Pirate Boyz 'r da meanest n postiest dere iz!
I'd like to take this moment of clarity to go ahead and lay down some house rules while my mind is still running in one direction. This is of course assuming I survive the next 2 weeks worth of bullshit and I do in fact land gainful employment and manage to maintain a steady income. Keep in mind that paying tenants (meaning my sister and I) are exempt to pretty much every one of these seeing as how we pay for it and you do not. If you disagree or do not like any of the following, pay some goddamned rent. The list will still apply to you of course, but we'll also be one step closer to the PS3 fund and you get to select your size in "hahahahaha sucker" t-shirts.
- There is to be absolutely no food or drink to go past the first floor. I've had problems in previous places with people leaving their shit around my room, spilling liquids where they should never be and leaving bits of food on my bed. I've also had more than enough problems with friends who consider themselves "special" or figure since I do it they can to, and I especially hate the empty promises of "I'll take it right back once I'm done" which to me translates to "if I get away with this long enough it will not apply to me". This is not your shit. This is my shit. This is my sister's shit. If you cannot handle the subtle fragrance of our shit, then take your shit back home. Fuck your shit.
- There is no Chuck E. Cheese sign outside of our door. General fucking around and asshattery is ok, but if you want to get physical about things there's plenty of grass outside to grope yourselves in. This includes bumping into walls, leaping down stairs, hanging off stuff, sliding down rails, combat rolling, CQC demonstrations, violent orgasms and anything that would require a running start. Treat this as if it was your mama's house. If anything listed still does not apply, she obviously did not raise you correctly and you should probably consider re-learning middle school english.
- Keep the noise at reasonable levels. We do have neighbors, and there is a noise ordinance. I don't care how thick the walls are or if you think people can hear us or not. It's not a point of discussion or argument. If I have to resort to telling people to shut the fuck up because they don't know how not to scream at the top of their lungs, it will most likely involve a swift jab to the windpipe. Again, your mama's house. If you were raised by Helen Keller that's your problem, not mine. In the rare case that I am temporarily retarded enough to allow someone to stay overnight my sister may have to work early mornings and too often has to close the store on the same day, meaning she will actually have to turn off WoW and sleep at night. If you wake her up once, she'll be pissed. Twice and you'll probably be sleeping in a bush somewhere outside the nearest accessible window. You've been warned.
- I consider myself very lenient when it comes to the cleaning of my house with guests, as you aren't required to really do anything except not piss me or my sister off. As with the kitchen, we just request you put things in a general location. If you don't know how to work one of those new fangled dishwasher machinations don't stress. However, if you leave the house a mess I will kill you. I will scoop your eyes out with a splintery wooden spoon, feed them to my cat, skull fuck you until I leave mushroom shaped dents in the back of your skull then force you to watch 50 consecutive episodes of the 4Kids dub of One Piece. Do not tempt fate, for fate is a cruel motherfucker named Joseph and he will get you.
- Referring to people that know specifically me, I would prefer it if you announced your presence ahead of time or on the way here. I don't mind pleasant surprises, you'd just better be damn well sure I'll be pleased to see you. This generally only applies to people I haven't seen in forever or people I don't see or hear from often (SURPRISE ME NICOLE SURPRISE ME YOU HAVE MY ADDRESS).
These are things that will be addressed to those who don't have internet or are otherwise lazy/illiterate. I am not an overly emotional or biased person. I am also not a dictator. I prefer things to run smoothly and non-confrontational without the need for drama and Fresh Prince of Bel Air/Jazzy Jeff impressions. I would also like to remind everyone collectively that no single one of you is "special". I don't make exceptions based on how much you do not piss me off or how much free stuff you give me. If you are special that means you are either a parent or we are dating, in which case you have enough respect for me that this is not an issue anyway. If you think you have what it takes to be special, applications for girlfriend are in a stack on the left. Most of you would have better luck becoming a Navy SEAL.
Also, I have been reading the Ork Codex to brush up on my Warhammer 40K lore. Now what the hell does this have to do with anything? Well my recent attraction to the series and love for those green skinned bastards prompted me to look for more literary works on them. Of course I wasn't at all disappointed or surprised to see a lack of ork based fluff, and some friends mention how awesome a novel or story of some kind from their point of view would be. Given my apparently impressive literary skills and unnatural love for big green things, it was suggested jokingly by a few people that I be the one to write something from the viewpoint of a warboss with an exceptionally high IQ of 45. Then we sat and thought about how damned awesome that would really be. So for the sake of entertainment and the pure challenge of writing something that incredibly dumb, I have been commissioned to be the one to write it. Of course I'll have to do my fair share of research to say true to the fluff and it'll be no better than stories of an Imperial commissar who wears the mechanical right arm of an ork he killed in melee combat or naked eldar frolicking through a sunflower patch, but damn if it won't be fun.
