RP: In which cake really, REALLY cannot save him.
Date: November 28, 1976
Characters: Regulus Black/Bartholomew Avery
Status: Private
Summary: Regulus Black has certainly seen happier days. Happier days when the Regugroin did not bring SCORN.
Status: Incomplete
( So WHAT if Regulus lacked womanly bits?! )
Characters: Regulus Black/Bartholomew Avery
Status: Private
Summary: Regulus Black has certainly seen happier days. Happier days when the Regugroin did not bring SCORN.
Status: Incomplete
( So WHAT if Regulus lacked womanly bits?! )
Did he just.. MAKE A FACE?! AT REGULUS?! REGULUS DID NOT LIKE FACES BEING MADE AT HIM. REGULUS HATED FACE-MAKING.
"DON'T EVEN PULL THAT! THE FACE AND THE COMMENTS AND THE STUPID! OH MY GOD. YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY STUPID, AREN'T YOU? I mean surely you have a GREAT BIG SHIP TO SAIL, DON'T YOU?"
Oh yes, he WAS going in that direction.
"Oh? What's this? THIS IS THE SOUND OF ME NOT CARING. I don't CARE if you think you live here. You're a momentous sort of PIRATE, you ARE. I've never seen anything more PIRATE-LIKE THAN YOU. YOU SHOULD LEAVE NOW. GO GET A PIRATE. SAIL ON YOUR SHIP. WALK THE PLANK. SWAB THE POOP DECK OR WHATEVERTHEHELL. GO PLAY WITH YOUR MASTS AND YOUR SAILS AND YOUR PIRATEY EYEPATCH AND YOUR PIRATEY.. PIRATEY SELF. BECAUSE YOU ARE A PIRATE," Regulus forced himself to laugh. He wasn't really AMUSED. He was ANGRY. But he should seem amused if he was going to at least talk about Avery being SUCH A PIRATE.
A really horrid sort of pirate, the kind that LEAVES RUDELY when Regulus really doesn't want him to leave IS ANGRY.
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"SHUT UP, YOU STUPID HOE FACE. I DO LIVE HERE. AND I'M NOT A PIRATE GOD DAMMIT, AND ITS YOU WHO IS AN IMMENSLY LARGE FLOWERY POOFTER WHO WAS SNOGGING WILL NOTT AND YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING WHORE," Avery yelled. He wasn't JEALOUS. HE WAS CONCERNED. CONCERNED.
STUPID PIRATES, STUPID POTTER SPAWN, STUPID NUNS, STUPID SIBERIA, STUPID STUPID STUIPID STUPID. STUPID WILL NOTT, THAT LITTLE FUCKER. THE HELL WAS W-
AVERY WAS NOT JEALOUS.
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YELL YELL YELL.
Regulus could not, quite frankly, give a damn.
Avery was a giant yelling pirate, a GREAT BIG GIANT YELLING PIRATE MAN WHO WASN'T EVEN WORTH LISTENING TO.
OR taking seriously.
"Fine, sure. You're REALLY not a PIRATE, like I believe that. And I'm all those TERRIBLE things and I'm SO INCREDIBLY WOUNDED. I mean look at me. WEEPING. How about you save it because I really, honestly DO NO CA- "
Regulus stopped.
There was NO WAY. NO WAY that Avery could KNOW. Yet he just SAID IT and HE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT KNOWING ANY OF IT. And it sort of hurt.
"YOU!" Regulus abandoned all hope of controlling his temper which had been quite active lately, "YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT SAYING THAT OR KNOWING ABOUT IT OR ANYTHING. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYWAYS. I COVERED THE STUPID BIT, DIDN'T I?! YOU DO NOT KNOW A THING ABOUT ME, OR ABOUT WILL, OR .. OR WHAT HAPPENED. EVEN THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED AND I AM NOT A WHORE AND I AM NOT A POOFTER EITHER BECAUSE ACTUALLY, I'M A GIRL. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. BECAUSE YOU'RE MEAN AND I DON'T LIKE YOU AND ..AND.." Regulus grabbed his wand and gave Avery a threatening sort of glare, "AND I WILL HEX YOU IF YOU REPEAT ANY OF WHAT YOU SAW TO ANYONE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
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He had paperwork and everything. A little shiny pin that certified him insane.
