~sigh~
Well once again I haven't updated in a while, and yet again I am updating when I have hit a low point... So what people read it, sometimes its the only escape I've got. It seems like who ever I talk to either doesn't care, doesn't want to hear it, or doesn't understand.
But yeah I have so much pent up anger right now, I don't know who anyone is anymore, I am sick of being lied to. I feel like I can't count on anyone they are all lying to me in some way or another. Either they are keeping things from me, they are neglecting to tell the whole story, or they blatently lie right to my face. WTF I am sick of it, I don't understand why there isn't a mutual respect between people to fucking tell the truth. I am not your mother, I am your friend. I won't judge anyone for their actions, yeah I may not agree with some of them but guess what that doesn't mean I will think less of a person because of it. In fact the day I get told the truth without finding it out from someone else or don't feel like I am in the dark I will have more respect for these people. What happens when they all leave me... are they goign to keep in contact??? Am I going to matter anymore, or am I just a situational friend? I wish I had that one friend I could count on, the one that won't talk about me behind my back, won't judge, will embrace my flaws and not criticize them, the one that will come to me with thier problems because they know I will listen. It hurts so much that I don't have one person in my life that won't do that. I want that one friend, mayeb I am being taught a lesson to only count on myself, but after being strong for so long I lose my grip and need a hand to get back up. Who is there to do it??? I don't have one single soul around me that would be willing to give their time if I needed it. But when they need someone I am there in a heartbeat, because I fucking care. AAAHHH
I wish someone could figure out what they want from me. I feel used in someways, I feel like once again they only want me around when it is convienient to them. And when I am there and they don't need me I am a burden and a bother in their life. Jesus christ that hurts. That they don't like me for who I am, they can't see that my mistakes I make shape who I am, that those quirky things I do aren't a bother they are what make me, me! I don't understand why they can't accept me for who I am rather than try to change me because I am not that perfect person. Can I make you happy? Thats all you need, as long as you are happy. I don't try to change anyone in any way, they do what they do because that is what makes them them. I embrace them, that is what makes me laugh, makes me smile, and takes my breath away. Its what I love, that is what love is or atleast one of its components. I wish you could accept me for me. love me for me. I am not a perfect person, and I never will be. You aren't perfect, and never will be. That doesn't mean we can't better ourselves and change those actions we do that we don't like. But we can't change the way we laugh, can't change our morals, can't change our views and values.
Those who have that best friend, the one that knows you like the back of thier hand, that person that doesn't judge you, and doesn't try to change you because you aren't what they want.. They don't know what they have till it is gone. I envy all of you that have that. Don't take it for granted cause without it you would be lost just like me. I thought I had a best friend like that, but in reality I realized they don't really like me for me, infact sometimes they can't stand me, so they tell me everything that is wrong with me. Maybe I will change for them. FUCK THAT!!! I am who I am, and I like me, I just wish someone else did. My walls are going up and if you want to be my friend that bad you'll c are enough to break them down. I just wish I had someone I could guarantee that would be by myside, but I can't. I would love to think I know of one person, but right now I am unsure about them too. And that is the worst of all.
I am here under the carboard box drowning my tearfilled fears in an ocean of lonliness
But yeah I have so much pent up anger right now, I don't know who anyone is anymore, I am sick of being lied to. I feel like I can't count on anyone they are all lying to me in some way or another. Either they are keeping things from me, they are neglecting to tell the whole story, or they blatently lie right to my face. WTF I am sick of it, I don't understand why there isn't a mutual respect between people to fucking tell the truth. I am not your mother, I am your friend. I won't judge anyone for their actions, yeah I may not agree with some of them but guess what that doesn't mean I will think less of a person because of it. In fact the day I get told the truth without finding it out from someone else or don't feel like I am in the dark I will have more respect for these people. What happens when they all leave me... are they goign to keep in contact??? Am I going to matter anymore, or am I just a situational friend? I wish I had that one friend I could count on, the one that won't talk about me behind my back, won't judge, will embrace my flaws and not criticize them, the one that will come to me with thier problems because they know I will listen. It hurts so much that I don't have one person in my life that won't do that. I want that one friend, mayeb I am being taught a lesson to only count on myself, but after being strong for so long I lose my grip and need a hand to get back up. Who is there to do it??? I don't have one single soul around me that would be willing to give their time if I needed it. But when they need someone I am there in a heartbeat, because I fucking care. AAAHHH
I wish someone could figure out what they want from me. I feel used in someways, I feel like once again they only want me around when it is convienient to them. And when I am there and they don't need me I am a burden and a bother in their life. Jesus christ that hurts. That they don't like me for who I am, they can't see that my mistakes I make shape who I am, that those quirky things I do aren't a bother they are what make me, me! I don't understand why they can't accept me for who I am rather than try to change me because I am not that perfect person. Can I make you happy? Thats all you need, as long as you are happy. I don't try to change anyone in any way, they do what they do because that is what makes them them. I embrace them, that is what makes me laugh, makes me smile, and takes my breath away. Its what I love, that is what love is or atleast one of its components. I wish you could accept me for me. love me for me. I am not a perfect person, and I never will be. You aren't perfect, and never will be. That doesn't mean we can't better ourselves and change those actions we do that we don't like. But we can't change the way we laugh, can't change our morals, can't change our views and values.
Those who have that best friend, the one that knows you like the back of thier hand, that person that doesn't judge you, and doesn't try to change you because you aren't what they want.. They don't know what they have till it is gone. I envy all of you that have that. Don't take it for granted cause without it you would be lost just like me. I thought I had a best friend like that, but in reality I realized they don't really like me for me, infact sometimes they can't stand me, so they tell me everything that is wrong with me. Maybe I will change for them. FUCK THAT!!! I am who I am, and I like me, I just wish someone else did. My walls are going up and if you want to be my friend that bad you'll c are enough to break them down. I just wish I had someone I could guarantee that would be by myside, but I can't. I would love to think I know of one person, but right now I am unsure about them too. And that is the worst of all.
I am here under the carboard box drowning my tearfilled fears in an ocean of lonliness