stressed
wow...i think this is the most confused i have been in a long long time.
But before i start, yesterday was 6 months since the day Daniel died. I miss him. It doesn't even seem like 6 months. I feel a little guilty tho, like i should be doing something in his memory. I see all the stuff that i am going through, and i think "at least i have the chance to go through it" and it makes me feel a little better about what is happening, but a little sad about the reminder of Daniel. It is really a shame that someone as smart, talented, and sweet as that had to leave us. So, 6 months, wow...Daniel, if u can somehow see or read or hear whats goin on here, i still think of u...all the time. Rest in peace sweetheart.
Since my last update, i have been writing down my feeling and stuff as it happens. Here is what i wrote yesterday:
I think i know which guy. Fred. But i am not sure if he really likes me or if he just. I guess i should ask him sooner or later. But the thing with Bob, the first one, is that he is getting kinda obsessive an he has this thing where he wants to touch my stomach and i hate it when people touch my stomach. I have told him multiple times times to stop, but he just won't. Back to Fred. So I really like Fred. Like a lot. I don't thinkg he realizes how much i really like him. I don't know what to do! SOMEONE HELP!!!
Call me or comment w/ advice
Laterz
-Shortie-
Then today, when i got home, i wrote this:
So i was texting Fred for a while last nite before he had to go take a shower. We were messin around and just being all flirty and shit. Then he tells me that he has to go shower so i was like, okay, and so we stopped texting. Then Bob (The first one, the one that likes me) calls me and was like "why are you avoiding me?" and shit like that. I told him that i definately wasn't avoiding him, i have just had a lot of stuff to do, and he was all like "right, whatever. What's wrong?" and so i got pissed cuz he didn't believe me that nothing was wrong and then he was like "Do you like me or not?" i wanted to yell at him and say that it doesn't matter cuz he was the one that sed that he didn't want a girlfriend to begin with...but i didn't say that cuz i am too nice. I just told him i had to go and hung up. Then i was so pissed and frustrated and confused and so i texted fred and sed "this thing we got going on, is it going somewhere or is it just a fling? I don't care which one, though i would prefer the firdt one. Like i sed, it doesn't matter to me, i just need to know." so he texs me back and is like "I don't want a relationship right now" and i sed "thats kool, its still fun to play around" It's really okay with me, I just would have like it to be going somewhere. I still don't think he realizes how much i like him. Oh well, gonna go play with my razor blades...they seem to help somewhat....or at least they make me numb to everything happening.
depressed....call me only if you need to.
-Shortie-
And here is what i just finished writing:
So i was in wrestling and i didn't see fred so i figured that i would call and mess around with him and tell him how much of a bitch he was for not showing up to practice...so i called and he was like, "hey liar" and i was like "what are u talking about" and he was like "u lied" and i sed "about what?" cuz i was seriously confused...so he sed "u sed u didn't tell ashley (not real name) about ______________ (something that happened that i can't say)." and i sed "no, i sed i didn't tell her exactly what happened..all i sed was _______________. he sez "same thing" and i was like, "no it not" so then he goes on to tell me that ashley came up to him during lunch while he was talking to victoria (his ex girlfriend) and sed "i know about _________________" and he sed "i just sort of played it off but that means that u told her" and i was like "i have told her a ton of things that i wanted kept quiet and she has never sed anything before and now i am pissed that she would say something now and especially to you about ________________ and with victoria sitting right there when i had made it a point not to tell anyone, especialyl you or victoria" so he was like "well...." and i was like "i am so sorry...are u mad?" and he was just like "well i am gonna go eat so i will talk to you later" and i was just like "okay" being all depressed. Then i went back into the wrestling room and i looked so pissed that some of the guys kinda sidestepped me when i was coming their way...i went and talked to brett cuz i can talk to him about that stuff and he is still okay with it and everything...he sed that i shouldn't get mad cuz it won't help anything...so then brett and i got on the bus to go home and he tried to cheer me up and stuff...i pretended for him, but it didn't really help.
ya know those razor blades...they are looking more and more friendly with every passing minute...gonna go make sum new scars
extremely depressed and sad
laterz
-Shortie-
But before i start, yesterday was 6 months since the day Daniel died. I miss him. It doesn't even seem like 6 months. I feel a little guilty tho, like i should be doing something in his memory. I see all the stuff that i am going through, and i think "at least i have the chance to go through it" and it makes me feel a little better about what is happening, but a little sad about the reminder of Daniel. It is really a shame that someone as smart, talented, and sweet as that had to leave us. So, 6 months, wow...Daniel, if u can somehow see or read or hear whats goin on here, i still think of u...all the time. Rest in peace sweetheart.
