Feb 01, 2006 08:39
i woke up last night and i was suffocating. i thought for a second i was going to go into shock. my throat feels like it's almost completely closed up. i think i just need really fresh air.
andrew was here last night too. i think it was sort of really weird having him here. not in a bad way, just sort of interesting. he ate a whole bowl of pepperocinis. typical andrew. i miss that.
my rent is due today and i have to go back and pay for it. and then move out.
gay.
but whatever.
thursday i still want to go to boston. i don't even care if i'm slightly sick. i can't stand being around much longer. i'm going out today so i think my stuffy head will clear up when i'm moving around more. the fever was gone yesterday. i think it just turned into a really nasty cold/sinus/allegeries/thing.
emily m is gonna take me out for "coffee" in an hour or so. i can't believe how early i've been gettting up.
i've been looking at all these old pictures from last year on the lap top. i completely forgot about almost all of them. i also found all my writing from last year. and a ton more art work.
i found that drawing i never finished of the bleeding through sleeve with the girl and the guy and the guns... you know the one. i'm gonna finish it. and i'm also going to finish the story i had written for creative writing and make it into novel material and see if i can get it published. emily has a copy of the old rendition and she's going to edit it on her part. i have another copy and i'm editing it on my part. and combining our powers....
no but seriously.
i think it has a lot of potential. it just needs a lot of adjusting. some of the writing is so melodramatic and ...actually profoundly desperate. of course, that was the epitamy of erica at that time. everything i wrote was always so furious, frustrated and lost.
i coulnd't get through much because i just got angry with myself for being so :
lkgjklgjskfglkjvhfg, ALL THE TIME.
it was crazy though, yesterday. i felt like i found myself somewhere. i part of me i thought i threw away.
i really miss certain aspects of who i was. little video clips and my tape recorder from paris. i laughed so much. and maybe i was just doing a really good job of hiding how miserable i was. regardless of whether it was legit or just self imposed.
i was crazy. i danced all the time. i wore bracelets and barretts and all sorts of eye shadow. and tights and a jean jacket and sang really loud and took pictures of everything.
i don't really do any of that now.
i don't know why i feel the need to act like an adult all of a sudden.
i don't care how old i am. i see everyone else around me acting like complete idiots.
i don't understand why i'm not allowing myself to let go. is it because of the fear that i might get lost? slip away too far? lose that control all over again?
does it even matter?
there are so many questions i have. so many responsibilites i think i've been given.
but maybe it's an illusion. no no no i really think it IS an illusion.
i don't want to try to take on the world and expect to win. but i'd like to do something more with my life.
i'm not meant for small town life. i've never been. not the kind of girl that will be happy working two jobs like i do and hating every second between walking in the door to collapsing onto my mattress.
i've lost touch of my unreality. my imagination. my creativity. well no, i haven't. i just think i have to.
i was so fascinated when i found a photo album yesterday. i had forgotten about all of the pictures in it. andrew b, tom b, sean, maclean, netty, rob, mike w, brian h, kaitlyn, michelle, etc. and me.
the trip to VT for no reason with heather m. randall and ryan and brian jeremy kaitlyn donny all these people i don't even remember the names of.
phil staying at my house for a few nights. portsmouth with him and chia.
sneaking out with joel. teddy grahams at his house.
portsmouth with jess. that bonfire party and her accidentally saying some guy was hot so loud that he heard. colt .45
rob and sean and michelle sleeping over. i told them not to take any obscene pictures on my camera. and when i developed the film, the one time i let rob borrow it, there's a picture of sean flipping me off. because those things used to be such a big deal!!
district conventions. i found a letter from rob's mom. i don't think i could read it now, but i remember it was the sweetest thing i've ever recieved. and i'm keeping it forever.
i found a letter from elliott. he gave me his bank card. i completely forgot about that. i have no idea why he did that.
i feel like i needed to forget myself. i vowed never to come to dover again.
and here i am, hanging out. ironic.
i guess it really sucks how things have gone in the past few weeks. michelle and i don't even seem to actaully want to talk to each other. everything seems to be going well for her. i'm not jealous. i don't care. things are good for me too. it just hurt when she told me all i ever think about is me. i don't. if anything i'm less selfish now than i have ever been in my entire life. i wanted to fix my damage. but now it seems like there is no point to it.
i think it's just funny, that in the past few days, i don't even miss anyone anymore.
i miss the way things were. but mostly i'm just reminiscing. smiling at the thought of it all in my head. i don't need the friendships i had to be who i was and who i am.
it's just weird.
bleh.
california is like two weeks away.