it isn't over.
trembling and doubled over on my living room floor, i was certain things could get no worse. every moment that passed was a lifetime of agony and despair. color drained from my body with the recollection of the darkest side of humanity that had gripped my neck just minutes before. police officers paced my apartment with guns, cameras, and inquisitive empathy at their aid. i was helpless, hopeless--and all because of him.
willfully and nervously, i placed my right hand on the railing. watching as one foot followed the other up the stairs, i swallowed back the vomit and insanity leaping up inside me from being in the very same room as him. i focused my eyes on my attorney, prim and pressed in her red jacket, smiling at me. tears welled in my eyes as i recounted the darkest days of my life, fleshing out the shadows inside me while my family wrapped their arms around each other in the stands. shaking, i listened as the judge ordered his legal distance from me. i was tired, hateful--and all because of him.
feet stretched out before me, i glanced down at the tanned skin that covered my bones. small scraps of fabric in the guise of a swimming suit draped my body. knowing that my life was lacking both direction and control, i smiled with the pleasure knowing i could at least control what i ate. or rather, didn't eat. days passed like lightyears as i spent my time obsessing about the three numbers that fated my happiness at the tips of my toes as i stepped on the scale. i equated losing weight with gaining strength. i was lonely, disappearing--all because of him.
i sighed and heaved my bag over my shoulder as i made my way to my car after a long day of pretending to be happy at work. a crumpled note was tucked under my windshield wiper. i shuddered--could he have found my car? no, no. that's not his handwriting. instead, it was a stranger--warning me of a bubble in my tire. "could cause a blowout," it said. puzzled, grateful, i slipped into the drivers seat, silent. my eyes flashed nervously to the rear view mirror. hm. guess there are some nice people. it was truly a forgotten thought. i was consoled, cautious--and all because of a complete stranger.
the doorbell rang and i pulled down the edges of my shirt. i stumbled nervously to the door, smoothed my ponytail, and took a deep breath. but no amount of time of willful composure to finally see you again after all this time. there you stood, tall, dark, and as handsome as they come with a look of worry and relief sweeping simultaneously across your face. we embraced awkwardly, my hands not knowing which parts of your body to were appropriate to touch. butterflies that i thought had all but been destroyed fluttered wildly in my chest. we shared forgettable words. i instead was basking in the memory of a world so loving, in the presence of a man whose arms and gentle whispers once offered me more consolation than life itself. i was hopeful, fateful--and all because of you.
salt-ridden streaks on our cheeks served as a gentle reminder of our pains, losses, and years apart as we timidly held hands across the table. afraid to let go, afraid to love again, we slowly pried the lid off of a love we had become convinced was surely but a dream. feelings and hopes of life and love rekindled themselves as we sat across from each other. images of ourselves seven years younger and unforgettably in love lingered as we slowly chipped away the walls around our hearts. i was in disbelief, renewed--and all because of you.
i positioned my headphones back inside my ears and turned the volume up loud enough to drown out my mind. i refused to fall apart, to let my happiness be contingent upon another person anymore. i studied my eyes on the blinking cursor in front of me, demanding productivity from my mind and fingertips. angrily, i wiped away the tears that managed to escape my eyes. my lower lip stung from my unintentional grimace and i caught myself glancing to see if you might return. i did it twice more before i commanded myself on the notebook paper sprawled out in front of me: enough, b. just as soon as you'd come into my life, you walked away again. an entire bottle of malbec worked no better than the music to drown out my misery. i was alone, regretting--and all because of you me.
i'm lying here now, blanketed in an afghan and the lonely, awful, obvious realization that i can't pawn these feelings off anymore. i want to be strong again, tough. i want to have good relationships, loving feelings. i want to believe in my future, in the future of humanity. i want to wake up in the morning and embrace the day with hope and joy. i'm making changes in my life to get there, but i want you by my side. you said i wouldn't have to fight this fight alone but where are you now, when i'm needing you most? you say i need to re-evaluate what i'm fighting for and about. but don't you get it? don't you see? all along all i ever wanted was you, was us, was the life we have when we're together. you're my past, my ailing present, and my hope for my future. you make me forget all the horrid stuff in my life... and when i can't anymore, you're the one to hold me and help me through it. you're the reason i believe in the love and the reason i won't give up. it may be wrong, it may be selfish, foolish, hopeless, senseless to hold you in such high esteem but no one ever said that love made sense. so here i am feeling all those things i thought i'd become incapable of, dreaming of a future i thought i may never have, hopeful, and waiting (ever so impatiently)--and all for you.
