I'm Not Asking For A Pity Party... hell, don't even bother responding, just sorting out thoughts
For the first time in a long time I'm upset about my weight. I know I'm fat, anyone who looks at me can tell that I'm fat, but I'm a fat girl working on getting thin and more importantly, getting healthy. Usually I just remind myself of that and I'm fine. I have even gotten to the point where I can joke about being overweight, I call myself fat girl and only partially believe it, and it makes me feel good because I'm not so self-conscious about it anymore. But last night my whole illusion fell to shit. I went out to play pool with some friends and they were hungry. I told them I wasn't hungry so I might take a bite of something but I wasn't planning on chowing down on anything substantial so not to include me in their food ordering plans. So they ended up getting the most ridiculous amount of food I've ever seen. Chicken fingers with french fries, a separate order of french fries, artichoke and crab dip and chicken quesadillas, I was speechless when I saw how much the morons had ordered. So we were playing and I was very content with my Corona and I took a piece of the quesadilla and then I had a bite of the crab dip, literally, that was all I had eaten at that point, and as I was about to put the crab dip in my mouth Kristian looked at me and said "Don't ever let anyone say you have an eating problem." Now, we all know he was joking and he is HARDLY the one to be calling anyone fat, but for some reason it just upset me beyond words. I didn't want to make a scene, and I still don't which is why I'm not going to say anything to him, but I literally had to put my food down and run to the bathroom. It is so stupid of me to be so upset by that remark, and I think part of what makes me so sad is that it did bother me that much, and I don't know why.
So today I was at the gym for latin cardio class, I never miss it, it's too much fun. And I was talking to some of the friends I've made in the class, all fellow fat girls, and I told them about last night. And I think I figured out why it upset me so much. One, they pointed out that my joking about my weight isn't me accepting it, but me beating others to the punch and making people laugh with me instead of at me because even if they wouldn't laugh at me, I assume they will. Two, I pointed out that even when I'm skinny I'm going to consider myself fat because I don't think that the "real" Blair is some beautiful, skinny girl. I feel fat, and I will always think about the fat girl inside no matter what the outside looks like. I don't know what this revelation means to my "rehab" so to speak, I'm not depressed about it like I used to be, but I feel like there are probably really deep issues that I'm not willing to think about but if I don't then this could happen anytime or anywhere. I don't know any girl who thinks her looks are perfect so I know I'm normal in that respect, I just can't help but wonder if my issues are big enough to require "help." My comparison is that there are some girls who think they have a big nose so they get a nose job but then there are the girls who try to cut their noses off themselves and nearly kill themselves, I'm the latter, not that I would try to slit my wrists, but that bullshit I was doing with starving myself and exercising to the point I saw black spots, that was me killing myself, just in a different way.
So today I was at the gym for latin cardio class, I never miss it, it's too much fun. And I was talking to some of the friends I've made in the class, all fellow fat girls, and I told them about last night. And I think I figured out why it upset me so much. One, they pointed out that my joking about my weight isn't me accepting it, but me beating others to the punch and making people laugh with me instead of at me because even if they wouldn't laugh at me, I assume they will. Two, I pointed out that even when I'm skinny I'm going to consider myself fat because I don't think that the "real" Blair is some beautiful, skinny girl. I feel fat, and I will always think about the fat girl inside no matter what the outside looks like. I don't know what this revelation means to my "rehab" so to speak, I'm not depressed about it like I used to be, but I feel like there are probably really deep issues that I'm not willing to think about but if I don't then this could happen anytime or anywhere. I don't know any girl who thinks her looks are perfect so I know I'm normal in that respect, I just can't help but wonder if my issues are big enough to require "help." My comparison is that there are some girls who think they have a big nose so they get a nose job but then there are the girls who try to cut their noses off themselves and nearly kill themselves, I'm the latter, not that I would try to slit my wrists, but that bullshit I was doing with starving myself and exercising to the point I saw black spots, that was me killing myself, just in a different way.