Since my last update, i have been writing down my feeling and stuff as it happens. Here is what i wrote yesterday:
I think i know which guy. Fred. But i am not sure if he really likes me or if he just. I guess i should ask him sooner or later. But the thing with Bob, the first one, is that he is getting kinda obsessive an he has this thing where he wants to touch my stomach and i hate it when people touch my stomach. I have told him multiple times times to stop, but he just won't. Back to Fred. So I really like Fred. Like a lot. I don't thinkg he realizes how much i really like him. I don't know what to do! SOMEONE HELP!!!
Call me or comment w/ advice
Laterz
-Shortie-
Then today, when i got home, i wrote this:
So i was texting Fred for a while last nite before he had to go take a shower. We were messin around and just being all flirty and shit. Then he tells me that he has to go shower so i was like, okay, and so we stopped texting. Then Bob (The first one, the one that likes me) calls me and was like "why are you avoiding me?" and shit like that. I told him that i definately wasn't avoiding him, i have just had a lot of stuff to do, and he was all like "right, whatever. What's wrong?" and so i got pissed cuz he didn't believe me that nothing was wrong and then he was like "Do you like me or not?" i wanted to yell at him and say that it doesn't matter cuz he was the one that sed that he didn't want a girlfriend to begin with...but i didn't say that cuz i am too nice. I just told him i had to go and hung up. Then i was so pissed and frustrated and confused and so i texted fred and sed "this thing we got going on, is it going somewhere or is it just a fling? I don't care which one, though i would prefer the firdt one. Like i sed, it doesn't matter to me, i just need to know." so he texs me back and is like "I don't want a relationship right now" and i sed "thats kool, its still fun to play around" It's really okay with me, I just would have like it to be going somewhere. I still don't think he realizes how much i like him. Oh well, gonna go play with my razor blades...they seem to help somewhat....or at least they make me numb to everything happening.
depressed....call me only if you need to.
-Shortie-
And here is what i just finished writing:
So i was in wrestling and i didn't see fred so i figured that i would call and mess around with him and tell him how much of a bitch he was for not showing up to practice...so i called and he was like, "hey liar" and i was like "what are u talking about" and he was like "u lied" and i sed "about what?" cuz i was seriously confused...so he sed "u sed u didn't tell ashley (not real name) about ______________ (something that happened that i can't say)." and i sed "no, i sed i didn't tell her exactly what happened..all i sed was _______________. he sez "same thing" and i was like, "no it not" so then he goes on to tell me that ashley came up to him during lunch while he was talking to victoria (his ex girlfriend) and sed "i know about _________________" and he sed "i just sort of played it off but that means that u told her" and i was like "i have told her a ton of things that i wanted kept quiet and she has never sed anything before and now i am pissed that she would say something now and especially to you about ________________ and with victoria sitting right there when i had made it a point not to tell anyone, especialyl you or victoria" so he was like "well...." and i was like "i am so sorry...are u mad?" and he was just like "well i am gonna go eat so i will talk to you later" and i was just like "okay" being all depressed. Then i went back into the wrestling room and i looked so pissed that some of the guys kinda sidestepped me when i was coming their way...i went and talked to brett cuz i can talk to him about that stuff and he is still okay with it and everything...he sed that i shouldn't get mad cuz it won't help anything...so then brett and i got on the bus to go home and he tried to cheer me up and stuff...i pretended for him, but it didn't really help.
ya know those razor blades...they are looking more and more friendly with every passing minute...gonna go make sum new scars
extremely depressed and sad
laterz
-Shortie-