And i hate you for what i am right now
The last two weeks have been probably the shittiest two weeks in three years for me. Lastnight i broke completely. I've heard about how crazy i am and how fucked up i am and how stupid i am and what a bitch i am and all the other shit people have to say be it people that were around lastnight or others who don't even have anything to do with that hell hole i've called home for the last year. My behavior, attitude and actions was terrible and i do regret that i couldn't just let it go and fuckin keep my mouth shut and my behaviour under control. I threw a tantrum like a five year old and for that i am sorry. The reasons behind it i am not sorry for.
I've let the people i live with, my "friends" walk all over me and make me their bitch for the better part of a year. I've cleaned up messes of all sorts made by Mr. Nobody, walked behind turning tv's and lights off behind stoned and drunk people too lazy too walk the two feet out of their way to do it themselves. I've shoveled a fucking beach off of a porch, cleaned out my fair share of disgusting beer cans, Made sure the rent was paid and electricity not shut off. Given rides when asked given my car when asked despite the lack of gas put back in it, despite that maybe i just didn't want to let you people use MY car I said yes because i didn't want the attitude about not letting this one do what that one did or not wanting that one to think i didn't let him use the car because of something other than my own SELFISH need for my own goddamned car. I've dealt with cops, and angry neighbors, taken the phone calls from the landlord about shit that needs to be done, Got the fucking garbage men to pick up our garbage , purchased the recycling bin that was used all of once so that we could do shit the right way. Rebagged nasty garbage, changed kitty litter, done dishes, finished people's laundry, patched walls,Borrowed a fucking vacuum cleaner and broom to fucking clean with just so you assholes could throw your pizza crusts on the floor the next goddamned day. And what did i do after i watched you leave yer beer botles and cans on the table and yer food all over the living room i walked behind you and i cleaned it up like some kind of maid. Stupid me couldn't handle the smell of fermenting whatever and moldy god knows what. Stupid me thought well no one else is gonna do it maybe if i do they'll take the goddamned hint.
A month ago when i flipped out and broke all the dirty dishes that you assholes watched pile up for fucking weeks. That should have been the hint to you pieces of shit that don't clean up after your piggy little selves that maybe i'd had enough. Just maybe i was done. But you didn't. I played mommy, taxi, maid and fucking household accountant for a goddamned year. All i asked for was a little help. I didn't ask for much, I didn't ask why you didn't fill up my gas tank or wash your dishes, or take the garbage out, Or put your garbage in the garbage. All i did was hope that maybe next time you'd realize that none of this, not any of it was done for you. Anything i did or let go or left alone or just cleaned up i did because it was easier to do it myself than to fight to get you to do it for yourselves. Those of you that fucked up somewhere in your fucked up heads you know you fucked up , you know there's alot of shit that you could have done to prevent my insanity. Blaming other people or asking why i'm mad at you for shit you didn't do well thats exactly it. Shit you didn't do. I've never claimed to be some saint and i'm not gonna say i never compared what someone else did to what i did but in the end i know none of it means shit if nothings getting done. You bitch about your security deposits and how fucked up i am. You've known me awhile now lets think about it Do you honestly think i'd keep your fucking money, i have enough problems with out fighting with people over fucking money.Some of you stood there and watched or sat around like assholes while i cleaned and patched and made arrangements to get shit done. Think about what you've said or done, think about your actions towards me and towards eachother. Not one of us is any better than the other we've all done fucked up shit since we lived together.
I acted like an asshole and i wasn't the only one. Still doesn't make it right on either end. I chose to vent here because i can be clear here and not so angry that i say things i don't mean and forget to mention the things i do. Anything i'm specifically disgusted by i left out and anyone who's got a problem with how i feel can either say it to me or fucking keep it to themselves.
I've let the people i live with, my "friends" walk all over me and make me their bitch for the better part of a year. I've cleaned up messes of all sorts made by Mr. Nobody, walked behind turning tv's and lights off behind stoned and drunk people too lazy too walk the two feet out of their way to do it themselves. I've shoveled a fucking beach off of a porch, cleaned out my fair share of disgusting beer cans, Made sure the rent was paid and electricity not shut off. Given rides when asked given my car when asked despite the lack of gas put back in it, despite that maybe i just didn't want to let you people use MY car I said yes because i didn't want the attitude about not letting this one do what that one did or not wanting that one to think i didn't let him use the car because of something other than my own SELFISH need for my own goddamned car. I've dealt with cops, and angry neighbors, taken the phone calls from the landlord about shit that needs to be done, Got the fucking garbage men to pick up our garbage , purchased the recycling bin that was used all of once so that we could do shit the right way. Rebagged nasty garbage, changed kitty litter, done dishes, finished people's laundry, patched walls,Borrowed a fucking vacuum cleaner and broom to fucking clean with just so you assholes could throw your pizza crusts on the floor the next goddamned day. And what did i do after i watched you leave yer beer botles and cans on the table and yer food all over the living room i walked behind you and i cleaned it up like some kind of maid. Stupid me couldn't handle the smell of fermenting whatever and moldy god knows what. Stupid me thought well no one else is gonna do it maybe if i do they'll take the goddamned hint.
A month ago when i flipped out and broke all the dirty dishes that you assholes watched pile up for fucking weeks. That should have been the hint to you pieces of shit that don't clean up after your piggy little selves that maybe i'd had enough. Just maybe i was done. But you didn't. I played mommy, taxi, maid and fucking household accountant for a goddamned year. All i asked for was a little help. I didn't ask for much, I didn't ask why you didn't fill up my gas tank or wash your dishes, or take the garbage out, Or put your garbage in the garbage. All i did was hope that maybe next time you'd realize that none of this, not any of it was done for you. Anything i did or let go or left alone or just cleaned up i did because it was easier to do it myself than to fight to get you to do it for yourselves. Those of you that fucked up somewhere in your fucked up heads you know you fucked up , you know there's alot of shit that you could have done to prevent my insanity. Blaming other people or asking why i'm mad at you for shit you didn't do well thats exactly it. Shit you didn't do. I've never claimed to be some saint and i'm not gonna say i never compared what someone else did to what i did but in the end i know none of it means shit if nothings getting done. You bitch about your security deposits and how fucked up i am. You've known me awhile now lets think about it Do you honestly think i'd keep your fucking money, i have enough problems with out fighting with people over fucking money.Some of you stood there and watched or sat around like assholes while i cleaned and patched and made arrangements to get shit done. Think about what you've said or done, think about your actions towards me and towards eachother. Not one of us is any better than the other we've all done fucked up shit since we lived together.
I acted like an asshole and i wasn't the only one. Still doesn't make it right on either end. I chose to vent here because i can be clear here and not so angry that i say things i don't mean and forget to mention the things i do. Anything i'm specifically disgusted by i left out and anyone who's got a problem with how i feel can either say it to me or fucking keep it to themselves.