// fin
Before you read this, I want you to understand something. I have problems. If you didn't already knwo that, I'm telling you now, so that you don't worry. Don't listen to anything or everything I say, because half of it's probably just irrelevant. That said, I want you all to read this. All of you who read this journal, I mean. Even if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Even if I don't talk about you in this. Just read it, because really, it's one of the only things I really want to say. There's only going to be one person that I refer to anonymously, and it's most likely not you. If you want me to remove your name from this entry, comment on it and I'll edit it. I'm NOT going to remove what I'm saying to or about you, though, so don't hold your breath. And don't worry. We'll all float on OK.
This, it's basically me saying what I need to say. It's not anything novel. It's just the truth. The naked, ugly, fat, scarred and uncensored truth. I need it off my goddamn chest, so I can stop carrying this baggage. Sorry if I offend you. Sorry if I scare you. But really, I shouldn't. I'm not saying much of anything mean in here. I'm not that mean of a guy, really.
I want to start out with Matt. The reason you're first is simple. I have the most to say for you. We've been through a hell of a lot, you and I, good and bad. Drama is never something I intended to put between us. It just happened. I don't regret it because I feel that we both learned something from it. One, drama is annoyying. Two, bitching and whining won't solve anything. That's what I learned. I consider you a friend. My definition of friend is high-standard. You've known me for a long time, but you've really only KNOWN me for a couple years; that's the same with most of my friends. Really, I appreciate for what you've done for me. I'm not talking high-maintenence shit or anything, you didn't uplift me when I was on the verge of suicide. I'm just sayin', you've dealt with a lot. Heh, like in math, you know? Little shit like that. And just being there helps. Makes me feel more alive, because really, we're not so different. I don't want any of this religious shit to tear us apart, and I don't think it will. I wanna' come to one of your meetings because I want to understand the religion, not because I want to be social with you. I don't know a lot about Christianity. For all I know, I've got this whole thing wrong. I don't honestly think so, but I'm open-minded enough to learn about it more, at least. Maybe I won't be so thick-headed about it? Heh.
Amanda... this one's a little different. I don't really know you well at all. I mean... maybe a little, maybe I get you, and can talk to you, but really, nothing spectacular has ever happened between us or together or whatever, so it's hard. The thing is, I feel real distant from you. I don't want it to be like that 'cause I think you're a good person. I'm just really having some trouble connecting with you. I used to think it must be the religion. Now mayube, I'm not so sure. I don't get to see you all too often. Whenever I do, we're in class or in a group. That does nothing to enhance any sort of friendship. I'm not saying I need some alone time with you to really be your friend, but we haven't had a real converation. Something meaningful that wasn't one-ended or sad. I don't mean to make you worry or pity. I don't want that. I want to be your friend, and I'm having trouble finding how. Anyway, I want you to know that I care about you. I can't say I'm praying for you since I don't pray, but uh, if I did, you'd be prayed for. I hope that makes some sense to you. And I hope we can work things out sometime.
Katie... I don't really even know for sure that you read this, but I felt that I needed to say something about you anyway. I've known you, too, since I can remember, and I still don't know you at all. You've never really been in a position where we could really talk. That doesn't help. From what I understand through small talk and through other kinds of things, you're a person who's worth getting to know. Like I said... it's hard to do that. It's hard for me to talk to people sometiems, in general. Reading your journal, well, I imagine something's going wrong or had gone wrong for you. I don't have a clue as to what it is, but I wanna' say, it'll pass. Really. I can't say I'm there for you. I can't say everything will be fine, because I don't know. I think it probably will. In any case, it'll pass. Things change, and things are forgotten or overshadowed by other, bigger things. Don't worry about it. You, too, I wish I could get to know.
I have known and considered Rachel a friend for a long time, but I never really knew much about you. I imagine you have problems like everyone else and me and that there are times in your life that you, too, are lost. I've never really tried to get to know you because I felt I already did, and really, I don't know if I do. You're a great person, and you're someone who I find easy to talk to, so I don't imagine there to be any real big problem between us as friends or whatever anytime soon. I've had fun being around you and talking with you, and nothing better get in the way of that happening again next year.
When I met you last year, Laura, really I was kind of confused. You really have always confused me because I never know what you're thinking in that head of yours. I understand that sometimes I'll say stupid shit and you give me a look, that means that you think I said something stupid. Ok, but seriously, I think I'm starting to get you, it just takes some time. I remember having a long talk with you about politics and learning a lot of things from what you said. I liked that, it was fun to me. Let's try that again some time, yeah? I think it's cool that you're open to this whole religion thing. I know you're going through something similar to me, and really, I admire how you handle it. I'm trying to do the same thing. You've helped me. Thanks.