In the span of five seconds, much of Avery's intended life path was changed. For one, Avery liked to make lists. So, in this extreme state of chaos, Avery made a list in his mind.
One; Avery threw Regulus' wand on the bed behind him with a fair amount of force.
Two; Avery growled. Loudly and menacingly and also very half-insanely.
And three, what truly makes him insane;
Avery grabbed Regulus with an insane amount of force and crashed his lips to his.
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NOT GOOD.
NO WAND. REALLY BIG PIRATEY MAN. ANGRY PIRATEY MAN. NO WAND. OH SHIT. REGULUS DOOMED.
DOOMED.
Regulus whimpered and shut his eyes, waiting for DEATH. BECAUSE HE WAS DOOMED AND OH GOD HIS MOTHER WOULD BE INCREDIBLY ANGRY IF HE DIED. DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T MAKE HEIRS. I mean at least if he was alive, he could still make...buttbabies?! SURELY THEY EXIST?! FOR HEIRS OF CURRENT HEIRS THAT HAPPEN TO BE VERY, VERY GAY?!
There was no death. Regulus was wondering what was taking death so long. At least if he had to die by some sort of piratey means, make it quick and painless.
OH MY GOD AVERY WAS GOING TO MAKE HIM WALK THE PLANK!!
Regulus flailed with angst and then Avery GRABBED HIM and this had to be where the blindfolds or whatever would come in for this TERRIBLE PIRATEY PLANK-WALKING BUSINESS OF SHARKS AND DEATH AND STUPID OCEANS even though his EYES WERE SHUT ANYWAYS SO WHY A BLINDFOLD? WHY?
WHAT WAS AVERY DOING?! HAD HE LOST HIS MIND ENTIRELY!?
Regulus was POSITIVE he just squeaked but it wasn't his FAULT. AVERY WAS KISSING HIM AND IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE AND REGULUS DID NOT MEAN TO KISS HIM BACK, IT JUST SORT OF.. happened?
BUT WHY!?
Avery lost his mind. Right.
BUT WHY WAS REGULUS GETTING HIS HOPES UP THAT IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE?!
Maybe because Avery was trying to prove that Regulus was a poofter so he could TELL everyone. Or .. or a reference to what happened with WILL? BUT WHO MAKES REFERENCES LIKE THIS?! (...PIRATES?)
Regulus opened an eye and used it to peek at Avery, because REALLY. What the BLOODY HELL was going on?!
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HE WAS KISSING REGULUS BLACK AND HE LIKED IT.
AVERY WAS OBVIOUSLY A PIRATE OF THE WORST DEGREE AND HE JUST KEPT KISSING REGULUS BECAUSE WHAT ELSE TO DO? There was nothing else. Also because air meant words and words meant confrontation, and he wondered idly if Regulus knew he was 4 inches off of the ground or not.
It wasn't the shit that romance novel were made of and it wasn't fucking POOFTER LOVE.
This was...
alksdnf.
This was THIS, GOD DAMMIT. AND HE WASN'T MAKING EXCUSES TO YOU
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He TRIED.
But it came out more like "Hrmphrrrpmfprhrprrmrph!??!?!?!" than anything remotely resembling what he had intended to ask.
AGAIN. NOT HIS FAULT.
THIS REALLY WAS NOT REGULUS'S FAULT AT ALL. It was ALL on Avery's head.
But hm. Regulus pondered something.
Avery really HATED it when Regulus did certain things. HE POSITIVELY LOATHED IT, DIDN'T HE?
