(no subject)
Saturday morning, my parents left for the airport to fly to San Juan and board their cruise boat for a week. My grandparents have been here to "watch" us for the week. I was left with the ultimate responsibility of basically running the house.
My first and ultimate duty was to get my school crap in order. I knew what i needed to do, but I was too afraid to give into reality. I really wanted to just challenge myself to do Ap government. I mean, I got straight A's last year in History, and social studies has ALWAYS been my strongest subject, so why not take AP? Well, unfortunately I was stuck with a teacher that can't teach. I'm not even kidding. I love the people in my Gov class....but I just can't succeed in that class. I just can't do it. I've always been extremely stubborn and have always tried to prove someone wrong, in this case it was my mom, but this time, I just knew I had to give in. It was tough, but I had to admit it. Along with Gov, I had to drop AP stats...I actually loved the teacher AND my classmates, but again, I just can't do the work that is required in that class. I'm very sad that I had to leave my friends behind and start all over again, but I just need to realize that my decisions now are going to effect me in the long run...and I can't keep on trying to prove something, I actually have to do what I feel I can do and not try to beat myself up trying to do something that just might possibly too far of a reach for me. I've grown.
Another duty was to look after my little sister. My little sister isn't like most little sisters. She's not annoying. She's not a brat....she IS love. She was born with a hearing impairment and has to wear hearing aids for the rest of her life. Her life has bee na constant struggle. Trying to fit in, keep up with her classmates learning wise, gaining confidence, and many others. I have tried so hard to be there for her, but it's not always easy when she is living something that I never had to when growing up. Because of her disability, the kids at school have not been kind and she has been labeled the outcast... It kills me to see and hear this. I just want her to be happy, but lately she has been crying every night and telling me how depressed she is and how she just wants to be happy again. Now that my parents are gone, I have become my sister's "blanket". I've been letting her sleep in my room with me ( I have a Queen bed, so there's plent of room for two) and I read to her every night and she hangs out in my room when I'm simply on the computer or reading myself. It hasn't been easy trying to help her feel better when I have been rather a mess myself. Whenever she cries, I cry even more. Whenever she feels depressed, I feel major depression. It's one of those situations where you just want to change everything from the beginning so she can be happy now. If i could, I would give her my hearing, my happiness, my confidence, my life. My little sister deserves everything... I can see that now.
People think my life is alright and I'm just lazy...but in reality, my life is a mess. This newfound responsibilty has worn me out. I find myself answering every little question my grandparents ask me and doing everything around the house. I am the mom now and I am exhausted and stressed out. I feel as if I need to get my life in order first before I can even begin to help others with theirs. I have tried to change the route of my life a little by trying to get back my love of horses. Which an old friend has so thoughtfully accepted in helping me do. I hope that I will gain a little happiness and a piece of my life back through all of this. I feel I have grown up....But i dont know if i want to....