(no subject)
I realised something just now after reading some of my other journal entries. I think I blocked away the "happy" person I could be after I was criticized as that person. By shelling myself up, by allowing no one to see me....I was alright. Even if people criticized me, though it did hurt, it wasn't as bad because it wasn't the real me they saw and criticized. I realise that I have a constant fear, CONSTANT, of rejection. It's natural I know, but if anyone can understand what I'm saying....This is why I couldn't ever let myself be happy, or atleast partially it. This week and last I have felt very good. Something I'm going to have to do, which will be very hard, is face my fears of rejection. You see, by having a fear of rejection, I could never overcome it because I have low self-esteem. My low self-esteem stopped me from facing "rejection". I have so many things that I love, enjoy....That I think are beautiful and make me happy. Instead of criticizing these things for being beautiful(because they made me like them!)I can look at them and see that they are beautiful and it's alright to express a little emotion. I can't keep things bottled up. I mean, it's never worked before. :-P And I ESPECIALLY can't keep my feelings of happiness bottled up because then that leads to exactly what I described before-finding happiness only within myself and wanting to be a "loner". Everyone needs happiness. I have to get up my courage, what little of none I have, and do things true to myself. I can't base myself off others or my existence will never truly exist. I will become who I was born to be!
Whitney Dibble
Whitney Dibble