So Regulus, obviously filled with all kinds of spite and evil intentions and certainly NOTHING ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS ANGRY AND NOTHING ELSE, not-so-subtly stuck a hand right down Avery's pants.
Regulus couldn't even pronounce Avery's first name so really, a hand down the pants was surely a thing of SPITE AND ANGER AND OH HE WAS GETTING EVEN WITH HIM FOR THIS KISSING BUSINESS and making the Regugroin SPRING TO LIFE.
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He started it. It wasn't even something he could blame on Regulus because he practically JUMPED him anyway. HE WAS STILL ANGRY. REALLY. KIND OF. ANGRY. YEAH.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME?" Avery yelled, clutching at his hair and turning on his heel, pacing towards a wall before turning around again. This was FRUSTRATING, GOD DAMMIT. HE DIDN'T LIKE BEING FRUSTRATED, NO HE DIDN'T AND HE DIDN'T DO THIS ON PURPOSE OKAY, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T.
"YOU'VE...YOU'VE HEXED ME OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I'VE CLEARLY LOST MY MIND AND I DON'T LOSE MY MIND!"
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BUT THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING AND IF ANYONE DID ANY HEXING IT WAS AVERY, NOT REGULUS. AVERY AVERY AVERY.
"I'M NOT DOING A THING TO YOU!" Regulus angrily retrieved his hand from the Averypants, so Avery couldn't say he was LYING.
WHY WOULD HE PUT HIS HAND DOWN THERE ANYWAYS? DID HE SERIOUSLY WANT THE PIRATEY BITS TO PLUNDER HIM?!
Regulus screamed. He did not know why but he screamed and he was AFRAID and he had NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HE WAS NEVER THIS ANGRY. IT WAS SCARY, BEING THIS ANGRY.
And Regulus didn't feel as if he really had much CONTROL over what he was SAYING OR DOING AND THIS WAS NOT GOOD.
"YOU'RE RIDICULOUS! I DON'T.. I CAN'T BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW RIDICULOUS YOU ARE. YOU TOOK MY WAND, YOU EVIL WAND-STEALING PIRATE! YOU TOO MY WAND SO PLEASE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR HOW EXACTLY I HEXED YOU WITHOUT A WAND. UNLESS OH RIGHT. I'M A WHORE. I REMEMBER NOW. I'M A WHORE AND SOME SORT OF MUGGLE GARDENING TOOL AND MAYBE THAT'S IT. YOU LOST YOUR MIND BECAUSE I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE WHORE AND THAT'S WHY YOU LEFT THE OTHER DAY, ISN'T IT? AND BEFORE THEN TOO. IS THAT WHY YOU KISSED ME? WERE YOU TRYING TO SEE IF I'D ASK YOU TO PAY OR SEEING JUST HOW MUCH YOU COULD GET OUT OF ME SINCE YOU HATE ME AND THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE AMUSING?! IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? OH HEY. EVERYONE ALL FUCK WITH REGULUS'S HEAD. WHY NOT?! HE WON'T MIND. HAHAHAHAHA HOW POSITIVELY FUNNY. I'M IN HYSTERICS. CAN'T YOU TELL?"
Regulus was far from laughing. He was angry, obviously, but other things too and NO. He was NOT going to be ANYTHING ASIDE FROM ANGRY. IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. NOTHING MADE SENSE. Regulus was also slightly fidgety and playing with his hat and NO.
ANGER. NOTHING ELSE. ANGER.
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AND HOLY FUCK REGULUS' HAND WAS DOWN HIS PANTS BEFORE AND HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT WHICH WAS ONLY A TESTIMONIAL TO HIS INSANITY.
All Avery saw was BLIND ANGER, and a DRESS WHAT THE HELL.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING, YOU AREN'T A GIRL FOR FUCK'S SAKE. YOU ACT ENOUGH LIKE ONE, BUT YOU AREN'T A GIRL."
