walls, turning back to the institution that couldn't keep him safe anymore in order to find happiness and a true sense of belonging. It always inspired Blaine how much strength and courage Kurt had to do that.
Courage.
It's a piece of advice he's given to Kurt. A simple word that caused a chain reaction of events that Blaine would never have imagined happen. A word that had affected Kurt's life so much because he eventually learned the true meaning of it and had begun facing his own demons.
So why can't Blaine take his own goddamn advice? Why can't he have courage and stand up to the bullies that chased him away? Why can't he be the hero that does something? Why is he the one who's running away in fear of getting knocked down?
Well, then again, Blaine's always said that he regretted running. He still does, to be perfectly honest. He regrets not even bothering to attempt standing up for himself. He regrets having all these "what if"s occupying his mind. He regrets letting everyone at his old school get to him. He regrets letting no one at Dalton truly get to him after that. He regrets preaching empty words that he himself would never try.
… until now, though.
Because, maybe - maybe that's it. Blaine regrets; he still has hopes and fears and is sometimes purposely oblivious to things because he doesn't want to take the goddamn chance. But maybe he can change that. Maybe he can drop the mask now, let him be who he is and let himself preach words that he can understand because he's doing it himself. And if he fails, he sure as hell tried, and that's something Blaine knows he won't regret.
That makes the decision for Blaine then. He'll take a stand and rebel against the judgmental minds of Ohio. He'll move on, move forward, and do something he should have done before, something he can do now because he's learning and getting better at this kind of stuff everyday.
And if Kurt's there to move forward too? To take that stand with him? Well, that's a perk Blaine is more than willing to accept.
-.-.-.-.-
Later, when Blaine finally announces to Kurt that he's transferring to McKinley and receives the greatest tackle-hug ever given in life, Blaine says he's doing it for himself. It's so that he can be with the one he truly loves, and because the beautiful smile Kurt gives him makes his heart soar and makes him forget about everything else. The romantic declaration's not a lie - not at all - because he loves Kurt enough to start planning a forever that everyone says he's still too young to think about.
It's better, though, when Blaine finally remembers the original reason of why he transferred, and he tells Kurt about it, because the amount of love and adoration and respectthat he sees in Kurt's gorgeous baby blues truly do make his decision worth it.
-.-.-.-.-
He's not going to regret. He's not going to run away. Not anymore.