SEASON ONE
WONDERSHOWZEN
BIRTH
11 out of 10 people listening to this message
are dead from cooties. Don't let cooties crucify you.
SPACE
Q: What do you call a leopard named Billy
who just fell down a 600ft ravine into a squirming
pit of dead ducks covered in leprosy once owned
by a pizzeria?
FIVE JOKES IN FIVE SECONDS
A: In this case-- you would refer to
the unfortunate soul as "Bad Luck Billy"!!!
Q: What would someone like you end up with if,
say, for the sake of argument (or more accurately---
for the sake of thsi particular joke), that you were a
scientist working in the field of experimental
bio-engineering, and you made an erstwhile effort
to genetically cross JFK with KFC?
A: All of our best data indicates unequivocally that
you would get John Fitzgerald Chicken.
A mountaineer who just returned from scaling
Mt. Kilamanjaro walks into a bar and asks for a free drink.
The bartender, sensing an ominous chill in the air says,
"well sir, I can't give you a free drink, but I can give you
five jokes in five seconds."
"Shoot" replied the crest fallen mountain man.
It was at this time in the joke that the admittedly jumpy
barkeep pulled out his pistol and beat the mountaineer
to death in five easy blows.
It seems there was this elephant who decided to get a
part time job at a bakery* to save up to buy a toilet.
When he showed up to the interview the manager asked
the elephant what qualifications he had to work a part time
job. As the elephant passionately laid out his extensive retail
and patisserrie experience, the manager iterrupted him curtly
exlaiming, "Wait-- if you buy a toilet, and flush your business--
what will the poor dung beetles eat?"
Just then the elepahnt staightened his tie and tossed this
beauty of a zinger orally into the eather: "They shall eat
your finest croissants." the elephant intoned, "And doubtless
that they shan't taste the diff."
*you should know that this particular bakery is known for
the unusually poor quality of its croissants.
The pope, a bear, a rabbi, a pirate, a diplomat, a midget,
a woman in a coma, a pelican, and your mom were all relaxing
on an Eames chair after a furious fortnight of group hate sex
when there was a sound at the door. "Knock-knock" went
the sound emanating from the door.
Simultaneously, and without missing a beat, an answer broke
like a desperate yowl from teh throats of the ogiers:
"Who's there?"
Like a shot from the butt gun of a pre-radicalized 1920's
anaarchist, came a response from beyond the door.
"Banana"
Faster than a duck could rape a lizard in the mouth, our
motley crew of freakazoids safely ensconced in the luxury
of their designer seatery, shook their heads and blasted as
a unit, "Orange you clad we've already heard this joke and so
shan't be participating (unless of cours you are offering
substantial financial remuneration)" There was no reply
from the other side of teh door, save this. One absolute rascal
of a fart.
We're gonna remove all the black skin that's been
oppressing you and stuff, and replace it with white skin!
Advances in genetic technology have allowed parents
to customize their babies in the womb with such awesome
accessories as:
a cupholder
built in cd player
4-wheel drive
and acne that spells out the name of your favorite band.
Would you rather your blood go to mind crime or genocide?
Does wino blood get you drunk?
Q&A: WHAT IS HEAVEN?
When you order a six piece nuggets,
and they give you seven and a switch blade.
That's where my legs are.
Keep kickin' angels, boys
Seven and a swithch blade.
That's where drunk daddies drive to.
I'll never know..
A day without my pills
PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! PILLS!
When you mix up the letters of heaven,
you get DEATH'S DESIGN.
We got to go to a farm. Farms are America's backbone.
Farmers are America's dumb bone.
Cows are reincarnated hindus.
Indians! woo woo woo woo!
That's what starving Africans eat!
They love it! To a famine victim, a handful of wheat
is like a steak dinner with all the trimmings.
Hey look everybody, muslim kryptonite!
Oh snap, five-o!
Jeremy christen thos pigs with his body water
But it wasn't very christ-like
Farmer Joe made us say a prayer to the dark lord
named Kromdor the invincible
murderlicious
I don't know when they slipped us the poison;
I think it was something in the milk. We woke up to find
we were farmer Joe's captive slaves, forced to toil
in the name of Lord Kromdor.
God is dead, but yet I am so hungry!
But god is dead, but what are we going to do with his body?
I'm so hungry!
I've got the spirit within me and it is di-vine.
OCEAN
Dad, when me had you creamated, me didn't know it would
kill you.
So this is where the dreams are shattered, huh?
Some.
The place has all the charms of the inside of a dead man's lung.
Why don't you just cut out the middle man and give your
social security check to the mafia?
I can do an impression of you-
gamble gamble gamble DIE.
SLAVES! BUILT THE PYRAMIDS
SLAVES! BUILT THE PARTHENON
SLAVES! BUILT AMERICA
SLAVES! THIS IS YOUR SONG
THANK YOU SLAVES!
Q&A: WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WISH?
Dry sheets in the morning.
I wish I had my innocence back.
I wish the screaming would stop.
I just wanna punch God in the face.
I want to fall inside your head and eat my way out.
I wish the screaming would start.
I want bernadette turned back into my dad, bernie.
I think warthogs are beautiful, but people say I'm ugly
so I guess that makes me stupid.
