Running Into Every Brick Wall

Apr 20, 2006 09:12

+I have begun this post about three times.

+I just don't know how to express myself anymore. I feel so...backed into a corner that I can't get out. Things are just falling apart. I was anticipating on making certain grades in certain classes and now it doesn't look like any of it is going to happen. My GPA is going to drop and that really hurts. I really want to go to NYU and to go to someplace like that, I need to be the best that there is. I swear if your answer is to study more, I don't want to hear it. There is only so much I can do before it is out of my hands. I don't want to do any of it anymore. Being an English major is not a walk in the park and I wish more people would start to recognize that. And it's not like Grad school is so wonderful choice I get to make, I pretty much have to go, especially since what I really want to do is not offered here. I know I shouldn't be worried about it now but I hate how people keep trying to tell me what to do and how to feel. If I want to be worried about something three years away because what I do NOW drastically affects that, then I can worry about it. I know my writing will have to speak for myself and I'm not to going to apologize for having confidence in it...but it's hard when you're fighting against people coming from more prestigious universities.

+I have back-up plans but I feel that I settle too much already.

+The FAFSA is the most stupid thing ever created. I'm sick and tired of getting the GOOD grades like I have always been told to do and having to turn around and pay for it anyway. I'm sorry but it's not motivation to do any better when you know that the government only sees your class and family income as some sort of manifestation of you. They don't look at the bigger picture because they don't care. BUT we can spend billions of dollars on land that is just going to flood again next year ANYWAY! BUT we can spend billions of dollars on some stupid war that NO ONE IS WINNING. BUT we can spend billions of dollars on other countries when people in our own are starving and jobless. Every time I see those figures on the news and calculate how much I will be in debt from getting a degree that I NEED to get anyway in order to eat in this country, I wanna throw-up.

+I feel like I use my dad for too much. I feel like he pays for too much already and when I don't get all A's, I feel like I am letting him down. I know he doesn't feel that way but he gets so stressed so easily and I just try to make myself the good child all the time. I think that is why I loose my temper or frustration at school and at my roommate so much. I know I am not perfect and I dealt with that a long time ago and I wouldn't wanna be living with me anyway. I don't know how she has survived this long. I'm just sick and tired of trying to make everyone happy and doing everything that everyone else wants to do. I'm not apologizing for spending the money that I worked hard for and saved. I didn't do a lot of things the past few years because I was saving for college on the off-hand that I didn't get anything from the FAFSA. I was the only back-up plan. So yeah, I said no to a lot and saved a lot of money and sure, I complain that I have to pay for crap and I know that I could save it for other things, but it's my money. I worked for it and though it may not look like it, I do budget myself. I get angry when people try to tell me what to do with money and how I should handle it when they don't know how much I have or what my loan covers of my tuition. I have to pay for school eventually and by that time; I will have (hopefully) a decent job where I don't have to count my pennies every day. I'd rather spend the money on myself to buy things or do things that I don't do everyday. If I have a good time, I have a good time. I know I shop too much but, and I know this sounds like bullshit, but my weight changes. I can't just keep things forever like other people can and I'm insanely jealous of that. I know people's answer to that is work out but it's not really that simple. If I want to spend the money to get highlights or get my nails done, I'm going to do it. Before a month ago, I hadn't gotten highlights in a long time (and it's been a year since I have gotten a manicure. I have to pay for the stuff I buy and if I choose to spend my money on that then I will. I have my money and if I got something expensive, like a car or an apartment, I would be paying for it all. I know how much I have now and I know about how much I will be making this summer and it's not enough to pay for either one of those things. I would like both one day but it's just not possible to do either now. Especially a car, which I have to constantly be putting money in, and by the time I pay it off...I plan on being in NY and not needing a car anyway. Now THAT would be throwing my money away.

+And in English, I figured out how much money I missed out on last summer because I only 32 hours a week instead of 40 and I could have used that money to buy my books last semester. I swear...I'm working until they force me to leave this summer. And I hope I get a raise.

+I just wanted to get things off my chest because I feel like I don't have a positive outlet, or anyone to really talk to, other than this journal.
Previous post Next post
Up