Rationality, Tiredness & Aloneness
I am a jumble of thoughts. Gone are the days of lucidness in thought and clarity in expression. I feel like a mess inside and out.
I'm attempting to capture some of it, and I'm not sure where to begin.
About 5 years ago, I went to the doctor to report a loss in brain power along with depression. He told me I was a hypochondriac and sent me home. That was pretty discouraging. The depression got better and I had a brilliant 6 months, about 3 years ago in a fabulous work situation that brought all my previous brain power back. Since then it has deteriorated again.
I find it harder to think, and sometimes, surprisingly, harder to emote. I'm guessing that it is a combination of tiredness, job related stress / difficulties, lifestyle changes (lack of exercise) all contributing to a chemical imbalance.
4 days out of 7, I feel incredibly tired. Not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally. Too often I feel that life is very very long. I wonder how I am going to muster the energy to carry on for 30, 40 or even 50 more years and I dread it. Regularly I feel ready for death right now. Not in any morbid or self piteous sort of way. But just as a matter of fact, tired, readiness. Also curiosity and hope that perhaps all the things I am trying so hard to learn in life will somehow magically become available to me after death. I see death as a sort of panacea to all the ills, or even the pains and the efforts of life.
Even as I write this, I wonder how I will worsen my life by vocalizing these negative, repulsive thoughts. This is a good post to mark "friends-only", in case a potential employer were to find my blog. I must remember to make it so in a few days. In life though, it seems that everyone is a potential employer in some ways. It is no wonder that negative energy is a huge barrier to overcome - the best of friends don't know how to overcome it, and lesser friends simply turn away from it. The reality of every person's aloneness in the world is compelling. And I haven't yet fully understood or accepted this spiritual concept.
A friend reminded me that I have a responsibility to live now, to my daughter. Rationally I know that is true, but I have a hard time internalizing it. I feel so tired. Some people discuss their sleep constantly and I can begin to understand why. One's energy levels can affect everything, and shake the very way that one is able to view life.
Energy draws energy, and I have to work harder than ever to fake it. and I do try every day. 3 days of out 7, I feel more "normal". But the others days, I rationally tell myself that it will pass and I try to ignore or deny what I am feeling. Some days, like today, I am too tired even to deny it.
I guess I somehow have to find the energy to try one modification at a time. I know that the easiest, and biggest impact will come from a change that I cannot yet make. Yet, I will take steps towards that change. Cyclically, I need enormous amounts of energy to work towards that change.
A slightly easier modification to try is to ramp up exercise and my fitness level. Hopefully if I can somehow get over the initial difficulty, I will be able to get to a place where I will have more energy and can run on lower re-fuels such as sleep.
Knowing my situation rationally doesn't change the crushing emotional or mental reality of it. And some days are more crushing than others. I am tired and I feel very alone in my life path. Having a child, a loving family and a generally good life with many positive things do not erase the chemistry, or the aloneness.
Somewhere in this swirling mist of reduced brain power, reduced energy and reduced desire to live, I'm still trying and fighting. There are some wins. But some days, like today, it feels like a losing battle, other days I feel like I have no choice in order to remain afloat, and on some rarer days, it doesn't quite feel like a battle.
Everyone has days, I am sure, when they feel like life is long or takes more effort than they have. I guess I am having these days with alarming regularity. I could use a win or two that is external. Or maybe I just need a few nights of good sleep. It's a lonely path.
I'm attempting to capture some of it, and I'm not sure where to begin.
About 5 years ago, I went to the doctor to report a loss in brain power along with depression. He told me I was a hypochondriac and sent me home. That was pretty discouraging. The depression got better and I had a brilliant 6 months, about 3 years ago in a fabulous work situation that brought all my previous brain power back. Since then it has deteriorated again.
I find it harder to think, and sometimes, surprisingly, harder to emote. I'm guessing that it is a combination of tiredness, job related stress / difficulties, lifestyle changes (lack of exercise) all contributing to a chemical imbalance.
4 days out of 7, I feel incredibly tired. Not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally. Too often I feel that life is very very long. I wonder how I am going to muster the energy to carry on for 30, 40 or even 50 more years and I dread it. Regularly I feel ready for death right now. Not in any morbid or self piteous sort of way. But just as a matter of fact, tired, readiness. Also curiosity and hope that perhaps all the things I am trying so hard to learn in life will somehow magically become available to me after death. I see death as a sort of panacea to all the ills, or even the pains and the efforts of life.
Even as I write this, I wonder how I will worsen my life by vocalizing these negative, repulsive thoughts. This is a good post to mark "friends-only", in case a potential employer were to find my blog. I must remember to make it so in a few days. In life though, it seems that everyone is a potential employer in some ways. It is no wonder that negative energy is a huge barrier to overcome - the best of friends don't know how to overcome it, and lesser friends simply turn away from it. The reality of every person's aloneness in the world is compelling. And I haven't yet fully understood or accepted this spiritual concept.
A friend reminded me that I have a responsibility to live now, to my daughter. Rationally I know that is true, but I have a hard time internalizing it. I feel so tired. Some people discuss their sleep constantly and I can begin to understand why. One's energy levels can affect everything, and shake the very way that one is able to view life.
Energy draws energy, and I have to work harder than ever to fake it. and I do try every day. 3 days of out 7, I feel more "normal". But the others days, I rationally tell myself that it will pass and I try to ignore or deny what I am feeling. Some days, like today, I am too tired even to deny it.
I guess I somehow have to find the energy to try one modification at a time. I know that the easiest, and biggest impact will come from a change that I cannot yet make. Yet, I will take steps towards that change. Cyclically, I need enormous amounts of energy to work towards that change.
A slightly easier modification to try is to ramp up exercise and my fitness level. Hopefully if I can somehow get over the initial difficulty, I will be able to get to a place where I will have more energy and can run on lower re-fuels such as sleep.
Knowing my situation rationally doesn't change the crushing emotional or mental reality of it. And some days are more crushing than others. I am tired and I feel very alone in my life path. Having a child, a loving family and a generally good life with many positive things do not erase the chemistry, or the aloneness.
Somewhere in this swirling mist of reduced brain power, reduced energy and reduced desire to live, I'm still trying and fighting. There are some wins. But some days, like today, it feels like a losing battle, other days I feel like I have no choice in order to remain afloat, and on some rarer days, it doesn't quite feel like a battle.
Everyone has days, I am sure, when they feel like life is long or takes more effort than they have. I guess I am having these days with alarming regularity. I could use a win or two that is external. Or maybe I just need a few nights of good sleep. It's a lonely path.