(no subject)
where do I begin..Justin James Mattei. Apparently, that's where I'll begin. I brought something up last night that brought us onto the whole Zach subject. I mentioned nonchalantly that the relationship scarred me, and that it's a huge reason as to why I can't be as intimate as I'd like to be for him. I don't think I know how to explain the things I did or went through, or if it's something I even need to do in order to get past out. he calls me a prude though and as much as I laugh it off, it hurts my feelings.there was a time where I was willing to try new things and be more weirdly sexually adventurous. I got screwed and mentally kicked while those acts or whatever we're tried. now, I'm nowhere near comfortable enough to even try anything different. I'm scared and don't feel sexy and feel inadequate. I don't want to say these things to him because I'd rather just try to conquer it and be able to move forward but unfortunately, it doesn't feel as though I can do those things. I'm with someone now who Im so retarded happy around. sex seems to fuck it up more often than it should. I don't like to give blow jobs,I don't deep throat,I don't swallow,I don't like it in my butt,I don't feel comfortable doing a cheesy porn.when he doesn't come, I feel to blame. I feel like I went way off topic. I shouldn't have said what I said last night. and I shouldn't say anything unless I'm ready to have a conversation about it. but I honestly don't know if talking about any of that stuff will be helpful. if it would be, I'd try. but I feel as though he would just view me differently if I did. I wish everyday that I could be less "prude" with him. I want to make him happy. which I also feel guilty about. he is willing to pretty much try anything I want, but I say I "can't" . I had a dream after we kinda got into it last night. it was so simple.he got into bed and put his arms around me and told me he loved me...so much. I realized waking up this morning, I would love to hear those words. maybe I am still afraid of his lack of commitment,I don't know.I'm trying so hard to analyze this whole situation.which in turn is making me feel like I need to speak to someone professionally. meh. I feel crazy again.I just want to figure out how to put this whole ugly thing behind me and never have to think about it again. just make it disappear. I hate it. I feel like I use it as a crutch and I really don't want to.
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