A nearly dead father-to-be..
Dear Readers:
Argh! It finally happened - I nearly smacked my husband last night. I though I'd coast through pregnancy without being tempted to murder anyone, but for some reason he really got under my skin. I am addressing it publicly because I think the point of view that he put forth is not uncommon, and that it's damaging and discouraging to women who've either had a medicated birth or would like to have a natural birth. I was doing my reading for our Bradley Class, which I find quite informative. This particular reading was on the "emotional signposts" experienced during labor. Here's a quick summary:
"First Emotional Signpost: Excitement
This stage will come early in the process, when you first begin to have contractions. The work will become progressively more difficult and require more of your attention. But, on the whole, the laboring mother is able to enjoy a good joke and moves with a light excitement. And, although this signpost can begin at the very start of labor, it may last quite a while. This is the fun part of labor. Enjoy it - Do not go to the hospital or birthing suite. It is very much too soon.
Partners: Is she is quick to smile, elated, and excitedly nervous, be prepared that she still has a way to go before you are going to meet this baby. Your job is to make sure she remembers to eat, sleep and breathe deeply. Savor this stage, enjoy the excitement, and by all means - STAY AT HOME. If you think she is working hard, and you decide to go to the hospital - take the camera test (if she can smile and pose for the photo - STAY AT HOME).
Second Emotional Signpost: Seriousness
Somehow, excitement will give way to seriousness, often without your knowing exactly when this happened. Concentration is required with each contraction. You have to put forth a real effort to relax and breathe deeply. These contractions are often a minute long. The serious emotional signpost is total absorption in the work at hand, a do-not-disturb attitude.
Partners: This is when you should become serious too. Do not wait for her to become desperate to start working with her! Follow her cues, and match her pace. The trick is to stay on top of the contractions and maintain a rhythm. The primary goal is total relaxation at all times.
Third Emotional Signpost: Self-Doubt
Your uterus now shifts into high gear and does the most difficult piece of the work, the final stretch from 7 to 10 centimeters. Your self-absorption changes tenor and your partner is often the first to notice an uncertain, indecisiveness to your mood. You become unsure of what you want, how you are doing, and lose confidence in your ability to do this. You answer “I don’t know” to most questions. Your contractions may be 90 seconds long with a reduced rest period between them. Your ability to relax and rest becomes severely challenged. You may have hot and/or cold flashes; you may burp, shake, vomit, and/or not want to be touched. This is when relaxation is most helpful. The goal is to concentrate on a super limp body.
Partners: Although she looks to you like she is doing a fine job, she may begin to lose confidence and lose her rhythm. Remember, the hurdle here is an emotional one. This is your time to give her all of your support, positive encouragement and your confidence. This is often the most blundered part of labor. She will follow your lead. Although it is difficult to have confidence in labor and birth when your experience with it is limited, this is when you need to show her how much you believe in her and in the process (even if it means that you need to exaggerate your confidence). This is a short stage."
Since he was sitting next to me on the couch, I mentioned to him that I had known several women who made it through 12+ hours of completely unmedicated and natural labor, only to end up getting an epidural or other pain injection almost immediately before they actually gave birth. That seems to me to confirm the third emotional signpost - doing just fine for a long time, and then a rush of panic and doubt that leads to a medicated birth. I also commented that most of the women who'd ended up with medical intervention hadn't taken the Bradley class, and/or didn't have a support person there to coach them through the difficulties of end-stage labor.
Michael responded, though not how I'd expected. I suppose I was looking for him to tell me that it didn't matter what emotional state I was in, that he'd be there and be strong to help me get through it while still achieving our goals. Well, he didn't say that. Instead, he informed me that "Actually, I see that as just weakness. A lack of commitment." When I said "What do you mean?" he explained that if a woman has gotten through hours and hours of labor only to "cave" at the very end, that means that she was weak and wasn't dedicated to a natural childbirth. I admittedly gave him a look, at which point he got angry because "just because a man can't have a baby doesn't mean he doesn't know what pain is" and stomped upstairs.