Avery was SO CONFUSED. He was something beyond confused. Something more like flabbergasted and then suddenly GUILTY, and then ANGRY, AND HE WAS LIKE A GIRL ON HER FUCKING PMS OR WHATEVER THE HELL WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS SHIT.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT A WHORE, FUCK REGULUS. AND I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S THE ONLY PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATION BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, OKAY? YOU ARE A BOY, AND THAT ISN'T RIGHT. DON'T TALK LIKE THAT. SHUT UP. SHUT UP."
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Regulus had no idea what he even said. It sounded sort of stupid in retrospect and HE WAS NOT THE ONE BEING STUPID HERE. IT WAS AVERY.
"YOU'RE BEING SO STUPID!" Regulus shouted (as if he was doing much else?) and was tempted to hide in his bed but that might make Avery LEAVE since he LIKES BEING STUPID.
"AND WHAT BUSINESS IS IT YOURS, WHAT I'M WEARING?! FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I HAPPEN TO BE A GIRL. THERE. DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? WILL LEFT BECAUSE I'M NOT A GIRL. AND YOU TOO. AND MAYBE WILL WOULD'VE LIKED ME BETTER IF I WAS A GIRL A FEW DAYS AGO. BUT I DIDN'T FIGURE THAT OUT UNTIL NOW SO NOW I'M A GIRL AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYMORE."
Regulus did NOT mean to say that bit out loud. NOT AT ALL. He was really upset about it and why would he SHARE that?
And why was he so tempted to say something ELSE? This wasn't entirely anger. This was anger and spite and.. Regulus wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish but he wanted to do SOMETHING so he said the first thing he could think of saying.
"Speaking of Will, have you seen him? Maybe now that I'm a girl he'll want to kiss me again."
Regulus smirked, although briefly.
AVERY WAS RATHER PISSING HIM OFF AGAIN.
"IF I'M NOT A WHORE, WHY DID YOU CALL ME ONE?! AND FUCK ME WHERE?! WHO IS FUCKING REGULUS?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT NOW?! I THINK THE ONLY THING THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE IS YOU. AND I WILL TALK HOWEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE AND I WILL NEVER SHUT UP AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME FROM TALKING BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SAID NEARLY AS MUCH AS I SHOULD BUT YOU. YOU INFURIATE ME. IS THIS A PIRATE THING? I THINK IT IS. I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH HOW MUCH OF A HORRID PIRATE YOU ARE BUT YOU'VE MADE ME LOSE MY MIND BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND IF YOU KI- ... "
Regulus screamed and covered his mouth. WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT?!
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Avery didn't know what- he didn't know what that MEANT. He didn't LIKE the thought of Regulus kissing Will Nott because Will Nott was a prissy wanker who wanted Regulus to CHANGE but Regulus SHOULDN'T have to change for ANYONE because-
NO. LSKDNFLKANFLKJANDFKLJDNSAKLJASDNFLAKJSDFN.
This was STUPID. STUUUUUUUUPID. Regulus was STUPID. STUUUUUUUUUPID. And so what if Avery liked him more as a boy? SO WHAT? HE SHOULD! AVERY DIDN'T REALLY LIKE GIRLS ANYWAY!
NO WAIT. He DID like girls. You see. HE DID! HE REALLY DID. SERIOUSLY.
Just not like that.
And then Avery realized that he was defeated by his own mind.
And he also realized that he lost all control of his mind and his mind in general a long time ago.
"You wouldn't mind if WHAT?"
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Regulus pouted and was then preparing himself for all kinds of remarks about how Regulus is a whore for kissing Will which was ENTIRELY a lie because Regulus was never PAID for ANYTHING. He didn't want to be but.. oh right. He did get payment for everything.
PAYMENT IN THE FORM OF EVERYONE LEAVING THEN PROBABLY RIDICULING HIM WHERE HE CAN'T HEAR IT.