Look daddy, I did it! I'm on TV! How's prison?
I never thought of shaving my beard and freeing the slaves,
but I thought about shaving the slaves and freeing my beard!
I've suckled from the teat of liquid imagination,
and I want to do it again.
I'll call Jesus if you call the police!
DIVERSITY
I got some letters for ya-
F U
Yeah well I got a number for ya-
2- number 2 on your chest!
Q&A: WHAT IS LOVE?
something that happens long time
love is something special between between my dog's
butt and the carpet.
ask my cellmate.
my daddy needs pills for love.
a neuro-chemical con job
a new product.
who did i exploit? i don't think i did, yet.
but are you?
yeah probably some time today.
when did you sell your conscience?
you can't run away from a child?
your money doesn't make you better than me!
when the revolution comes, where will you hide?
under my bed.
profits before people!
you need this to wipe your hands, you got blood on them.
Girl, you got it
You know how to flaunt it
Sexy body with the power of vomit
skinny attitude and sassy fashion
puking power will get you attention!
NATURE
there's something wrong with mother nature!
she's having a sex change!
Q&A: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS?
boy has a penises and a girl has a fur.
I've got two of each so i'm covered
girls deserve respect- boys earn it
when you kick a girl between the legs, they just giggle
my daddy's beard is my mommy
the glass ceiling- girls are really good at washing it.
FUCK THE KIDZ!
RUFUS TRUTHFIST
BLACK ACTIFIST
It's a commonly accepted myth perpatratulated by the american
government that jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of
water, and the would've done it, too-
if the CIA hadn't infiltratulated their neighborhood and got 'em
hooked on crack and pills.
He made me think, and i do NOT like that.
Little Bo Peep was a slave name
It oughta bee Little Bo Shabaz X-P
I don't like his message, but he's dreamy
Well there's a little man inside my head that tells me what to do
"go fill your pants with chili"
and the little man inside his head that has some ideas, too
"your lungs would make a nice hat"
but the little man inside his head is freaking crazy
"god is real"
cos the little man inside his head breathes corporate thunder
who would win a knife fight between these two cows?
obviously blackie would
is that a metaphor for our society?
yeah
when did these guys get sworn into the police force?
drink up you little piggie dogs!
when a llama dies, do you flush it down the toilet?
i don't think it would fit.
when my grandpa died, we flushed him down the toilet
what do monkeys sling when they get mad?
well they've been known to fling their poo.
have you ever flung poo back at the monkies?
no, you have to be nice to the monkeys.
even though they flung poo at you?
they don't understand what they're doing
just like our government?
these animals have it better than:
most people in the third world.
rub a dub dub
those cops beat me with a club
power to the people!
you put your black man in
you take your black man out
you lock your black man up
and you shake him all about
that's called the honky pokey
U.S. OUT OF MY UTERUS
i don't ever ever ever wanna grow up
old people wanna make throw up
i don't ever ever ever wanna grow up
i don't wanna end up like this guy or this guy
or this wicked fine lady
i've been shotified! assasulated!
that guy makes two billion dollars every day-
for minimum wage
hold your hands out!
I need to throw up on your lower class hands
look, it's that thing mommy gravels for- money
look! there's a different slave holder on every bill
burn, economy, burn!
HISTORY
Q&A: WHY IS AMERICA #1?
our pay to play legal system
white wine, white women and hate crimes
our version of history will prove us right
our dime store culture
i'm going public with my privates!
and on the seventh day, god did body shots
and had blast mouth shooters at a spring break contest
the statue of liberty was made in 1886 to commemerate
the end of freedom
from an empirical viewpoint, the problem of free will
(and causality) is reconciling the determinisim and freedom
to make sense of morality
rioters are out in the street to protest their lack of protest
this is where we learn to accept murder
chicken genocide
chicken darfur
where's the UN now?
those workers floored me with their lack of shame
for their jobs they acted like it was normal- that they were human
look, daddy's magic powder
the secret ingrediant is botchalism
rat feces
cockroaches
that's what makes it yummy
delicious filth
those chickens are almost as battered as my mommy
that machine throws up 120 times a minute
if you eat that food, you do too
now if only they could sell a mother's love
in easy packaging
they do, it's called boxed wine
i hear in some countries, they cook their own meals
losers, we have a box.
we're disproportionatley disconnected from our food.
Self-deception
That's where whiskers went when he died-
my brother, whiskers
Wonder Showzen contains offensive, despicable content
that is too controversial and too awesome for actual children.
The stark, ugly, profound truths wonder showzen
exposes may be soul crushing to the weak of spirit.
If you allow a child to watch this show,
you are a bad parent or guardian.
Say "I'm going to die tomorrow because I smoke"
I hope so- I hate this life.
Cooties turns your brains to mush
your nipples to lips
and your dreams to screams
Who crucifies the cooties?
Cootie proof body condoms
Him, those are contagious!
Contagiously delicious.
Kids on the beat, kids on the street-
Beat Kids! Beat Kids!
I'm just a child! What are you running away from?
Yeah! Run away! Just like my daddy!
Whose hat represents more oppresion:
yours or mine?
Well, they both represent a fair degree of oppression,
you just killed a more people a lot faster than we did.