I really just met you, Kelly. You know, for a while, I didn't know who you were. I think you should know that before I knew you, a lot of people were talking about how pretty you were, and how nice you were. When I met you, I was able to confirm both of those. You're a good person. I think you know too that we've never gotten a chance to talk earnestly, but I like to think that it should happen soon. When it does, I want to get to know you. Small talk is fine, but really, I know it'd be better for both of us if we got to know each other. Whenever we talk on IM, you end up having to leave. Just talk to me sometime. Catch me at a good time and yeah, I'll talk back. Promise.
Something definitely needs to be said for Kalyani. I think I did pretty well in getting to know you over one year when you're only in one of my classes and I don't get to talk to you that often because a lot of the things you say, or what you draw on your arm, and what's on your away message and in your profile and journal, it says something to me about you. I think you're smart. I think you're funny in a weird way. Mostly, I think you're mature. I respect that in a person a lot, and I hope you think highly enough of me so that we can be friends in the near future.
Fiona, really, you're fucked up. I like that.
Emily. I'm talking to Ms. Smalle here. Yeah, you. I know a lot about you, I'd say. I understand you. I respect you. And I think we really need to talk more often these days. School's almost out for me (do you get off work in the summar?) so I think I should have more time online. I'm going to haunt you until you give me a call, though. Beware! Yeah. I'm scary. Oooooooooooooooooo!! No, but, like, seriously. You've been there for me and I think I've been there for you. You're really a good friend, even if I never get to really hugar you. Come down here sometime in that shitty ride of yours. We'll have some fun, if you know what I-- nevermind, nevermind. =P Thanks. For everything.
David, you scared me that one night. You should know what I'm talking about. I don't want you to do that shit again. I told you that, but I'm saying it anyway. Stop scaring me. Have a nice time in France, man, you deserve it. I'll be listening to the music I stole from you and thinking of your stupid emo lips. Yeah, that's right. Emo lips.
Elimy the Momma of the scary bitch children... I really sometimes worry about your mental health. I understand you're beyond help, though. =P I hope your life in the near future is good, because from what you've been through, god knows you deserve it. So stay cool, and don't do stupid shit, as always. I might have to do counter-stupid shit, you know.
Roy... uh... uh... roy... who was I talking about? :p I love you man. LESS THAN THREE YOU FOR LIFE.
Last. Not least. In fact, least least. The anonymous. SSA. It's funny, because they know it, and you don't. Look, I could say a plethora of things about you, what you've done for me, all this shit you've dealt with from me, and all of that. It's only been less than a year, and I consider you the most important person in my life. Although I really hate the idea of it, the emotion in general, I think I have that love thing, for you. I don't know for sure. I never know. Nobody does, right? I mean, people have gone years without knowing they weren't in love, then ruined each other's lives. I just thought I should let you know, somehow. Even if it doesn't matter or if it makes you hate me or if whatever. I'm really stupid, you know? Yeah. Well... that's just... it.
This, it's basically me saying what I need to say. It's not anything novel. It's just the truth. The naked, ugly, fat, scarred and uncensored truth. I need it off my goddamn chest, so I can stop carrying this baggage. Sorry if I offend you. Sorry if I scare you. But really, I shouldn't. I'm not saying much of anything mean in here. I'm not that mean of a guy, really.
I want to start out with Matt. The reason you're first is simple. I have the most to say for you. We've been through a hell of a lot, you and I, good and bad. Drama is never something I intended to put between us. It just happened. I don't regret it because I feel that we both learned something from it. One, drama is annoyying. Two, bitching and whining won't solve anything. That's what I learned. I consider you a friend. My definition of friend is high-standard. You've known me for a long time, but you've really only KNOWN me for a couple years; that's the same with most of my friends. Really, I appreciate for what you've done for me. I'm not talking high-maintenence shit or anything, you didn't uplift me when I was on the verge of suicide. I'm just sayin', you've dealt with a lot. Heh, like in math, you know? Little shit like that. And just being there helps. Makes me feel more alive, because really, we're not so different. I don't want any of this religious shit to tear us apart, and I don't think it will. I wanna' come to one of your meetings because I want to understand the religion, not because I want to be social with you. I don't know a lot about Christianity. For all I know, I've got this whole thing wrong. I don't honestly think so, but I'm open-minded enough to learn about it more, at least. Maybe I won't be so thick-headed about it? Heh.
Amanda... this one's a little different. I don't really know you well at all. I mean... maybe a little, maybe I get you, and can talk to you, but really, nothing spectacular has ever happened between us or together or whatever, so it's hard. The thing is, I feel real distant from you. I don't want it to be like that 'cause I think you're a good person. I'm just really having some trouble connecting with you. I used to think it must be the religion. Now mayube, I'm not so sure. I don't get to see you all too often. Whenever I do, we're in class or in a group. That does nothing to enhance any sort of friendship. I'm not saying I need some alone time with you to really be your friend, but we haven't had a real converation. Something meaningful that wasn't one-ended or sad. I don't mean to make you worry or pity. I don't want that. I want to be your friend, and I'm having trouble finding how. Anyway, I want you to know that I care about you. I can't say I'm praying for you since I don't pray, but uh, if I did, you'd be prayed for. I hope that makes some sense to you. And I hope we can work things out sometime.
