A Complete Unknown
I can't sleep. I've been trying to sleep for a couple hours now and nothing really worked. It's very annoying. Maybe I'll start updating once more. It is an interesting trip from where I was when I graduated high school to where I am now. I don't know what happened. Maybe I could figure it out if I wasn't myself. I've made few good decisions in the past few years. In fact, I've made multiple self sabotaging decisions. I think that I've had chronic depression for the past few years. Or maybe I've just been a lazy worthless person. Chronic depression makes sense and it makes me feel better about myself now. The thought that there was no reason for my worthlessness is itself very depressing.
I remember one day while I was in high school. It was a half day and I went over to Megan's house to watch a movie. It was the first time I had hung out with her. Another couple days that I think were before that was the trip to Cleveland. They stand out because I feel like these were the last times I was extremely happy. There were moments afterwards for sure but nothing sustained. Even these moments feel forced. As if I knew I should have been enjoying myself but I just felt nervous.
I feel like I lived the past few years waiting for life to collapse on me. It never did, instead it fell apart brick by brick. And I ended up where I feared I was going to be only it cost me extra time.
I've felt better the past month. There have been points where I've felt better in the past though and have fallen back on the old ways. Still I haven't exactly made any big changes. I'm not the person I was in high school but up until recently I still had the same friends. So when I got depressed and stopped hanging out with them there's been no real motivation to re-establish friendships with them. Making friends is annoying though mostly because people are annoying and they give you plenty of reasons not to like them. Still something has to be done in this area eventually. I don't know what I want to do yet.
There's a lot more introspective stuff to go over. There is the irony of my personality/friendships. Where with some people I'd be too apologetic/nervous/wimpish with some friends and with others I'd be too much of an asshole. And if I could have reversed how I was with who things would have been fine. Instead I just grated on myself. I'm fairly confident I have the perfect personality. unfortunately could never hit the middle of the two extremes enough.
Maybe you can tell after all that I'm very self-absorbed. Lately I've been reading about the human condition. There's some interesting stuff in how a person is biologically designed to respond to certain events.
And I have 'Like a Rolling Stone' stuck in my head.
I remember one day while I was in high school. It was a half day and I went over to Megan's house to watch a movie. It was the first time I had hung out with her. Another couple days that I think were before that was the trip to Cleveland. They stand out because I feel like these were the last times I was extremely happy. There were moments afterwards for sure but nothing sustained. Even these moments feel forced. As if I knew I should have been enjoying myself but I just felt nervous.
I feel like I lived the past few years waiting for life to collapse on me. It never did, instead it fell apart brick by brick. And I ended up where I feared I was going to be only it cost me extra time.
I've felt better the past month. There have been points where I've felt better in the past though and have fallen back on the old ways. Still I haven't exactly made any big changes. I'm not the person I was in high school but up until recently I still had the same friends. So when I got depressed and stopped hanging out with them there's been no real motivation to re-establish friendships with them. Making friends is annoying though mostly because people are annoying and they give you plenty of reasons not to like them. Still something has to be done in this area eventually. I don't know what I want to do yet.
There's a lot more introspective stuff to go over. There is the irony of my personality/friendships. Where with some people I'd be too apologetic/nervous/wimpish with some friends and with others I'd be too much of an asshole. And if I could have reversed how I was with who things would have been fine. Instead I just grated on myself. I'm fairly confident I have the perfect personality. unfortunately could never hit the middle of the two extremes enough.
Maybe you can tell after all that I'm very self-absorbed. Lately I've been reading about the human condition. There's some interesting stuff in how a person is biologically designed to respond to certain events.
And I have 'Like a Rolling Stone' stuck in my head.