Work sucks
There are times in all our lives when our emotions, anxieties and stresses take over us. We don't feel like we're in control and there is varying amounts of blackness that closes in.
Lately it has been such a time for me. Work has sucked big time. I don't feel valued or recognized and have even questioned my own contribution. I often have the capability to impress people. I work hard and I believe contribute a lot. I can't tell if I am currently surrounded by people who are all so brilliant, so hardworking and so valuable, that I am average in their midst, or whether some of what I do is just not observed and therefore neither credited nor aknowledged.
Realistically, I think the truth may be some combination of the two. However, if that is so, I am sadly not getting the benefit of the brilliance of those around me. What I'm getting instead is a bit of unfair comparison and the overlooking or recognition of my unique skills.
At the beginning of last year I was sent to a client site for work. The client had requested "A junior level person for a senior level job" (in the words of my boss), putting my company in a difficult situation. The company sent me. Not necessarily because they thought me a good candidate to do the job, but simply because I was "available" to go. Although I did not want to & made that clear, I complied with the company's request. I performed excellently while I was there. I took initiative to present my company well, over and above simply doing my job well. I took intitiave to find the company work and kept my eye open for how to expand the relationship between the two entities. I had a difficult boss there and many changes in the role that I was playing and I handled those with integrity and intelligence. I managed a project of significant size (more than my company thought I could handle) singlehandedly, and overcame some difficult situations that involved my company, bringing them through unscathed, where their relationship with the client could have been damaged. I progressed my own career and skill set. None of this was recognized at my parent company. As I slowly understood this lack of acknowledgement of my work, it began to irk me. Yet I told myself that perhaps I was too pessimistic and that my company indeed may have recognized it, only without acknowledging it to me. When I brought it up at my annual review, I found that the situation was unfortunately just as I had suspected. Upon asking if my company recognized my work at the client site, I was told, "What is there to talk about ? We asked you to go, and you went. That is all."
Are the expectations just so high ? Or is it simply a lack of knowledge of what I am doing ? Or both ?
This attitude has continued with some of my subsequent work. I had asked for a piece of work for my current project. I am hoping to develop my career & skill set with this work, and taking it on helped me in that. As it turned out the project had lost the person assigned to the role, so it was serendipitous and perfect that I had asked for the exact same task at the time. I was given the work in a mutually beneficial manner although it was implied that this work was larger than my "position" could typically handle. I took this charge upon myself and worked nearly single handedly at it. Taking initiative, I simply did what was required and assembled this substantial piece of the project on my own. Towards the end, I had a little help in reviewing it. Although I had asked for this task to benefit my own career development, the fact remains that I expended ENORMOUS number of personal time that benefited the project. It was slowly acknowledged that this was my responsibility, however, there was and has been no recognition of the timely and well executed completion & coordination of the task. Indeed it is one of the only portions of the project that was completed on time and within budgeted hours (almost all other portions of the project are incomplete, requiring addendums and over the budgeted hours).
I put in a similar effort on an immediately subsequent project. Even though I was not slated to be the main worker on it, again, I took initiative and put in significant overtime to achieve what was needed. I took on the ownership of it as was needed to not only do the work that I could take on, but also reviewed other people's work, catching errors & revising it within the short timeline that was available. While the project's "manager" took time for lunch, I skipped several meals to work though what he had previously stated he would do.
While a pat on the back would be nice for my initiative and work, not getting it would only be mildly bothersome. What is downright insulting is that instead I get compared to other worker-bees for their excellent skills in something entirely different. People have disrespectfully expressed regret directly to me that I, and not the other person, am a team member for a particular project. It is dis-heartening and inappropriate.
In addition to these annoyances, I have very few "friends" at the office. There's definitely a deja-vu of the petty American gossip culture that I struggled with as I treaded my path through Graduate Architecture school alone. And because of the multiple roles I play and have taken on, I often don't have the time to chat with others during the day. I don't really belong and yet I've found myself questioning my own ability wondering if my skill level is a reason or factor of my alienation. This self-questioning is detrimental. As I've grown, I've realized that while it feeds into my insecurities there is almost no truth in it, except what may be self fulfilling.
Overall work sucks and has been leaching heavily into all other aspects of my life. This makes the rest of life feel equally cumbersome and difficult to deal with. Blackness looms large, little stresses are magnified.
