I feel you in my heart and i don't even know you...
She asked me what i was/am struggling with, i'm bleeding and all emotey and this was what i sent , i feel insane but closer to me. this person i've never even met,she's stirred all these things inside me and i hope it brings me somewhere healthy.
The last two and a half years i've been a truck driver, over the road. I lived in my truck, was mostly alone and reasonably content with the way things were.My job was my life, my life was my job and it wasn't all great but i was living. In November i lost my job, which was also my home, a month later the guy i was seeing turned out to be the loser i didn't want to believe he was and like that my world kinda turned upside down and inside out. I just kinda went from running fast and far from my past to hiding from my past without really dealing with my shit. When i got fired i got a job the next day and settled into misery. Admitting defeat, i got numb and forgot who i'd become out there in the world.
It was like i'd lived in this house where the front door had always been locked and there was no reason why it just was, and when i got my cdl and started the adventure i unlocked the door and then opened it finding this huge beautiful world with all these things to learn, new people, different people, amazing places and ideas i never really knew. Then i ended up back here havin a bitter pitty party for one, sitting back in that house with the door wide open lacking the energy to get up and walk out and afraid to face the skeletons and demons lurking in my closets.
My biggest fear was failure and when i came home it was like instead of being proud that i survived that fear, instead of remembering that i made it thru the harder parts of my big adventure and that i truly lost my job over my most minor of infractions,It was just business, nothing personal but its like i became afraid of everything.
I've always been the person who thinks too much, wondering about things i can't control but in my time out in the world i'd been growing and learning not to try to predict and figure out all the possible variables. I was rolling with things instead of watching and waiting for that perfect moment. There was no perfect moment and in the past few months i'd forgotten that and am only lately remembering that i know that.
Coming home meant facing myself and looking for the reason i keep wanting to run and what the hell i'm running to. It meant learning how to accept myself, even appreciate myself. It's not easy for me to ask for help, to remember that i'm not alone and being here is teaching me to ask, that its ok and being independant is not being alone. Finding out why i've chosen to pursue extremely unhealthy relationships with people who somewhere in me, i know are not good. I spent years trying to find comfort in the color of my own skin and when i finally found that i feel like my relationships and sexuality were under that screaming to be understood.
I've avoided meaningful, emotional relationships with men for the most part. Meaningless one night stands i'm great at, destructive, confusion based relationships that aren't relationships, i've got gold stars gallore but none of it makes me happy for more than that moment. I've never actually been with a woman, I've kissed and dated Butches here and there but never really been with anyone. The thing is i've lived off of some of those kisses. A simple second of eye contact with these few souls i've been fortunate enough to meet along the way, i'm smiling now just thinking about it. It's difficult for me to say i'm gay based on something like a kiss after years of being with men.I like people, i like souls, i like sex, i like learning and loving and i feel alive thinking of this specific type of beautiful soul with this happy medium between the sexes. I have no idea where that leaves me though and that frightens me.
The struggle i guess has been finding the balance between the things i learned out there in the world and putting it to use in my efforts to face the things i've run from, so that next time i leave coming back won't feel so much like being re-caged but more refreshing and calm like coming home should be. I hope some of this makes sense to you because it barely makes sense to me yet but i feel like atleast now im moving instead of sitting by the door. I'm cleaning the house and airing it out instead of just hiding and running. God i hope this makes some sense because i feel nuts.
The last two and a half years i've been a truck driver, over the road. I lived in my truck, was mostly alone and reasonably content with the way things were.My job was my life, my life was my job and it wasn't all great but i was living. In November i lost my job, which was also my home, a month later the guy i was seeing turned out to be the loser i didn't want to believe he was and like that my world kinda turned upside down and inside out. I just kinda went from running fast and far from my past to hiding from my past without really dealing with my shit. When i got fired i got a job the next day and settled into misery. Admitting defeat, i got numb and forgot who i'd become out there in the world.
It was like i'd lived in this house where the front door had always been locked and there was no reason why it just was, and when i got my cdl and started the adventure i unlocked the door and then opened it finding this huge beautiful world with all these things to learn, new people, different people, amazing places and ideas i never really knew. Then i ended up back here havin a bitter pitty party for one, sitting back in that house with the door wide open lacking the energy to get up and walk out and afraid to face the skeletons and demons lurking in my closets.
My biggest fear was failure and when i came home it was like instead of being proud that i survived that fear, instead of remembering that i made it thru the harder parts of my big adventure and that i truly lost my job over my most minor of infractions,It was just business, nothing personal but its like i became afraid of everything.
I've always been the person who thinks too much, wondering about things i can't control but in my time out in the world i'd been growing and learning not to try to predict and figure out all the possible variables. I was rolling with things instead of watching and waiting for that perfect moment. There was no perfect moment and in the past few months i'd forgotten that and am only lately remembering that i know that.
Coming home meant facing myself and looking for the reason i keep wanting to run and what the hell i'm running to. It meant learning how to accept myself, even appreciate myself. It's not easy for me to ask for help, to remember that i'm not alone and being here is teaching me to ask, that its ok and being independant is not being alone. Finding out why i've chosen to pursue extremely unhealthy relationships with people who somewhere in me, i know are not good. I spent years trying to find comfort in the color of my own skin and when i finally found that i feel like my relationships and sexuality were under that screaming to be understood.
I've avoided meaningful, emotional relationships with men for the most part. Meaningless one night stands i'm great at, destructive, confusion based relationships that aren't relationships, i've got gold stars gallore but none of it makes me happy for more than that moment. I've never actually been with a woman, I've kissed and dated Butches here and there but never really been with anyone. The thing is i've lived off of some of those kisses. A simple second of eye contact with these few souls i've been fortunate enough to meet along the way, i'm smiling now just thinking about it. It's difficult for me to say i'm gay based on something like a kiss after years of being with men.I like people, i like souls, i like sex, i like learning and loving and i feel alive thinking of this specific type of beautiful soul with this happy medium between the sexes. I have no idea where that leaves me though and that frightens me.
The struggle i guess has been finding the balance between the things i learned out there in the world and putting it to use in my efforts to face the things i've run from, so that next time i leave coming back won't feel so much like being re-caged but more refreshing and calm like coming home should be. I hope some of this makes sense to you because it barely makes sense to me yet but i feel like atleast now im moving instead of sitting by the door. I'm cleaning the house and airing it out instead of just hiding and running. God i hope this makes some sense because i feel nuts.