disappointed, confused, unsure
Well the one year with my ex is over. As of last week I finally had enough. Lots of talk, no action, and his friends just feed him into a sink hole.
I guess its true what they say about life, coming back and nipping you in the ass. When you give it your all and work your hardest, nothing ever seems to come out right. Let me explain. For the past year, I have been trying to get my ex back into school, get a degree, and into his own place. Didn't work, he didn't want to grow up beyond high school. Then I've been trying to keep in touch with my best buddy Russ, who I think affectionately as a brother now. He's with this great girl and they're getting married. I'm so happy for him. Every time I think of him getting married, I want to jump up and down for joy and start preparing his invites for free and to his fiancee's every expectation. But I call, no answer. I write, no response. What have I ever done to receive this type of punishment? To make matters worse, after Kenny and I broke up, I received word of my mom's cat-scan. I just want to roll up into a ball and cry. They found a dark mass around her lungs. Either the cancer is benign and in remission, or its spreading like wildfire. I don't know. To think of losing my mom is catastrophic. I don't know what I'll do. I don't have the heart to let my sister know about it and worry. She has enough on her plate. The only one that really seems to be there for me is Jess. My best friend, ally, and confidant.
Speaking of confidant's, I was added to one of my ex's list. (& I don't give two shits about my ex.s if they were to read this now, its better to know than not.) The one I was madly in love with and choose another over me. God,... they say time heals all wounds, it just makes my larger... He is what I compare every man I date to. The brief period we were together seems like a distant dream that never happened. He's the only man I truly deeply loved... but I don't even exist to him anymore. I try to open my heart with the full knowledge of the fact I'm going to get trampled. So why do I allow myself to do it. Thinking back on those days really makes me understand why I do the things I do. I wasn't able to keep him around, so instead nowadays I try and "buy" time as it were to keep the men I want around. But you can't buy what you never had. He's the only man I have thought about or truly wanted, and in the end even after he said he loved me,...I wasn't good enough... Makes me wonder if I ever will be. I've even tried to get in contact with him, but not a word (vocal/written) has been said...I guess I'm like a hopeless puppy-dog in this case, and no matter how many times he were to kick me away, I'd still be sitting there, waiting for him. Its pathetic... I'm pathetic. Don't even know why I even bother. He's probably better off without me as it were anyway. He was always so gifted, art as well as making friends. Why would he want me around? Except for Jess and my parents, no one truly needs me around, they just use me until they get what they want, then when they do I'm forgotten and thrown aside. Its what my path was made to be, and no one messes with fate's decisions. ( I love him so much....)
I guess its true what they say about life, coming back and nipping you in the ass. When you give it your all and work your hardest, nothing ever seems to come out right. Let me explain. For the past year, I have been trying to get my ex back into school, get a degree, and into his own place. Didn't work, he didn't want to grow up beyond high school. Then I've been trying to keep in touch with my best buddy Russ, who I think affectionately as a brother now. He's with this great girl and they're getting married. I'm so happy for him. Every time I think of him getting married, I want to jump up and down for joy and start preparing his invites for free and to his fiancee's every expectation. But I call, no answer. I write, no response. What have I ever done to receive this type of punishment? To make matters worse, after Kenny and I broke up, I received word of my mom's cat-scan. I just want to roll up into a ball and cry. They found a dark mass around her lungs. Either the cancer is benign and in remission, or its spreading like wildfire. I don't know. To think of losing my mom is catastrophic. I don't know what I'll do. I don't have the heart to let my sister know about it and worry. She has enough on her plate. The only one that really seems to be there for me is Jess. My best friend, ally, and confidant.
Speaking of confidant's, I was added to one of my ex's list. (& I don't give two shits about my ex.s if they were to read this now, its better to know than not.) The one I was madly in love with and choose another over me. God,... they say time heals all wounds, it just makes my larger... He is what I compare every man I date to. The brief period we were together seems like a distant dream that never happened. He's the only man I truly deeply loved... but I don't even exist to him anymore. I try to open my heart with the full knowledge of the fact I'm going to get trampled. So why do I allow myself to do it. Thinking back on those days really makes me understand why I do the things I do. I wasn't able to keep him around, so instead nowadays I try and "buy" time as it were to keep the men I want around. But you can't buy what you never had. He's the only man I have thought about or truly wanted, and in the end even after he said he loved me,...I wasn't good enough... Makes me wonder if I ever will be. I've even tried to get in contact with him, but not a word (vocal/written) has been said...I guess I'm like a hopeless puppy-dog in this case, and no matter how many times he were to kick me away, I'd still be sitting there, waiting for him. Its pathetic... I'm pathetic. Don't even know why I even bother. He's probably better off without me as it were anyway. He was always so gifted, art as well as making friends. Why would he want me around? Except for Jess and my parents, no one truly needs me around, they just use me until they get what they want, then when they do I'm forgotten and thrown aside. Its what my path was made to be, and no one messes with fate's decisions. ( I love him so much....)