Get out of my fucking dreams. Seriously.
I just realized while laying in bed that I have lost my sense of identity. I was just lamenting the same things I always do, being alone and such, and was contemplating how I could change that scenario...but the truth is I have lost my ability to communicate about "human" things. I don't talk about anything other than work or pop culture, ex games and television and such. I had to think really hard a minute ago of who I am...and to tell the truth I am not sure if I really know. I don't know what I feel, I feel alone, but I feel like I don't want to be with someone, but then part of me does...it all confuses the hell out of me. I went back to thinking about my last serious relationship. I only remember goofy things, things that really do matter but at the same time do not. I think a lot about sex, perhaps more than I used to, but at the same time I don't want to persue the avenues to get it, but at the same time I do. Argh, I miss my youth, these things were so much easier to comprehend/take care of.
I am supposed to be sleeping now, I have a long day of work tomorrow, but something is keeping me up. All of these damn memories....I wish I could just fdisk them. I dream about memories, and then reality becomes confused and distorted. If I was to type dir my mind now, it would look like this:
04/01/04 1:40 am insomnia.exe
03/31/04 3:30 pm firingASM.doc
03/29/04 9:00 pm learningMAYA.mpg
02/28/04 11:50 pm lasttimeihavedrankinexcess.doc
10/09/03 10:31 pm quitdoingdrugsotherthanbooze.m3u
12/25/02 6:15 pm evadingsuicide.lnk
10/31/02 9:30 pm lostforever.txt
04/30/02 11:20 pm trulylasttimeilosttheone.avi
04/15/02 12:15 am last time I had intimate contact with someone.txt
09/09/01 8:40 pm feelingeuphoricfromreunitingwithloveofmylife.mpg
05/12/01 9:59 pm losingtheloveofmylife.ogg
----more----
9 files, 555,422,884,156 bytes
0 bytes free
I really want to get high right now. I miss that wave of euphoria that rises and falls with each breath, even if it is all artificial. The pins and needles prickly feeling that each sound sends racing up my spine like the information superhighway on hyperspeed.
I am supposed to be sleeping now, I have a long day of work tomorrow, but something is keeping me up. All of these damn memories....I wish I could just fdisk them. I dream about memories, and then reality becomes confused and distorted. If I was to type dir my mind now, it would look like this:
04/01/04 1:40 am insomnia.exe
03/31/04 3:30 pm firingASM.doc
03/29/04 9:00 pm learningMAYA.mpg
02/28/04 11:50 pm lasttimeihavedrankinexcess.doc
10/09/03 10:31 pm quitdoingdrugsotherthanbooze.m3u
12/25/02 6:15 pm evadingsuicide.lnk
10/31/02 9:30 pm lostforever.txt
04/30/02 11:20 pm trulylasttimeilosttheone.avi
04/15/02 12:15 am last time I had intimate contact with someone.txt
09/09/01 8:40 pm feelingeuphoricfromreunitingwithloveofmylife.mpg
05/12/01 9:59 pm losingtheloveofmylife.ogg
----more----
9 files, 555,422,884,156 bytes
0 bytes free
I really want to get high right now. I miss that wave of euphoria that rises and falls with each breath, even if it is all artificial. The pins and needles prickly feeling that each sound sends racing up my spine like the information superhighway on hyperspeed.