But Avery didn't say ANY of that. In fact, he was now attempting to TELL REGULUS WHAT TO DO.
"YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO AUTHORITY OVER WHAT I DO AND WHO I DO IT WITH!" Regulus had a terrible sort of headache and he wondered if he could possibly just remove his head and put it somewhere else that he didn't have to deal with it anymore, "SO I CAN KISS WILL IF I WANT TO. HE DOESN'T WANT TO OTHERWISE I WOULD. AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU EVEN CARE!? GO BACK TO LOOKING FOR BURIED TREASURE. HONESTLY!"
Regulus didn't much care for discussing Will right now anyways.
CAKE. CAKE CAKE CAKE.
Regulus opened up a nearby cake box -- he always had cake and he made sure it was always readily accessible -- and helped himself to some cake. He sat on the edge of his bed and looked up at Avery defiantly.
"SEE?! I EVEN EAT CAKE WITHOUT YOUR DAMN APPROVAL! AND ..AND.. AND I SAID I WOULDN'T MIND IF YOU KISSED ME AGAIN. SO THERE."
Regulus only said THAT because he was angry. It seemed the sort of thing that'd really piss Avery off. Because Avery didn't believe him to be a girl after all, and since he thought of Regulus as a boy, the thought of kissing him HAD to be a VERY ANGRY THING INDEED.
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It was kind of a surreal experience, everything that happened after Regulus got out the cake- WHAT THE HELL?- and started TALKING with cake smeared all over his mouth like a little kid who didn't get his way and he was still YELLING.
And with that, his poor, little shred of withering heterosexuality died, and with THAT, he finally listened to Regulus.
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But Regulus hadn't ever seen Avery sabotaging any of Will's quidditch gear or the golden snitch or anything of the sort. And Regulus figured Avery WOULD if it was some long-standing thing against Will Nott, since Avery didn't seem the sort to really CARE if Slytherin won at Quidditch anyways.
Do pirates even LIKE Quidditch!?
WHY WAS HE THINKING ABOUT QUIDDITCH!?
Not like quidditch was horrifying filled with the potential for ALL sorts of innuendo. Not that anything had anything remotely anything-like to do with innuendo.
AND CAKE. CAKE WAS ALWAYS GOOD. Regulus grabbed another handful of cake because HE COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE SAID TO AVERY and NOTHING would help him cope with that aside from CAKE. WONDROUS CAKE.
Cake that he wasn't capable of eating because it seemed as if he was now occupied in ways that wouldn't allow for the eating of cake.
Regulus was.. HE DIDN'T THINK AVERY WOULD TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY.
Regulus flailed to keep his balance, which was failing him because of AVERY (HE JUST KEEPS DOING THINGS, DOESN'T HE?) AND NO. REGULUS HAD TO PRESERVE HIS CAKE. SAVE IT FOR LATER.
There were no proper thoughts. This was very distracting and Regulus had to remember to tell Avery it was ALL HIS FAULT that Regulus was ENJOYING this but the cake had to be taken care of so he put it in the only place that occurred to him. Something that would remain as a sort of tradition, one that LEGENDS WERE MADE OF.
Regulus decided that his cake would best be kept IN AVERY'S PANTS.
Pants had to be useful for something, right? AND IT MIGHT AS WELL BE FOR CAKE.
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Avery was rather occupied and his brain was still rather DEAD, so it wasn't until something SO VERY SQUISHY AND CAKE-LIKE INDEED CAME INTO CONTACT WITH HIS PANTS did he pay any attention to anything. "The hell is that?" Avery said against Regulus' mouth, trying to be coherent and register things IN HIS PANTS that weren't SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.
Avery jumped away again. He did a lot of that. And without thinking, he opened the zipper on his pants to SEE what the fuck was in there- AND NOT LIKE THAT OKAY- only to find CAKE. Not unlike the cake that was now transferred to HIS mouth from- he didn't want to think about that.
"You put cake in my pants."
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