Stressed
I am to the point where I don't know where I have gone wrong. I can't explain it. It was almost perfect, I had nothing to complain about my boyfriend is great, we were happier than before no problems. And then all of a sudden remark after remark came my way... Don't act like a kid, you're annoying, Whats wrong with you, I never asked you to come here... the list is endless. Comments that just make my heart drop everytime I hear them, and to hear them from a person I love unconditionally is what hurts the most. I have tried to do it back, it doesn't work the comments and criticism comes back to me 10 fold and then I just end up hurt. Then I try to ignore them, but then I am just bottling up all the hurt and I blow up, that doesn't help anyone. and then I try to figure out what is wrong and I just get huge sighs, faces rubbed, and rolling eyes. I can't win. I feel like the harder I try, the more I fail, and the less I try - well nothing changes.
I can't go through last semester again, that hurt was so much that no person could understand, and no words could even describe it.
So what do I do? wait for him to come around, stop doing the things I do for him on a daily basis? For some of you that might not know how I work, but I HAVE to do things for people, that is how I fit into this world, making a difference in peoples lives, especially those I care about. So if I am completely ignoring his needs it hurts me too, but I guess if that is what I have to do to understand... I just don't know.
I just wish he respected me like I do him, I would Die for that man whether he knows it or not... I am just not sure if he feels the same for me. I know respect isn't that drastic, but just a simple thank you, or understnding of my feelings, I mean I saw him in passing today and he said "hey look you saw me today" now I know that was supposed to be a joke, but it was like my feelings were being mocked, like just seeing me in passing was all he needed, and really had no care if he did see me the rest of the day.
Is he scared of commitment? Scared of growing up? scared of graduating? We all are, but a person goes through those life changing events the best with friends, and family... I don't know if he knows how much support he has. I am scared that next year he is going to get scared again... and I just get kicked to the curb again, It is NOT easy for me, but I know that together the transition could be so much easier with eachother support. There will be so much change in our lives next year, having eachother would be a nice constant, to know one thing that won't change is the love for eachother.
I know he isn't usually short tempered, or ill hearted, or disrespectful... so to see it now is so confusing, and want to help him... apparently I can't.
Maybe he will someday see me as someone who loves him, who will always love him, someone who will be by his side through good and bad, Even in the rockest of times my love doesn't change.
My back may be turned by my love will never give you the cold shoulder...
I can't go through last semester again, that hurt was so much that no person could understand, and no words could even describe it.
So what do I do? wait for him to come around, stop doing the things I do for him on a daily basis? For some of you that might not know how I work, but I HAVE to do things for people, that is how I fit into this world, making a difference in peoples lives, especially those I care about. So if I am completely ignoring his needs it hurts me too, but I guess if that is what I have to do to understand... I just don't know.
I just wish he respected me like I do him, I would Die for that man whether he knows it or not... I am just not sure if he feels the same for me. I know respect isn't that drastic, but just a simple thank you, or understnding of my feelings, I mean I saw him in passing today and he said "hey look you saw me today" now I know that was supposed to be a joke, but it was like my feelings were being mocked, like just seeing me in passing was all he needed, and really had no care if he did see me the rest of the day.
Is he scared of commitment? Scared of growing up? scared of graduating? We all are, but a person goes through those life changing events the best with friends, and family... I don't know if he knows how much support he has. I am scared that next year he is going to get scared again... and I just get kicked to the curb again, It is NOT easy for me, but I know that together the transition could be so much easier with eachother support. There will be so much change in our lives next year, having eachother would be a nice constant, to know one thing that won't change is the love for eachother.
I know he isn't usually short tempered, or ill hearted, or disrespectful... so to see it now is so confusing, and want to help him... apparently I can't.
Maybe he will someday see me as someone who loves him, who will always love him, someone who will be by his side through good and bad, Even in the rockest of times my love doesn't change.
My back may be turned by my love will never give you the cold shoulder...