So, my frustration is twofold. First, NEITHER of us know what labor is like for other people or will be like for us. We have lots of resources, but ultimately every birth is a story that follows the same general outline of all others, but in a different language, with different tones. And I'm talking about the difference between "Robinson Crusoe" and "Foe", here. I think that for either of us to judge a woman who has had pain medication in birth as weak or uncommitted is foolish and wrong, because there's no way of knowing just what she went through. True, it's entirely possible to do it without. True, it's entirely possible to have a painless birth (yes, I said it - painless). But that doesn't mean that every woman will.
Second, It takes not only strength and commitment, but also a rock-solid supporter and a medical team ready to do what you asked them to do (in our case, not offer pain medications). It takes education (because knowledge is power, and knowledge and understanding lessen pain) and practice and yes, determination. But with all of the determination in the world, a woman is still susceptible to her hormones and the signals her body is giving her. If you've ever gotten angry for a tiny reason, but then not been able to let it go even though you knew it was silly, you know what I'm talking about. If you've ever come upon a terrifying situation and been immobilized for a moment even though you knew you'd be fine (fear of flying, bungee jumping, roller coasters, etc), you know this feeling. You might be able to intellectualize your way around the situation, but when you're really deep in it your body is still pumping out signals that your brain can't ignore.
Perhaps expert yogis and Buddhists have this skill, but for the rest of us it's a work in progress. I am constantly reminding myself that my initial response is not always correct, and that when I'm afraid of something or something pains me, I can often push past it to the other, bright and sunny side. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), our bodies NEED the fight or flight response to pain that causes problems in labor. It's saved our butts from the first time a human being walked upright and decided to run from a tiger instead of petting it, or to take your hand OFF the hot coals rather than leave it there. Three things in labor can help overcome this problem: 1) eliminate or reduce pain through practiced relaxation and deep, abdominal breathing, 2) have full knowledge of the process that is causing pain, because knowing WHY is a large step towards accepting it, 3) A supportive, sincere labor assistant or coach who is quite literally wiping your brow and telling you how beautifully you're doing. Without any of these three things, it's nearly impossible to overcome the body's natural and expected reaction to pain and stress: tension, fear, uncertainty, and eventual seeking of relief. Or, an epidural.
If both strong and weak women alike experience this "emotional signpost" (and they do, I promise), it can't be a sign of weakness. Instead, it is a sign of the body and the mind reacting as they should to the situation at hand. It is normal, from one woman to the next. No matter how "crunchy" or natural, if it happens that doesn't make you weak, it makes you like countless other women who've been in your shoes and felt the same way. How you deal with it isn't only a matter of inner perseverance, but also a matter of those around you: if a doctor enters at this phase and informs her that she should be further along and that a pain medication would help, she's likely to take it. If her coach isn't 100% behind her, she's likely to panic. On the other hand, if the doctor stays out of the way except in the case of an emergency, and if the husband recognizes this stage as a precursor to the end and encourages, praises, and helps accordingly, any woman (even a 'weak' one) has a good chance of achieving her goal of a natural birth.
And now...now I worry that at a moment when I need him most, Michael will be thinking of me as weak and uncommitted. I worry that I'll hid how I'm feeling and what I'm going through to avoid his criticism or disdain. I'm worried, deep down, that he's right - that being scared and unsure DOES make me a weak person. And the bottom line is that I shouldn't be. None of these concerns should be on my mind, because what's important right now is ensuring a healthy pregnancy and delivery, in whatever way works for Peanut and I.
Now, time for yoga - kundalini with Gurmukh always clears my head.
Argh! It finally happened - I nearly smacked my husband last night. I though I'd coast through pregnancy without being tempted to murder anyone, but for some reason he really got under my skin. I am addressing it publicly because I think the point of view that he put forth is not uncommon, and that it's damaging and discouraging to women who've either had a medicated birth or would like to have a natural birth. I was doing my reading for our Bradley Class, which I find quite informative. This particular reading was on the "emotional signposts" experienced during labor. Here's a quick summary:
"First Emotional Signpost: Excitement
This stage will come early in the process, when you first begin to have contractions. The work will become progressively more difficult and require more of your attention. But, on the whole, the laboring mother is able to enjoy a good joke and moves with a light excitement. And, although this signpost can begin at the very start of labor, it may last quite a while. This is the fun part of labor. Enjoy it - Do not go to the hospital or birthing suite. It is very much too soon.
