Okay, so.
it is almost 5am. The sun is coming up. Why am I not asleep? I am better, but still down. I am not mad anymore, just sad. I feel like I am of no use to him right now. I am scared that she will take my place because i can't be what he needs. I am afraid that things with her will progress quicker than they are with me, and that she will soon meet up with me, or worse yet, pass me up. I feel like a whore sometimes.
I am going to Olympia today. I don't know if I am going to sleep. I don't know if I even want to know what my dreams will be like. Besides, Keagan won't keep still. She is really aggressive tonight.
You know what worries me? She can hear everything right now. The only real people that talk around me are my mom, him, and i. I am worried that she will know his voice as "the male" or her dad. I don't want that for her. He doesn't want that, im sure.
The state will not let me make tyler give up his rights. There is no paperwork. I am forced to be a single mom with a whiny tag-along. I can't raise him, too. He wants me to work for him; to make the effort that he doesnt want to put up.
I have bought all the furniture for her, I have gotten all the clothes together, or traded the ones i couldn't use for ones I could, I got her insurance and take her to the doctor every month, I am the one who has been in and out of the hospital for different complications, I am the one who has to keep her safe and carry her and make sure that nothing bad happens to her, I am the one who has to alter my entire way of living so she can survive, I am her one and only parent. He is not the dad. I don't want her to associate abandonment and carelessness to fatherhood. I don't want his influence on her. I wish that I could just keep him away. Unfortunately, the state says I need another dood to take the place. Yeah, right. Like that's gonna happen. I haven't been able to find a stable guy in 20 years for me, how am I going to find one for her? She deserves more than tyler has to offer. She deserves to be acknowledged.
You know, my journal has been getting me in a lot of trouble lately. But you know what? IT'S A FUCKING JOURNAL! it is where you write all the things you feel inside. There is no right and wrong. It is a place to sort out your head! If you don't like it, don't read it, but don't get pissed at me for it. I am not writing about other people's drama, I am not writing about "he said, she said" shit. I am writing how I feel and what I think. This is for me, not you. If you don't like it, close the browser window. It is not that hard, people. But most of all, please don't take anything I say to heart. This is raw. This is uncensored, and most of the time, not at all thought through. This is my place to think. Would you rather hear me rant like this all day, everyday? I know some of you have, and thank you so much for it. You know who you are. It means so much. Imagine if I didn't have a journal and how much I would be bitching then!
I have been working with my art/craft stuff a lot more lately. It is a great outlet, but it still doesnt seem to be enough. I am painting, sculpting, sewing, drawing, obviously writing, I have even started doing my hair and make-up when I wake up. No matter how hard I am trying though, it still doesnt seem to be enough. It still doesn't seem to help enough to keep me from going insane. I think I just need more hugs. No, not from you. Only his hugs seem to help me any :-\ I really hate being so high maintnance. This is not me. This is not what I am like normally.
I really should get some sleep. I am so scared of the dreams, though. I hate waking up alone after that. They are all about him now. Him and her. But then, all my dreams have been about him lately. I wish he could accept me now. I wish I were good enough soon. I can't go through this and all the things I am about to face. I keep hoping (though I know it is not gonna happen) that when he sees her face, sees her born, he will realize that we are all he needs. Unfortunately, wishes do not come true and I have too vivid an imagination for my own good.
I saw a counselor today. She was really nice. She said it sounded like I was being used, though. I have to agree, it does. She said I had some serious abandonment issues with both my mom and dad and that I need to get away from both of them for my own sanity and keagan's. I agree with that, as well. My case worker keeps telling me how much potential I have and how smart and creative and talented I am. I don't think I am any more than average. At anything.
I am so freaking tired of hearing "you're smarter than that", or "I know that you are capable of more". I try my hardest at just about everything I do. It is never good enough. I consider my bad grades in school a result of just giving up after my best not being good enough for so long. I wasn't even allowed to stay after school and talk to my mentor. WTF? Because her son was a juvenile delinquent. She was still a teacher, and a damn fine one at that. I put in about 3 applications for jobs. Dad says "if you wanted a job that badly, you would have one right now." That is most definitely NOT the case.
And now that I bring them up? Ugh. No, Susan, I will not censor my god damned journal. Here it is. Well, some of it.
My Grandma says I should apologize to my dad and Susan. WHY? I have every right to say what the hell ever I god damned well please. This is my fucking journal. Grandma said I should say I am sorry because they wanted to throw me a baby shower. A baby shower? After they made it abundantly clear that me being pregnant was unacceptable? She told Emma that DAWN was the one who was going to have the baby. The one who was going to give her a new cousin. I was right there, sitting with just as much of a baby in my belly, listening to this! Yes, mind you, my sister is pregnant. Yes, KC is Emma's cousin. That is not the point. The point is that she acted like that is what made Aunt Dawn different than Aunt Keren. Matt noticed it, too, and he was pissed! He would never tell them that, though. But you know, I did try to talk to my dad the other day. Tell him what was up. Let me him know how hard I was trying because for some reason, I still seem to think it matters what he thinks. Well, I told him that I had been wanting to talk to him, but he had been understandably busy, because he had two jobs. He seemed to want to remind me of this and repeated it as if to rub it in my face since I have no job. I decided to try a different approach, and tell him how I felt and why I was upset. Not that I was apologizing for my feelings, but try to explain why I felt the way I felt. I told him I wished he had some faith in me. His response? "well, I would if you ever gave me a reason to have faith in you". HOW ABOUT I'M YOU'RE DAUGHTER? How about I have 8 months to completely turn my entire life around, and I have been doing a damn good job at it? How about I will be a great parent because I actually care about my kid enough to know something about them??
