How To Dissapear Completely
I went to see the councilor today for the first time. She looked kinda like a slightly more hippy version of fantasist_aqua's mum. She caught be off-guard by springing the "So what have you come to see for?" question immediately. And then I realised, it's so easy to bitch and moan about all my problems, but to admit theres something seriously wrong, and no, everything is not OK, and no, I haven't had a happy life, is nerve-wracking. So I started in a clumsy way, I think I placed too much emphasis on the social anxiety than the depression, though they are both linked. She seemed convinced at first in a cliched counselor way my fear of social situations was probably caused by "trauma in my early childhood" and we would have to find it. She made me think of the worst moment of my life (the only proper party I have ever been to) and the emotional and physical sensations I was feeling then. Then she got me to shut my eyes and counted back the years of my life and asked me to "notice anything that floats to the surface that gives you the same feelings". All that "floated to the service" was "this is stupid...". After about 15 minutes counting back she got all excited like she had made some sort of medical breakthrough and asked me to describe what I found. "Err... nothing".
It all got a bit spiritual for my liking. She showed me breathing exercises and a weird thing where I had to associate (eyes shut again) a time when I felt confident and relate it to a colour and a hand movement, so when I thought of the colour or something I would suddenly become confident. Which sounds like bollocks to me, I mean, all this stuff is crap isn't it? It's so ridiculously un-practical. I wanted to point out, if I am confident people just find me annoying. To be fair, she was definately on the right tracks on what I was talking about, she mentioned a "running commentary" in my head that constantly criticises which sounds about right. She even went as far as asking me if it would be helpful to name it to which my mind immediately went "JEFF" and I nearly burst out laughing. "Err... probably not", I said. At the start of the session she mentioned that I would decide at the end if I needed to book another appointment, but at the end she just booked me one anyway so she must think I am hardcore fucked up.
Nothing else has been going on in my life of late, expect me and my mum's continuing "I'm-more-not-racist-than-you" contest where we both take turns to heap ludicrous amounts of praise on the president-elect. OH and I have a date on Saturday, friend of a friend. Hopefully won't be a total psychotic obsessive like the last one *sigh*. I am absolutely shit scared too, not only that but I also am going to a party! My second ever! *sigh*. I will be amazed if I make it into Sunday without having a mental breakdown. Kidding, it's Adam's party and I will be with Sam so it's cool. Wish me luck people.
It all got a bit spiritual for my liking. She showed me breathing exercises and a weird thing where I had to associate (eyes shut again) a time when I felt confident and relate it to a colour and a hand movement, so when I thought of the colour or something I would suddenly become confident. Which sounds like bollocks to me, I mean, all this stuff is crap isn't it? It's so ridiculously un-practical. I wanted to point out, if I am confident people just find me annoying. To be fair, she was definately on the right tracks on what I was talking about, she mentioned a "running commentary" in my head that constantly criticises which sounds about right. She even went as far as asking me if it would be helpful to name it to which my mind immediately went "JEFF" and I nearly burst out laughing. "Err... probably not", I said. At the start of the session she mentioned that I would decide at the end if I needed to book another appointment, but at the end she just booked me one anyway so she must think I am hardcore fucked up.
Nothing else has been going on in my life of late, expect me and my mum's continuing "I'm-more-not-racist-than-you" contest where we both take turns to heap ludicrous amounts of praise on the president-elect. OH and I have a date on Saturday, friend of a friend. Hopefully won't be a total psychotic obsessive like the last one *sigh*. I am absolutely shit scared too, not only that but I also am going to a party! My second ever! *sigh*. I will be amazed if I make it into Sunday without having a mental breakdown. Kidding, it's Adam's party and I will be with Sam so it's cool. Wish me luck people.