Voluntary flux
This time of transition is dragging out a bit. With illness, I am not able to move as quickly or fully enjoy the tempests of the time.
I'm thoroughly enjoying the extra time with each of my parents. A 5 minute coffee here, a walk to the vegetable market there, an extra logistics conversation here, but also unfortunately, opportunities for me to be rude or frustrated as well. I can only hope that my rudeness is made up by the extra interface with the children that they get.
The non-working role is a misnomer of course. The work at home is on the feet and tiring. My days start between 4:45am and 5:45am, and then I'm on my feet until about 10:45pm, save maybe an hour in total between lunch, nap-time, homework etc. when I'm seated. After 10:45pm, more often than not there is still something to keep me on my feet for another hour before I collapse with ended energy.
Fortunately my mother has been helping when I've been sick, so I've gotten 2 hrs or so to rest or sleep in the afternoon for the last 2 days. Overall, that's 17 to 19 hours on my feet without a whole lot of "me" time. I don't EVER remember getting to the point of daily exhaustion collapse in St. Louis, even when I was pregnant and exercising. And it's stifling to not be able to take breaks to learn things about the world or expand my perspective beyond my immediacies.
Some of the work is childcare, and so far a lot of it is transition, but a lot of the work is very tedious housework: Cleaning, organizing, washing and tidying up behind kids, sheet changing, bed making, accident cleanup, disciplining, cooking, planning, grocery / supplies management, ironing, maid / cook delegation etc. The pace is not slower exactly, but it's different. I had not tried being a "housewife" or SAHM as it is called in the U.S. So I don't have a reference point. Since I had all sorts of systems set up in the States, I think it would have been a lot easier. Groceries, Recipes, Meals, Kitchen, House, Geographies, Transport, Supplies, Recycling, Trash, Laundry etc. are among the many inter-related systems that were established, matured and would have made the job easy even with earlier return of children.
Sitting at the office comfortably at one's desk, being able to stop for a cup of tea or an adult conversation and apply one's mind towards a problem or even a few is luxury in comparison. Even on those crazy-intense meetings-all-over-the-place-on-multiple-topics days are relatively less exhausting than the tedium of on the feet for menial work. I am told that I will get to the point of sitting around and having coffee the way one pictures housewives doing, but a very competent friend who's been doing this for a year seems to have to pencil me in even for a 30 minute phone call, so I'm not counting on it. Chad's late wife used to mock the situation with a phrase about eating bon-bons all day, and that phrase is looping in my mind.
I am not comfortable with a "full-timer" aka as a "live-in". Indeed, the social class structure here warrants its own full post, and is pending. I prefer to have working relationships that end each day, rather than relationships that raise uncomfortable questions regarding ethics and responsibility (hours of "work", health & wellness etc.). So I have to seek my solutions within the reaches of my comfort.
I am also unclear as to where my role begins and ends and where Derek's begins and ends for the household. There are plenty of things that I don't yet feel like I have time to tackle yet. For example there isn't enough time yet to go shopping for light fixtures or household effects. Derek scheduled the deep cleaning, which I felt badly for not having done.
This is a period of volatility. Granted, it is purely voluntary, and I sought out this experience as well as this role, but navigating it is not easy and not trivial. My identity is at stake as is my self confidence and I am curious about the reference point of others, friends, colleagues and mentors who largely seem to see me the same way even though I'm having a hard time seeing myself that way. From a distance people tell me, "Oh yes, it will sort itself out, hang tight", or some such glibly comfortable thing. Time is essential yes, but it is also what I do with that time that is critical. I can't just sit around doing what comes naturally and expect that time in and of itself will transform our situation.
The days yet feel confused and half-bitten; stale before I finish it, each day attracts fruit flies and ants before I can throw it away in the wet-trash. The morning has a structure, but by the time I am able to utilize the day, childcare duties begin and my day has already ended in an exhausting heap of mothering logistics. I would like to say that my children are enjoying the extra time with me, but it may well be that any extra time they're getting they sorely need to process their own transitions and may therefore be a wash.
