(no subject)
Recently i talked to an old friend from high school. we talked about high school and how we thought for the very second we walked through those doors and into that hall we came as close to hell as we possibly could. we talked about the realness of our lives and how funny it is that although so much is different now, so much is still the same. i remember talking about how excited i was to get out of this place. ..to get away from the gossip and drama and rumors and immature people. But I’ve come to learn, it's everywhere you go. and you can't escape it. These years of growing up are as close to hell as we’ll truly ever get. the flames are out of control. Though, some of us are just numb to the burning. it melts away our innocence and youth. plastic smiles held open with nails. so tragically appealing. i think ive realized this sooner than i thought. i cant say im proud of the past. i cant say im proud of my present. i just know that every day and every second that passes i become more real. my life has steadily become more meaningful as I’ve learned what's important.
The truth is I could care less about waving to fake people just to be nice anymore. even though i know the second i walk away without acknowledgment i will get a whisper. i don’t give a damn. i am proud to say that. the truth is that we have all become so easily read. each move is predicted and more typical than the first. I look back to my old friendships and relationships. I once found a boy who changed my life. Youth was lost. i guess it brought me into the reality of high school. What a shame. It was a solid fight. it was a joke. let me rephrase that...no, never mind it was a joke. a complete mess. a mistake. filled with pointless fights and endless tears. if i had a penny for every time that boy made me cry or pissed me off...well you know the rest. i feel like i was blacked out for a lot of it. it was a flash and a blur after that. i dont know if i could ever put a name on it. i think i was always second best. and by second i mean last. there was only one, and i wasnt it. i realized i have no tolerance for arrogant and selfish people.
i had to stop and think about this one.....I met a boy two years ago. it makes my fingertips numb and tears to my eyes. i couldnt tell you why. i have no idea. hearts weren’t meant to be that happy i guess. my mind ran away from me and pulled my lips into an answer. this boy made me love poetry in all its forms. It seemed so perfect, but i think that i turn away from perfection. i dont believe in it. cruelty lies beneath it just waiting to break my stare and send me crashing to the ground.
this life is too heavy for my shoulders. i have no time for love, as it had no time for me. .big music dreams drown reality for me. im blinded by these dreams that will most likey corrupt me more than he and everyone and everything else already has. i live in memories and dreams. and i make up ones that will probably never happen.
ive come to hate the west coast, jealously, secrets, and everything that goes along for the ride. i hope they keep you happy. i hope its better than anything i ever gave to you. i hope it lasts unlike me. but please dont, not even for a second, act like i meant nothing. and don't think you meant nothing to me. never forget. despite being a walking disaster i smile with good intentions.before you turn away from me, know me first. im not as bad as i look. i made mistakes but i was in my worst frame of mind. even though at times cynisism and a scowl are my two best friends, im not entirely hopeless. im a complex being with nothing to say out loud. all of my thoughts get trapped in restless sleep and between my head and my fingertips.
I try to keep my thoughts within me because I don't know what to do with them. then my actions and words get taken the wrong way. im ill preceived and ill recieved. but hey, thats me. i guess i rather sit back and watch the world and listen sometimes. yet ive always hated wasted thoughts, wasted potential, and wasted life. i think back to that same memory. that time when I made rash decisions. that place in time when I thought things were perfect. i could drive that road for the rest of time. tired eyes held open by music. thats when life is perfect. that moment defines me. and im afraid it always will.
Airplanes used to make me want to cry. Now i just look the other way. I don’t miss him anymore. I can’t. You know when all rationality screams at you to the point where you could give it all up? all i can say is im sorry, and that i hope I mean it. I wish you weren't who you are sometimes. I know that sounds terrible. but fame is deadly. its disgustingly glamorous. and i dont know whether i hate it, love it, or dont even care. would these problems still exist? a question that rings in my ears and decays my hopes. but you are who you are. and i am who i am. i dont know if it was who i was meant to be. i may never know.
"I knew the big city lights were too heavy for me.
don't pretend you'll ever forget about me."
-K
The truth is I could care less about waving to fake people just to be nice anymore. even though i know the second i walk away without acknowledgment i will get a whisper. i don’t give a damn. i am proud to say that. the truth is that we have all become so easily read. each move is predicted and more typical than the first. I look back to my old friendships and relationships. I once found a boy who changed my life. Youth was lost. i guess it brought me into the reality of high school. What a shame. It was a solid fight. it was a joke. let me rephrase that...no, never mind it was a joke. a complete mess. a mistake. filled with pointless fights and endless tears. if i had a penny for every time that boy made me cry or pissed me off...well you know the rest. i feel like i was blacked out for a lot of it. it was a flash and a blur after that. i dont know if i could ever put a name on it. i think i was always second best. and by second i mean last. there was only one, and i wasnt it. i realized i have no tolerance for arrogant and selfish people.
i had to stop and think about this one.....I met a boy two years ago. it makes my fingertips numb and tears to my eyes. i couldnt tell you why. i have no idea. hearts weren’t meant to be that happy i guess. my mind ran away from me and pulled my lips into an answer. this boy made me love poetry in all its forms. It seemed so perfect, but i think that i turn away from perfection. i dont believe in it. cruelty lies beneath it just waiting to break my stare and send me crashing to the ground.
this life is too heavy for my shoulders. i have no time for love, as it had no time for me. .big music dreams drown reality for me. im blinded by these dreams that will most likey corrupt me more than he and everyone and everything else already has. i live in memories and dreams. and i make up ones that will probably never happen.
ive come to hate the west coast, jealously, secrets, and everything that goes along for the ride. i hope they keep you happy. i hope its better than anything i ever gave to you. i hope it lasts unlike me. but please dont, not even for a second, act like i meant nothing. and don't think you meant nothing to me. never forget. despite being a walking disaster i smile with good intentions.before you turn away from me, know me first. im not as bad as i look. i made mistakes but i was in my worst frame of mind. even though at times cynisism and a scowl are my two best friends, im not entirely hopeless. im a complex being with nothing to say out loud. all of my thoughts get trapped in restless sleep and between my head and my fingertips.
I try to keep my thoughts within me because I don't know what to do with them. then my actions and words get taken the wrong way. im ill preceived and ill recieved. but hey, thats me. i guess i rather sit back and watch the world and listen sometimes. yet ive always hated wasted thoughts, wasted potential, and wasted life. i think back to that same memory. that time when I made rash decisions. that place in time when I thought things were perfect. i could drive that road for the rest of time. tired eyes held open by music. thats when life is perfect. that moment defines me. and im afraid it always will.
Airplanes used to make me want to cry. Now i just look the other way. I don’t miss him anymore. I can’t. You know when all rationality screams at you to the point where you could give it all up? all i can say is im sorry, and that i hope I mean it. I wish you weren't who you are sometimes. I know that sounds terrible. but fame is deadly. its disgustingly glamorous. and i dont know whether i hate it, love it, or dont even care. would these problems still exist? a question that rings in my ears and decays my hopes. but you are who you are. and i am who i am. i dont know if it was who i was meant to be. i may never know.
"I knew the big city lights were too heavy for me.
don't pretend you'll ever forget about me."
-K