Katie... I don't really even know for sure that you read this, but I felt that I needed to say something about you anyway. I've known you, too, since I can remember, and I still don't know you at all. You've never really been in a position where we could really talk. That doesn't help. From what I understand through small talk and through other kinds of things, you're a person who's worth getting to know. Like I said... it's hard to do that. It's hard for me to talk to people sometiems, in general. Reading your journal, well, I imagine something's going wrong or had gone wrong for you. I don't have a clue as to what it is, but I wanna' say, it'll pass. Really. I can't say I'm there for you. I can't say everything will be fine, because I don't know. I think it probably will. In any case, it'll pass. Things change, and things are forgotten or overshadowed by other, bigger things. Don't worry about it. You, too, I wish I could get to know.
I have known and considered Rachel a friend for a long time, but I never really knew much about you. I imagine you have problems like everyone else and me and that there are times in your life that you, too, are lost. I've never really tried to get to know you because I felt I already did, and really, I don't know if I do. You're a great person, and you're someone who I find easy to talk to, so I don't imagine there to be any real big problem between us as friends or whatever anytime soon. I've had fun being around you and talking with you, and nothing better get in the way of that happening again next year.
When I met you last year, Laura, really I was kind of confused. You really have always confused me because I never know what you're thinking in that head of yours. I understand that sometimes I'll say stupid shit and you give me a look, that means that you think I said something stupid. Ok, but seriously, I think I'm starting to get you, it just takes some time. I remember having a long talk with you about politics and learning a lot of things from what you said. I liked that, it was fun to me. Let's try that again some time, yeah? I think it's cool that you're open to this whole religion thing. I know you're going through something similar to me, and really, I admire how you handle it. I'm trying to do the same thing. You've helped me. Thanks.
I really just met you, Kelly. You know, for a while, I didn't know who you were. I think you should know that before I knew you, a lot of people were talking about how pretty you were, and how nice you were. When I met you, I was able to confirm both of those. You're a good person. I think you know too that we've never gotten a chance to talk earnestly, but I like to think that it should happen soon. When it does, I want to get to know you. Small talk is fine, but really, I know it'd be better for both of us if we got to know each other. Whenever we talk on IM, you end up having to leave. Just talk to me sometime. Catch me at a good time and yeah, I'll talk back. Promise.
Something definitely needs to be said for Kalyani. I think I did pretty well in getting to know you over one year when you're only in one of my classes and I don't get to talk to you that often because a lot of the things you say, or what you draw on your arm, and what's on your away message and in your profile and journal, it says something to me about you. I think you're smart. I think you're funny in a weird way. Mostly, I think you're mature. I respect that in a person a lot, and I hope you think highly enough of me so that we can be friends in the near future.
Fiona, really, you're fucked up. I like that.
Emily. I'm talking to Ms. Smalle here. Yeah, you. I know a lot about you, I'd say. I understand you. I respect you. And I think we really need to talk more often these days. School's almost out for me (do you get off work in the summar?) so I think I should have more time online. I'm going to haunt you until you give me a call, though. Beware! Yeah. I'm scary. Oooooooooooooooooo!! No, but, like, seriously. You've been there for me and I think I've been there for you. You're really a good friend, even if I never get to really hugar you. Come down here sometime in that shitty ride of yours. We'll have some fun, if you know what I-- nevermind, nevermind. =P Thanks. For everything.
David, you scared me that one night. You should know what I'm talking about. I don't want you to do that shit again. I told you that, but I'm saying it anyway. Stop scaring me. Have a nice time in France, man, you deserve it. I'll be listening to the music I stole from you and thinking of your stupid emo lips. Yeah, that's right. Emo lips.
Elimy the Momma of the scary bitch children... I really sometimes worry about your mental health. I understand you're beyond help, though. =P I hope your life in the near future is good, because from what you've been through, god knows you deserve it. So stay cool, and don't do stupid shit, as always. I might have to do counter-stupid shit, you know.
Roy... uh... uh... roy... who was I talking about? :p I love you man. LESS THAN THREE YOU FOR LIFE.
Last. Not least. In fact, least least. The anonymous. SSA. It's funny, because they know it, and you don't. Look, I could say a plethora of things about you, what you've done for me, all this shit you've dealt with from me, and all of that. It's only been less than a year, and I consider you the most important person in my life. Although I really hate the idea of it, the emotion in general, I think I have that love thing, for you. I don't know for sure. I never know. Nobody does, right? I mean, people have gone years without knowing they weren't in love, then ruined each other's lives. I just thought I should let you know, somehow. Even if it doesn't matter or if it makes you hate me or if whatever. I'm really stupid, you know? Yeah. Well... that's just... it.