Lately it has been such a time for me. Work has sucked big time. I don't feel valued or recognized and have even questioned my own contribution. I often have the capability to impress people. I work hard and I believe contribute a lot. I can't tell if I am currently surrounded by people who are all so brilliant, so hardworking and so valuable, that I am average in their midst, or whether some of what I do is just not observed and therefore neither credited nor aknowledged.
Realistically, I think the truth may be some combination of the two. However, if that is so, I am sadly not getting the benefit of the brilliance of those around me. What I'm getting instead is a bit of unfair comparison and the overlooking or recognition of my unique skills.
At the beginning of last year I was sent to a client site for work. The client had requested "A junior level person for a senior level job" (in the words of my boss), putting my company in a difficult situation. The company sent me. Not necessarily because they thought me a good candidate to do the job, but simply because I was "available" to go. Although I did not want to & made that clear, I complied with the company's request. I performed excellently while I was there. I took initiative to present my company well, over and above simply doing my job well. I took intitiave to find the company work and kept my eye open for how to expand the relationship between the two entities. I had a difficult boss there and many changes in the role that I was playing and I handled those with integrity and intelligence. I managed a project of significant size (more than my company thought I could handle) singlehandedly, and overcame some difficult situations that involved my company, bringing them through unscathed, where their relationship with the client could have been damaged. I progressed my own career and skill set. None of this was recognized at my parent company. As I slowly understood this lack of acknowledgement of my work, it began to irk me. Yet I told myself that perhaps I was too pessimistic and that my company indeed may have recognized it, only without acknowledging it to me. When I brought it up at my annual review, I found that the situation was unfortunately just as I had suspected. Upon asking if my company recognized my work at the client site, I was told, "What is there to talk about ? We asked you to go, and you went. That is all."
Are the expectations just so high ? Or is it simply a lack of knowledge of what I am doing ? Or both ?
This attitude has continued with some of my subsequent work. I had asked for a piece of work for my current project. I am hoping to develop my career & skill set with this work, and taking it on helped me in that. As it turned out the project had lost the person assigned to the role, so it was serendipitous and perfect that I had asked for the exact same task at the time. I was given the work in a mutually beneficial manner although it was implied that this work was larger than my "position" could typically handle. I took this charge upon myself and worked nearly single handedly at it. Taking initiative, I simply did what was required and assembled this substantial piece of the project on my own. Towards the end, I had a little help in reviewing it. Although I had asked for this task to benefit my own career development, the fact remains that I expended ENORMOUS number of personal time that benefited the project. It was slowly acknowledged that this was my responsibility, however, there was and has been no recognition of the timely and well executed completion & coordination of the task. Indeed it is one of the only portions of the project that was completed on time and within budgeted hours (almost all other portions of the project are incomplete, requiring addendums and over the budgeted hours).
I put in a similar effort on an immediately subsequent project. Even though I was not slated to be the main worker on it, again, I took initiative and put in significant overtime to achieve what was needed. I took on the ownership of it as was needed to not only do the work that I could take on, but also reviewed other people's work, catching errors & revising it within the short timeline that was available. While the project's "manager" took time for lunch, I skipped several meals to work though what he had previously stated he would do.
While a pat on the back would be nice for my initiative and work, not getting it would only be mildly bothersome. What is downright insulting is that instead I get compared to other worker-bees for their excellent skills in something entirely different. People have disrespectfully expressed regret directly to me that I, and not the other person, am a team member for a particular project. It is dis-heartening and inappropriate.
In addition to these annoyances, I have very few "friends" at the office. There's definitely a deja-vu of the petty American gossip culture that I struggled with as I treaded my path through Graduate Architecture school alone. And because of the multiple roles I play and have taken on, I often don't have the time to chat with others during the day. I don't really belong and yet I've found myself questioning my own ability wondering if my skill level is a reason or factor of my alienation. This self-questioning is detrimental. As I've grown, I've realized that while it feeds into my insecurities there is almost no truth in it, except what may be self fulfilling.
Overall work sucks and has been leaching heavily into all other aspects of my life. This makes the rest of life feel equally cumbersome and difficult to deal with. Blackness looms large, little stresses are magnified.