017 [text] [fail!lock]
[The idea was for this to be private, thus the frankness and the tl;dr, but, well, you know. it's not.]
First Kamui... then Sakurazuka... then all the monsters, the girl, everyone yelling - and Shinji-san, and Takoyaki... all I'm doing is whining. I'm fine. I need to - [...] But it's more than that. I let myself stop moving. Stopped waking up at dawn and working nonstop through the day. Started thinking about stuff I didn't want to. Neechan... and Kamui...
I've gotten carried away. I like this place too much. I've never really had friends my age. Back home, my friends - Kamui. And Yuzuriha-chan. Neechan. It's different. I started liking having normal friendships. Started wedging my way into things. Wanted to do everything at once. Things I know I can't do. I know what my future is...
...Hey, you know... the most powerful spell I can cast... it lets me take the damage for someone else, even if I then die. Useful, isn't it? Since there's no way I'm going to make it to my next birthday, I don't mind being reckless with my life. Since there's no 'in the long run,' I thought it would be okay to be hated, to get hurt, to take the blame... not because I like it, but because it doesn't matter. Better me than anyone else. I'm not going to... But since she's not here... I guess - Huh.
- I'm never like this. I hate it. Hey... you said you'd feel better if you got punched, right? Maybe I should go ask Sakurazuka to punch me, in that case. Maybe getting hit in the head messed me up. Maybe that's why I keep acting... Huh. I'm never like this. I don't like it at all. What a stupid thing to say. There's other stuff going on here. Much, much more important.
I'll snap out of it. No choice.
[/not!filter]
First Kamui... then Sakurazuka... then all the monsters, the girl, everyone yelling - and Shinji-san, and Takoyaki... all I'm doing is whining. I'm fine. I need to - [...] But it's more than that. I let myself stop moving. Stopped waking up at dawn and working nonstop through the day. Started thinking about stuff I didn't want to. Neechan... and Kamui...
I've gotten carried away. I like this place too much. I've never really had friends my age. Back home, my friends - Kamui. And Yuzuriha-chan. Neechan. It's different. I started liking having normal friendships. Started wedging my way into things. Wanted to do everything at once. Things I know I can't do. I know what my future is...
...Hey, you know... the most powerful spell I can cast... it lets me take the damage for someone else, even if I then die. Useful, isn't it? Since there's no way I'm going to make it to my next birthday, I don't mind being reckless with my life. Since there's no 'in the long run,' I thought it would be okay to be hated, to get hurt, to take the blame... not because I like it, but because it doesn't matter. Better me than anyone else. I'm not going to... But since she's not here... I guess - Huh.
- I'm never like this. I hate it. Hey... you said you'd feel better if you got punched, right? Maybe I should go ask Sakurazuka to punch me, in that case. Maybe getting hit in the head messed me up. Maybe that's why I keep acting... Huh. I'm never like this. I don't like it at all. What a stupid thing to say. There's other stuff going on here. Much, much more important.
I'll snap out of it. No choice.
[/not!filter]