Contradictions.
I'm a world of contradictions.
Anxiety and apathy.
Depression and hyperactivity.
Reality and fantasy.
I feel so much I'm bursting, so little I'm stolid.
I'm broken. I'm overworked.
I'm a perfectionist. I'm lazy.
I'm ocd. I'm unorganized.
I'm burning. I'm frozen solid.
I am to my core all of these things when it is impossible to be each and every one. Yet I would put my hand down on any Bible and swear that was the truth and the whole truth. But it isn't. I'm about to go through another depressive episode. I felt the aggravation and irritability wash over me this afternoon like dirty water. Then the inability to make a decision. Now it's the inability to do anything I really want to do.
Raise your glass kid because here is to two weeks of hell and pessimism. I should have expected it with the nightmares. I have these disgusting and horrifying nightmares and for some reason I don't just observe and feel fear. I feel it in all five sense. I might as well be living the nightmare because it more or less takes shape around me and gives me a sense of stress I can't shake for however long the dreams continue.
If medicine didn't make me feel so blank it would be a godsend. I can't even have conversations. When these happen I just can't function.
I don't want to whine. It could really be a million times worse and it isn't all that terrible. Just everything gets complicated and uncomfortable and I feel an incredible disconnect that can be quite the hindrance.