Active friendships
There's nothing I can do but keep my cell phone fully charged and ready for any kind of call.
In my adolesence I may have called this love. Or affection. Now I see this as a temporal connection. The anxiety as a result of a temporary emotion that I can neither take for granted nor believe in the permanence of. 5 years from now we may be in new realities, playing these roles for other people. Is it because I don't have a sibling that I don't really comprehend the concept of having the same friend for all my life, and being a friend to the same person for all my life ?
I don't believe in friendships the same way I did as a child. But I try not to maintain exclusive definitions of friendships I have now because I lost my faith* in some in the past. (*I don't really consider this a loss of faith as I do a change in definition - I cherish the connections I make, but I don't assume that they will last forever). On the one hand, I enjoy that I can now give of myself, and love without expectations, with fewer of my own needs. On the other hand, I ocassionally go too far in expecting that my needs will not be fulfilled, and actively prevent any expecations. This can hurt the people I don't want to hurt. Early on in our relationship D got through to me with the words of Billy Joel:
"I can't offer you proof
But you're going to face a moment of truth
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust ...
... You can't go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God's sake don't shut me out
This time you've got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose
I won't hold back anything
And I'll walk away a fool or a king"
In my adolesence I may have called this love. Or affection. Now I see this as a temporal connection. The anxiety as a result of a temporary emotion that I can neither take for granted nor believe in the permanence of. 5 years from now we may be in new realities, playing these roles for other people. Is it because I don't have a sibling that I don't really comprehend the concept of having the same friend for all my life, and being a friend to the same person for all my life ?
I don't believe in friendships the same way I did as a child. But I try not to maintain exclusive definitions of friendships I have now because I lost my faith* in some in the past. (*I don't really consider this a loss of faith as I do a change in definition - I cherish the connections I make, but I don't assume that they will last forever). On the one hand, I enjoy that I can now give of myself, and love without expectations, with fewer of my own needs. On the other hand, I ocassionally go too far in expecting that my needs will not be fulfilled, and actively prevent any expecations. This can hurt the people I don't want to hurt. Early on in our relationship D got through to me with the words of Billy Joel:
"I can't offer you proof
But you're going to face a moment of truth
It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed
So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust ...
... You can't go the distance
With too much resistance
I know you have doubts
But for God's sake don't shut me out
This time you've got nothing to lose
You can take it, you can leave it, whatever you choose
I won't hold back anything
And I'll walk away a fool or a king"