Application: Shoggies! (Unspeakable Vault of Doom)
A very concise history of the Shoggies.
The Shoggies are a cracky version of Lovecraft's Shoggoths, and when they speak of other Mythos creatures, they will be speaking of the cracky UVoD versions, hence "Cthulhoo" instead of the proper "Cthulhu", "Nyarly" instead of "Nyarlathotep", etc. There's about 20-some shoggies currently swarming the Sorting Room, but with Shoggies, this is a very mutable number.
Shoggy: "Sooo cool!"
SPLAT! The sound of a Shoggy, falling, through a non-euclidean hole in space, and hitting the floor to break into multiple Shoggies.
Shoggies: "Oooh, hi there Shoggy!" "Oh hi Shoggy, are you new or am I new?" "Oooh, what's this?" "Sooo cool!" "Tekeli-li!" "Did someone summon us? Can we eat them?" "I need an eye! I don't have any eyes!"
The sound of multiple Shoggies, now scattered around the Sorting Room, most on the floor, but a few are draped over the furniture. The strange beings are amorphous masses of quivering pink flesh, spotted with seemingly random and shifting eyes and and teeth- although a few of the Shoggies haven't been lucky enough to end up with an eye after the splattering impact. Even the tiniest bit of Shoggy quivers with a unearthly sentience.
The shoggies mill around the Sorting Room, apparently fascinated by their new environment, which is apparently 'sooo cool' by most of their estimates. Amidst a idiotic babbling of 'new' Shoggies introducing themselves to the others can be heard the occasional pertinent statement.
Shoggy 1: "What's this, Shoggy?"
Shoggy 5: "It's a paper! It's sooo cool! I bet it invoked us!"
Shoggy 7 3/4 : "What's it say? I don't have an eye!"
Somehow, despite the general cacaphony of stupid babbling, a few of the Shoggies manage to focus their attention, if not their non-existent intellect, upon the application.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Shoggy 5: "It wants to know our favorite cheese! What's a cheese?"
Shoggy 8: "I know what a cheese is! . . .What's a cheese?"
Another Shoggy, draped over a chair, quivers with excitement.
Shoggy 11 : "I have LEGS! Look, look, I have legs!"
A valid enough statement, from the Shoggy's perspective- in its happiness, it has begun drooling acid, which is slowly eating through the wood.
Shoggy 13: "Cheese is food. I think I heard Master Nyarly say something about it once! But I've never had cheese. I've had lots of penguins, and lots of polar bears, and lots of fishes, and once I had a giant squid I think, and I might have had a human, because Master Cthulhoo says they are 'yum yum' and it was definitely yum yum but I think that humans are supposed to have two legs and a funny-looking head, and I'm pretty sure it had more legs than that, and I like cheese, because I'm sure it's yum yum too, and. . . ."
Apparently, cheesemaking was not really a focus of the Great Old Ones, or the Elder Things.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Shoggy 2: "What's a Barney? What's a Carrottop? Are they cultists?"
Shoggy 11: "Maybe they have legs! I have legs!"
Shoggy 11 is still delightedly drooling acid, and wisps of noxious vapour are pouring from the surface of the chair.
Shoggy 9: "If we can kill them, we can eat them! Maybe they're 'yum yum'! I want a Carrottop first!"
Shoggy 16: "I want to eat a Barney! Do you think Master Cthulhoo will mind? Master Cthulhoo says humans are 'yum yum', maybe they're humans?"
Shoggy 7 3/4: "I still need an eye! Someone needs to gimme an eye!"
Shoggy 4 takes pity on Shoggy 7 3/4 and squelches over to try and give it one of its multiple eyes. They become entangled, turning into a single Shoggy.
3. What time is it where you are?
Shoggy 8: "How are we supposed to know what time it is? Time takes sooo long! And I don't have any arms so I can't wear a watch!"
Shoggy 8 manages to look dejected about this, in its amorphous way.
Shoggy 10 1/2: "I was shut in a vault for aeons It was sooo boring, but I found a way to make it less boring!"
Shoggy 3: "Is it strange aeons yet? Is it? Is it?"
Shoggy 21: "Maybe the stars are right! Are they right? Is Master Cthulhoo waking up now? Is he gonna meet us here?"
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
This question is far, far too complicated for the non-existent intellect of a Shoggy. Idiot slaves just can't consider complex hypothetical situations.
Shoggy 22: "Who's an Albus Dumbledore? Is he a cultist? What's the Order of the Phoenix? Are they one of Master Nyarly's?"
Shoggy 6.66: "No, I bet they're one of Master Cthugha's!"
Shoggy 13: "No, no, it says sex! They must belong to Mastress Shubby!"