willfully and nervously, i placed my right hand on the railing. watching as one foot followed the other up the stairs, i swallowed back the vomit and insanity leaping up inside me from being in the very same room as him. i focused my eyes on my attorney, prim and pressed in her red jacket, smiling at me. tears welled in my eyes as i recounted the darkest days of my life, fleshing out the shadows inside me while my family wrapped their arms around each other in the stands. shaking, i listened as the judge ordered his legal distance from me. i was tired, hateful--and all because of him.
feet stretched out before me, i glanced down at the tanned skin that covered my bones. small scraps of fabric in the guise of a swimming suit draped my body. knowing that my life was lacking both direction and control, i smiled with the pleasure knowing i could at least control what i ate. or rather, didn't eat. days passed like lightyears as i spent my time obsessing about the three numbers that fated my happiness at the tips of my toes as i stepped on the scale. i equated losing weight with gaining strength. i was lonely, disappearing--all because of him.
i sighed and heaved my bag over my shoulder as i made my way to my car after a long day of pretending to be happy at work. a crumpled note was tucked under my windshield wiper. i shuddered--could he have found my car? no, no. that's not his handwriting. instead, it was a stranger--warning me of a bubble in my tire. "could cause a blowout," it said. puzzled, grateful, i slipped into the drivers seat, silent. my eyes flashed nervously to the rear view mirror. hm. guess there are some nice people. it was truly a forgotten thought. i was consoled, cautious--and all because of a complete stranger.
the doorbell rang and i pulled down the edges of my shirt. i stumbled nervously to the door, smoothed my ponytail, and took a deep breath. but no amount of time of willful composure to finally see you again after all this time. there you stood, tall, dark, and as handsome as they come with a look of worry and relief sweeping simultaneously across your face. we embraced awkwardly, my hands not knowing which parts of your body to were appropriate to touch. butterflies that i thought had all but been destroyed fluttered wildly in my chest. we shared forgettable words. i instead was basking in the memory of a world so loving, in the presence of a man whose arms and gentle whispers once offered me more consolation than life itself. i was hopeful, fateful--and all because of you.
salt-ridden streaks on our cheeks served as a gentle reminder of our pains, losses, and years apart as we timidly held hands across the table. afraid to let go, afraid to love again, we slowly pried the lid off of a love we had become convinced was surely but a dream. feelings and hopes of life and love rekindled themselves as we sat across from each other. images of ourselves seven years younger and unforgettably in love lingered as we slowly chipped away the walls around our hearts. i was in disbelief, renewed--and all because of you.
i positioned my headphones back inside my ears and turned the volume up loud enough to drown out my mind. i refused to fall apart, to let my happiness be contingent upon another person anymore. i studied my eyes on the blinking cursor in front of me, demanding productivity from my mind and fingertips. angrily, i wiped away the tears that managed to escape my eyes. my lower lip stung from my unintentional grimace and i caught myself glancing to see if you might return. i did it twice more before i commanded myself on the notebook paper sprawled out in front of me: enough, b. just as soon as you'd come into my life, you walked away again. an entire bottle of malbec worked no better than the music to drown out my misery. i was alone, regretting--and all because of you me.
i'm lying here now, blanketed in an afghan and the lonely, awful, obvious realization that i can't pawn these feelings off anymore. i want to be strong again, tough. i want to have good relationships, loving feelings. i want to believe in my future, in the future of humanity. i want to wake up in the morning and embrace the day with hope and joy. i'm making changes in my life to get there, but i want you by my side. you said i wouldn't have to fight this fight alone but where are you now, when i'm needing you most? you say i need to re-evaluate what i'm fighting for and about. but don't you get it? don't you see? all along all i ever wanted was you, was us, was the life we have when we're together. you're my past, my ailing present, and my hope for my future. you make me forget all the horrid stuff in my life... and when i can't anymore, you're the one to hold me and help me through it. you're the reason i believe in the love and the reason i won't give up. it may be wrong, it may be selfish, foolish, hopeless, senseless to hold you in such high esteem but no one ever said that love made sense. so here i am feeling all those things i thought i'd become incapable of, dreaming of a future i thought i may never have, hopeful, and waiting (ever so impatiently)--and all for you.