(no subject)
i have so many questions but there is one that i just can't seem to find the answer no matter how fucking hard i try! that would be....WHY??? why did i have go to through all this shit? why do i have to continue going through it all? it seems as if nothing is going right. i try so hard to not think about all the shit by keeping myself busy. but i eventually run outta things to do, especially now. and i start to think about everything. i think about my mom, and how much i fucking miss her. and how nice it would be to have a mom. i wish that i could be like "o yeah, the other day my mom and i...." or to say "my mom said this...." i just wish i could have her here; this is the most hardest part of my life right now, and it would soooo be nice to have her with me. and the other day, my aunt was like talking to someone at her work and she was all ".....its been prolly about 7 yrs since my sister died...." and i never actually realized that it was her sister. i mean, i like know they were sisters, but it never REALLY hit me, that....she lost her sister! i mean, it'd be like losing one of my best friends! and i sooo couldn't imagine going through that!
father's day is this sunday....it's gonna be the first father's day with out my daddy. i lost my mom right after mother's day, and now i've lost my daddy right before father's day. and all i can say is WHY????? do i really deserve all of this? maybe i do....maybe i asked for this. maybe this is exactly what i should get.
but we're gonna go down to my parents grave on sunday(god that sounds sooo fucking weird!!) and i sooo don't know what i'm gonna do! i might go crazy for all i know, i'm already extremely close!!! i just feel like dying. then i wouldn't have to worry about ne thing ne more, and i wouldn't have to go through ne more shit. but i mean, what else could i fucking go through?? this is just too much, and i can't handle this!!!! i cry myself to sleep almost every damn night! and i just start crying like whenever; i can't control it ne more. *maybe i need a higher dose.....* people think my life is so perfect, so i guess i'm doing a good job. as happy as i look on the outside, its way opposite on the inside. outside, i look pretty well together and just fine, but on the inside, i'm broken and mixed up and so confused and i'm like dying! i just don't know what to fucking do ne more!!!! crying can only do so much and it gets old after a while....
father's day is this sunday....it's gonna be the first father's day with out my daddy. i lost my mom right after mother's day, and now i've lost my daddy right before father's day. and all i can say is WHY????? do i really deserve all of this? maybe i do....maybe i asked for this. maybe this is exactly what i should get.
but we're gonna go down to my parents grave on sunday(god that sounds sooo fucking weird!!) and i sooo don't know what i'm gonna do! i might go crazy for all i know, i'm already extremely close!!! i just feel like dying. then i wouldn't have to worry about ne thing ne more, and i wouldn't have to go through ne more shit. but i mean, what else could i fucking go through?? this is just too much, and i can't handle this!!!! i cry myself to sleep almost every damn night! and i just start crying like whenever; i can't control it ne more. *maybe i need a higher dose.....* people think my life is so perfect, so i guess i'm doing a good job. as happy as i look on the outside, its way opposite on the inside. outside, i look pretty well together and just fine, but on the inside, i'm broken and mixed up and so confused and i'm like dying! i just don't know what to fucking do ne more!!!! crying can only do so much and it gets old after a while....