This doesn't work. I still feel the need to censor so much. This is all bullshit. I should be able to write whatever I want. However, it is almost 6 now, and I feel this entry is getting waay too long. Good morning, all. I hope you have a great day.
Gordham out.
I am going to Olympia today. I don't know if I am going to sleep. I don't know if I even want to know what my dreams will be like. Besides, Keagan won't keep still. She is really aggressive tonight.
You know what worries me? She can hear everything right now. The only real people that talk around me are my mom, him, and i. I am worried that she will know his voice as "the male" or her dad. I don't want that for her. He doesn't want that, im sure.
The state will not let me make tyler give up his rights. There is no paperwork. I am forced to be a single mom with a whiny tag-along. I can't raise him, too. He wants me to work for him; to make the effort that he doesnt want to put up.
I have bought all the furniture for her, I have gotten all the clothes together, or traded the ones i couldn't use for ones I could, I got her insurance and take her to the doctor every month, I am the one who has been in and out of the hospital for different complications, I am the one who has to keep her safe and carry her and make sure that nothing bad happens to her, I am the one who has to alter my entire way of living so she can survive, I am her one and only parent. He is not the dad. I don't want her to associate abandonment and carelessness to fatherhood. I don't want his influence on her. I wish that I could just keep him away. Unfortunately, the state says I need another dood to take the place. Yeah, right. Like that's gonna happen. I haven't been able to find a stable guy in 20 years for me, how am I going to find one for her? She deserves more than tyler has to offer. She deserves to be acknowledged.
You know, my journal has been getting me in a lot of trouble lately. But you know what? IT'S A FUCKING JOURNAL! it is where you write all the things you feel inside. There is no right and wrong. It is a place to sort out your head! If you don't like it, don't read it, but don't get pissed at me for it. I am not writing about other people's drama, I am not writing about "he said, she said" shit. I am writing how I feel and what I think. This is for me, not you. If you don't like it, close the browser window. It is not that hard, people. But most of all, please don't take anything I say to heart. This is raw. This is uncensored, and most of the time, not at all thought through. This is my place to think. Would you rather hear me rant like this all day, everyday? I know some of you have, and thank you so much for it. You know who you are. It means so much. Imagine if I didn't have a journal and how much I would be bitching then!
I have been working with my art/craft stuff a lot more lately. It is a great outlet, but it still doesnt seem to be enough. I am painting, sculpting, sewing, drawing, obviously writing, I have even started doing my hair and make-up when I wake up. No matter how hard I am trying though, it still doesnt seem to be enough. It still doesn't seem to help enough to keep me from going insane. I think I just need more hugs. No, not from you. Only his hugs seem to help me any :-\ I really hate being so high maintnance. This is not me. This is not what I am like normally.
I really should get some sleep. I am so scared of the dreams, though. I hate waking up alone after that. They are all about him now. Him and her. But then, all my dreams have been about him lately. I wish he could accept me now. I wish I were good enough soon. I can't go through this and all the things I am about to face. I keep hoping (though I know it is not gonna happen) that when he sees her face, sees her born, he will realize that we are all he needs. Unfortunately, wishes do not come true and I have too vivid an imagination for my own good.
I saw a counselor today. She was really nice. She said it sounded like I was being used, though. I have to agree, it does. She said I had some serious abandonment issues with both my mom and dad and that I need to get away from both of them for my own sanity and keagan's. I agree with that, as well. My case worker keeps telling me how much potential I have and how smart and creative and talented I am. I don't think I am any more than average. At anything.
I am so freaking tired of hearing "you're smarter than that", or "I know that you are capable of more". I try my hardest at just about everything I do. It is never good enough. I consider my bad grades in school a result of just giving up after my best not being good enough for so long. I wasn't even allowed to stay after school and talk to my mentor. WTF? Because her son was a juvenile delinquent. She was still a teacher, and a damn fine one at that. I put in about 3 applications for jobs. Dad says "if you wanted a job that badly, you would have one right now." That is most definitely NOT the case.
And now that I bring them up? Ugh. No, Susan, I will not censor my god damned journal. Here it is. Well, some of it.
My Grandma says I should apologize to my dad and Susan. WHY? I have every right to say what the hell ever I god damned well please. This is my fucking journal. Grandma said I should say I am sorry because they wanted to throw me a baby shower. A baby shower? After they made it abundantly clear that me being pregnant was unacceptable? She told Emma that DAWN was the one who was going to have the baby. The one who was going to give her a new cousin. I was right there, sitting with just as much of a baby in my belly, listening to this! Yes, mind you, my sister is pregnant. Yes, KC is Emma's cousin. That is not the point. The point is that she acted like that is what made Aunt Dawn different than Aunt Keren. Matt noticed it, too, and he was pissed! He would never tell them that, though. But you know, I did try to talk to my dad the other day. Tell him what was up. Let me him know how hard I was trying because for some reason, I still seem to think it matters what he thinks. Well, I told him that I had been wanting to talk to him, but he had been understandably busy, because he had two jobs. He seemed to want to remind me of this and repeated it as if to rub it in my face since I have no job. I decided to try a different approach, and tell him how I felt and why I was upset. Not that I was apologizing for my feelings, but try to explain why I felt the way I felt. I told him I wished he had some faith in me. His response? "well, I would if you ever gave me a reason to have faith in you". HOW ABOUT I'M YOU'RE DAUGHTER? How about I have 8 months to completely turn my entire life around, and I have been doing a damn good job at it? How about I will be a great parent because I actually care about my kid enough to know something about them??
This doesn't work. I still feel the need to censor so much. This is all bullshit. I should be able to write whatever I want. However, it is almost 6 now, and I feel this entry is getting waay too long. Good morning, all. I hope you have a great day.
Gordham out.