There's probably two of you reading this who know what the hell I'm talking about. For the rest of you, paw a bit through the wiki article to get a general idea of what I'm attempting to accomplish here. It could quite possibly be the orkiest story ever told.
- There is to be absolutely no food or drink to go past the first floor. I've had problems in previous places with people leaving their shit around my room, spilling liquids where they should never be and leaving bits of food on my bed. I've also had more than enough problems with friends who consider themselves "special" or figure since I do it they can to, and I especially hate the empty promises of "I'll take it right back once I'm done" which to me translates to "if I get away with this long enough it will not apply to me". This is not your shit. This is my shit. This is my sister's shit. If you cannot handle the subtle fragrance of our shit, then take your shit back home. Fuck your shit.
- There is no Chuck E. Cheese sign outside of our door. General fucking around and asshattery is ok, but if you want to get physical about things there's plenty of grass outside to grope yourselves in. This includes bumping into walls, leaping down stairs, hanging off stuff, sliding down rails, combat rolling, CQC demonstrations, violent orgasms and anything that would require a running start. Treat this as if it was your mama's house. If anything listed still does not apply, she obviously did not raise you correctly and you should probably consider re-learning middle school english.
- Keep the noise at reasonable levels. We do have neighbors, and there is a noise ordinance. I don't care how thick the walls are or if you think people can hear us or not. It's not a point of discussion or argument. If I have to resort to telling people to shut the fuck up because they don't know how not to scream at the top of their lungs, it will most likely involve a swift jab to the windpipe. Again, your mama's house. If you were raised by Helen Keller that's your problem, not mine. In the rare case that I am temporarily retarded enough to allow someone to stay overnight my sister may have to work early mornings and too often has to close the store on the same day, meaning she will actually have to turn off WoW and sleep at night. If you wake her up once, she'll be pissed. Twice and you'll probably be sleeping in a bush somewhere outside the nearest accessible window. You've been warned.
- I consider myself very lenient when it comes to the cleaning of my house with guests, as you aren't required to really do anything except not piss me or my sister off. As with the kitchen, we just request you put things in a general location. If you don't know how to work one of those new fangled dishwasher machinations don't stress. However, if you leave the house a mess I will kill you. I will scoop your eyes out with a splintery wooden spoon, feed them to my cat, skull fuck you until I leave mushroom shaped dents in the back of your skull then force you to watch 50 consecutive episodes of the 4Kids dub of One Piece. Do not tempt fate, for fate is a cruel motherfucker named Joseph and he will get you.
- Referring to people that know specifically me, I would prefer it if you announced your presence ahead of time or on the way here. I don't mind pleasant surprises, you'd just better be damn well sure I'll be pleased to see you. This generally only applies to people I haven't seen in forever or people I don't see or hear from often (SURPRISE ME NICOLE SURPRISE ME YOU HAVE MY ADDRESS).
These are things that will be addressed to those who don't have internet or are otherwise lazy/illiterate. I am not an overly emotional or biased person. I am also not a dictator. I prefer things to run smoothly and non-confrontational without the need for drama and Fresh Prince of Bel Air/Jazzy Jeff impressions. I would also like to remind everyone collectively that no single one of you is "special". I don't make exceptions based on how much you do not piss me off or how much free stuff you give me. If you are special that means you are either a parent or we are dating, in which case you have enough respect for me that this is not an issue anyway. If you think you have what it takes to be special, applications for girlfriend are in a stack on the left. Most of you would have better luck becoming a Navy SEAL.
Also, I have been reading the Ork Codex to brush up on my Warhammer 40K lore. Now what the hell does this have to do with anything? Well my recent attraction to the series and love for those green skinned bastards prompted me to look for more literary works on them. Of course I wasn't at all disappointed or surprised to see a lack of ork based fluff, and some friends mention how awesome a novel or story of some kind from their point of view would be. Given my apparently impressive literary skills and unnatural love for big green things, it was suggested jokingly by a few people that I be the one to write something from the viewpoint of a warboss with an exceptionally high IQ of 45. Then we sat and thought about how damned awesome that would really be. So for the sake of entertainment and the pure challenge of writing something that incredibly dumb, I have been commissioned to be the one to write it. Of course I'll have to do my fair share of research to say true to the fluff and it'll be no better than stories of an Imperial commissar who wears the mechanical right arm of an ork he killed in melee combat or naked eldar frolicking through a sunflower patch, but damn if it won't be fun.
There's probably two of you reading this who know what the hell I'm talking about. For the rest of you, paw a bit through the wiki article to get a general idea of what I'm attempting to accomplish here. It could quite possibly be the orkiest story ever told.