(no subject)
In Regina Hall, downstairs by the Acting studio there is an open hallway. Through a set of miserable double doors, one can access the elevator and to the dorm rooms.
Out Acting class was canceled today. Proff. Abram is ill. And as I walked towards those double doors, I could hear someone walking behind me. I could hear it. I turned around. No one is there. Several times down this expansive passage I stop. Turn. And look. And nothing is there.
I go through the double doors to the elevator-due to an upset stomach, I opt not to take the stairs today-and, as it opens, I feel an immense sense of dread flood through me. It’s dark, next to the stark whiteness of the corridor and when I swallow my irrational fear and step inside, I can feel the walls close around me. The elevator door is like a guillotine. It shuts with a shudder; I can picture it crushing my shoulder blades to shards. Curious, I have never been one for irrational fears…though every once in a while, it does happen.
I have, for example, an irrational fear of being the center of attention. I would normally call this nerves…getting up in front of others or in any way being in the spotlight causes clammy hands, shortened breathing, panic/anxiety attacks and turns all my muscles to jelly. Nerves. This is normal. Everyone has them.
But other irrational fears do not come on me often. And when the elevator closed and started to shudder it’s way to the third floor I couldn’t help but be soaked with irrational fear. The enclosed space bringing on a heightened sense of claustrophobia that only hits on rare occasions.
When the first floor passed and said ting I, almost involuntarily, moved to the right side of the elevator, further into the darkness (the elevator is dimly lit) and out of the path of the terrible crushing door. In case anyone entered. My irrational fear of interacting with people and the sudden claustrophobia closing in on me like a suffocating blanket and a machine gun.
I realized I was clutching the railings. I swallowed, my mouth completely dry. And then it hit the third floor. I rushed to stand in front of the door, willing it to open. And when it finally did, I thought of the guillotine again, crushing right through my throat. I jumped out of the elevator and did not look back. I touched a wall to reacquaint myself with reality.
I realized that I was trembling.
Nonplussed by this, I continued down the hall to The Room. Again, I could hear things behind me…whispers and then a rumble, like a thunderstorm some distance away. I look. Nothing is there. I walk faster and faster, calm to open the door and duck inside.
I sit down at the computer and take deep breaths. I cannot seem to steady myself. I’m still trembling, I still feel The Fear.
I don’t know what’s causing it and I can’t make it stop. I feel nauseous and exhausted.
Out Acting class was canceled today. Proff. Abram is ill. And as I walked towards those double doors, I could hear someone walking behind me. I could hear it. I turned around. No one is there. Several times down this expansive passage I stop. Turn. And look. And nothing is there.
I go through the double doors to the elevator-due to an upset stomach, I opt not to take the stairs today-and, as it opens, I feel an immense sense of dread flood through me. It’s dark, next to the stark whiteness of the corridor and when I swallow my irrational fear and step inside, I can feel the walls close around me. The elevator door is like a guillotine. It shuts with a shudder; I can picture it crushing my shoulder blades to shards. Curious, I have never been one for irrational fears…though every once in a while, it does happen.
I have, for example, an irrational fear of being the center of attention. I would normally call this nerves…getting up in front of others or in any way being in the spotlight causes clammy hands, shortened breathing, panic/anxiety attacks and turns all my muscles to jelly. Nerves. This is normal. Everyone has them.
But other irrational fears do not come on me often. And when the elevator closed and started to shudder it’s way to the third floor I couldn’t help but be soaked with irrational fear. The enclosed space bringing on a heightened sense of claustrophobia that only hits on rare occasions.
When the first floor passed and said ting I, almost involuntarily, moved to the right side of the elevator, further into the darkness (the elevator is dimly lit) and out of the path of the terrible crushing door. In case anyone entered. My irrational fear of interacting with people and the sudden claustrophobia closing in on me like a suffocating blanket and a machine gun.
I realized I was clutching the railings. I swallowed, my mouth completely dry. And then it hit the third floor. I rushed to stand in front of the door, willing it to open. And when it finally did, I thought of the guillotine again, crushing right through my throat. I jumped out of the elevator and did not look back. I touched a wall to reacquaint myself with reality.
I realized that I was trembling.
Nonplussed by this, I continued down the hall to The Room. Again, I could hear things behind me…whispers and then a rumble, like a thunderstorm some distance away. I look. Nothing is there. I walk faster and faster, calm to open the door and duck inside.
I sit down at the computer and take deep breaths. I cannot seem to steady myself. I’m still trembling, I still feel The Fear.
I don’t know what’s causing it and I can’t make it stop. I feel nauseous and exhausted.