Shoggy 9: "What's a Serious Black? Is that a mask of Master Nyarly? I bet they're Master Nyarly's!"
Shoggy 3: "Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead! I bet they're Master Yogzotot's! Or maybe it is strange aeons! Cause with strange aeons, even death may die!"
Shoggy 15: "Ooooh, I hope the stars are right! That would be sooo cool!"
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
It's better to not ask a Shoggy to come up with anything new. They're good at copying, and repeating what they see or hear, but, not much of anything else.
Shoggy 4: "What's a bar? Someone tell me what's a bar!"
Shoggy 11: "Everyone, look at my legs! Look, look!"
Shoggy 11 still quivers and drools happily, draped over the chairback, which suddenly gives beneath the corrosive acids eating it away, and the shoggy flops onto the seat.
Shoggy 11: "I fell, I fell! But I still have legs! It's sooo cool!"
Shoggy 8 1/4: "Ummm. . .maybe. . .bartending in the dark. . .is kinda like a summoning? Lots of cultists summon in the dark! Is that how we got summoned?"
Shoggy 17: "Master Nyarly's Black Pit of Temptation! Now with Real Mi-Go Brain Juice! All good cultists look for the 'Nyarly's Choice' label!"
How Shoggy 17 managed to come up with a half-viable answer to this question is a complete unknown, but he'd possibly gotten into Nyarly's marketing materials.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Again, this is a difficult a question for a Shoggy.
Shoggy 23.5: "Mastress Shubby picked Master 'Zathoth cause he's the boss!" ((ooc- link's a little NSFW))
Shoggy 13 3/4: "I still need an eye! Why can't I have an eye?
Shoggy 17: "Why can't I have a hat?"
Shoggy 20: "What's a Harry? What's a Fred or George? I bet they're cultists! When Master Cthulhoo wakes up, he's gonna eat them, and he'll say they were 'yum yum'!"
Shoggy 5: "I wanna eat Fred! Can I eat Fred?"
Shoggy 17 notices Shoggy 11 atop the slowly disintegrating chair.
Shoggy 17 : "Sooo cool! You have legs! I want legs too! Gimme a leg!"
Shoggy 17 wraps itself around one of the chair legs.
Shoggy 17: "I got a leg now too, look, it's sooo cool!"
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Shoggy 5: "I've got the paper! Look, I've got it!"
Shoggy 5 waves the application around with a pseudopod.
Shoggy 7: "I know how to get rid of it! I know, I know, let me!"
Shoggy 7 begins drooling a puddle of acid, this time on the table near the application, which Shoggy 5 drops. The application's paper is slowly eaten by the acid, although, not that quickly due to some magical property or another.
Shoggy 12 1/2: "Ooooh, you did good Shoggy! That was smart!"
A swarm of several shoggies crowd around the dissolving application, a few piping up with an exclamation of 'Sooo cool!'.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Fortunately, this part of the application wasn't eaten away by the acid, yet.
Shoggy 3: "Useless? That's sooo rude!"
Shoggy 8 1/4: "I built a city, but then it got really cold, and I was frozen with some other Shoggies! Master Nyarly let me out!"
Shoggy 11: "I have legs, I can't be useless!"
Shoggy 17: "I have a leg too!"
Shoggy 17 is also so joyful it is drooling, and the chair begins to tilt as the acid eats through its precious 'leg'.
Shoggy 17: "But i think my leg broke! That's sooo not cool!"
Shoggy 17 squelches away in dissappointment. Unfortunately for Shoggy 11, it was what was still holding up the corroded chair, and, the whole thing crumbles to the ground, taking Shoggy 11 with it.
Shoggy 11 (extremely saddened): "I broke my legs!!!"
Shoggy 13: "Once I built a bunch of giant triangles in a huge sandbox for Master Nyarly! It was sooo cool! But then Master Nyarly put me and the other Shoggies inside and locked us up, it was sooo rude! He said we shouldn't eat all his worshippers but we said the worshippers were yum yum, and he locked us up anyway! But then these investigators came and they opened the door, and they were yum yum too, and I. . . ."
Shoggy 13 goes on babbling for a while.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Shoggy 8: "We can build a city!"
Shoggy 13: "Or we can build more giant triangles!"
Shoggy 7: "I can make more papers go away!"
Shoggy 13 3/4: "Why can't I have an eye? I still need an eye!"
Having somehow managed to get through the application, which was still being slowly dissolved by the puddle of acid, the Shoggies returned to swarming about the Sorting Room with more idiotic babbling.
"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _Shoggies_
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _Shoggies_
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Shoggies_
One day, marmalade Great Master Cthulhoo will rule the world. _Shoggies_