So far I feel like a failure at being a housewife, but I'm determined to create and seek my own success.
I'm thoroughly enjoying the extra time with each of my parents. A 5 minute coffee here, a walk to the vegetable market there, an extra logistics conversation here, but also unfortunately, opportunities for me to be rude or frustrated as well. I can only hope that my rudeness is made up by the extra interface with the children that they get.
The non-working role is a misnomer of course. The work at home is on the feet and tiring. My days start between 4:45am and 5:45am, and then I'm on my feet until about 10:45pm, save maybe an hour in total between lunch, nap-time, homework etc. when I'm seated. After 10:45pm, more often than not there is still something to keep me on my feet for another hour before I collapse with ended energy.
Fortunately my mother has been helping when I've been sick, so I've gotten 2 hrs or so to rest or sleep in the afternoon for the last 2 days. Overall, that's 17 to 19 hours on my feet without a whole lot of "me" time. I don't EVER remember getting to the point of daily exhaustion collapse in St. Louis, even when I was pregnant and exercising. And it's stifling to not be able to take breaks to learn things about the world or expand my perspective beyond my immediacies.
Some of the work is childcare, and so far a lot of it is transition, but a lot of the work is very tedious housework: Cleaning, organizing, washing and tidying up behind kids, sheet changing, bed making, accident cleanup, disciplining, cooking, planning, grocery / supplies management, ironing, maid / cook delegation etc. The pace is not slower exactly, but it's different. I had not tried being a "housewife" or SAHM as it is called in the U.S. So I don't have a reference point. Since I had all sorts of systems set up in the States, I think it would have been a lot easier. Groceries, Recipes, Meals, Kitchen, House, Geographies, Transport, Supplies, Recycling, Trash, Laundry etc. are among the many inter-related systems that were established, matured and would have made the job easy even with earlier return of children.
Sitting at the office comfortably at one's desk, being able to stop for a cup of tea or an adult conversation and apply one's mind towards a problem or even a few is luxury in comparison. Even on those crazy-intense meetings-all-over-the-place-on-multiple-topics days are relatively less exhausting than the tedium of on the feet for menial work. I am told that I will get to the point of sitting around and having coffee the way one pictures housewives doing, but a very competent friend who's been doing this for a year seems to have to pencil me in even for a 30 minute phone call, so I'm not counting on it. Chad's late wife used to mock the situation with a phrase about eating bon-bons all day, and that phrase is looping in my mind.
I am not comfortable with a "full-timer" aka as a "live-in". Indeed, the social class structure here warrants its own full post, and is pending. I prefer to have working relationships that end each day, rather than relationships that raise uncomfortable questions regarding ethics and responsibility (hours of "work", health & wellness etc.). So I have to seek my solutions within the reaches of my comfort.
I am also unclear as to where my role begins and ends and where Derek's begins and ends for the household. There are plenty of things that I don't yet feel like I have time to tackle yet. For example there isn't enough time yet to go shopping for light fixtures or household effects. Derek scheduled the deep cleaning, which I felt badly for not having done.
This is a period of volatility. Granted, it is purely voluntary, and I sought out this experience as well as this role, but navigating it is not easy and not trivial. My identity is at stake as is my self confidence and I am curious about the reference point of others, friends, colleagues and mentors who largely seem to see me the same way even though I'm having a hard time seeing myself that way. From a distance people tell me, "Oh yes, it will sort itself out, hang tight", or some such glibly comfortable thing. Time is essential yes, but it is also what I do with that time that is critical. I can't just sit around doing what comes naturally and expect that time in and of itself will transform our situation.
The days yet feel confused and half-bitten; stale before I finish it, each day attracts fruit flies and ants before I can throw it away in the wet-trash. The morning has a structure, but by the time I am able to utilize the day, childcare duties begin and my day has already ended in an exhausting heap of mothering logistics. I would like to say that my children are enjoying the extra time with me, but it may well be that any extra time they're getting they sorely need to process their own transitions and may therefore be a wash.
So far I feel like a failure at being a housewife, but I'm determined to create and seek my own success.