Partners: Is she is quick to smile, elated, and excitedly nervous, be prepared that she still has a way to go before you are going to meet this baby. Your job is to make sure she remembers to eat, sleep and breathe deeply. Savor this stage, enjoy the excitement, and by all means - STAY AT HOME. If you think she is working hard, and you decide to go to the hospital - take the camera test (if she can smile and pose for the photo - STAY AT HOME).
Second Emotional Signpost: Seriousness
Somehow, excitement will give way to seriousness, often without your knowing exactly when this happened. Concentration is required with each contraction. You have to put forth a real effort to relax and breathe deeply. These contractions are often a minute long. The serious emotional signpost is total absorption in the work at hand, a do-not-disturb attitude.
Partners: This is when you should become serious too. Do not wait for her to become desperate to start working with her! Follow her cues, and match her pace. The trick is to stay on top of the contractions and maintain a rhythm. The primary goal is total relaxation at all times.
Third Emotional Signpost: Self-Doubt
Your uterus now shifts into high gear and does the most difficult piece of the work, the final stretch from 7 to 10 centimeters. Your self-absorption changes tenor and your partner is often the first to notice an uncertain, indecisiveness to your mood. You become unsure of what you want, how you are doing, and lose confidence in your ability to do this. You answer “I don’t know” to most questions. Your contractions may be 90 seconds long with a reduced rest period between them. Your ability to relax and rest becomes severely challenged. You may have hot and/or cold flashes; you may burp, shake, vomit, and/or not want to be touched. This is when relaxation is most helpful. The goal is to concentrate on a super limp body.
Partners: Although she looks to you like she is doing a fine job, she may begin to lose confidence and lose her rhythm. Remember, the hurdle here is an emotional one. This is your time to give her all of your support, positive encouragement and your confidence. This is often the most blundered part of labor. She will follow your lead. Although it is difficult to have confidence in labor and birth when your experience with it is limited, this is when you need to show her how much you believe in her and in the process (even if it means that you need to exaggerate your confidence). This is a short stage."
Since he was sitting next to me on the couch, I mentioned to him that I had known several women who made it through 12+ hours of completely unmedicated and natural labor, only to end up getting an epidural or other pain injection almost immediately before they actually gave birth. That seems to me to confirm the third emotional signpost - doing just fine for a long time, and then a rush of panic and doubt that leads to a medicated birth. I also commented that most of the women who'd ended up with medical intervention hadn't taken the Bradley class, and/or didn't have a support person there to coach them through the difficulties of end-stage labor.
Michael responded, though not how I'd expected. I suppose I was looking for him to tell me that it didn't matter what emotional state I was in, that he'd be there and be strong to help me get through it while still achieving our goals. Well, he didn't say that. Instead, he informed me that "Actually, I see that as just weakness. A lack of commitment." When I said "What do you mean?" he explained that if a woman has gotten through hours and hours of labor only to "cave" at the very end, that means that she was weak and wasn't dedicated to a natural childbirth. I admittedly gave him a look, at which point he got angry because "just because a man can't have a baby doesn't mean he doesn't know what pain is" and stomped upstairs.
So, my frustration is twofold. First, NEITHER of us know what labor is like for other people or will be like for us. We have lots of resources, but ultimately every birth is a story that follows the same general outline of all others, but in a different language, with different tones. And I'm talking about the difference between "Robinson Crusoe" and "Foe", here. I think that for either of us to judge a woman who has had pain medication in birth as weak or uncommitted is foolish and wrong, because there's no way of knowing just what she went through. True, it's entirely possible to do it without. True, it's entirely possible to have a painless birth (yes, I said it - painless). But that doesn't mean that every woman will.
Second, It takes not only strength and commitment, but also a rock-solid supporter and a medical team ready to do what you asked them to do (in our case, not offer pain medications). It takes education (because knowledge is power, and knowledge and understanding lessen pain) and practice and yes, determination. But with all of the determination in the world, a woman is still susceptible to her hormones and the signals her body is giving her. If you've ever gotten angry for a tiny reason, but then not been able to let it go even though you knew it was silly, you know what I'm talking about. If you've ever come upon a terrifying situation and been immobilized for a moment even though you knew you'd be fine (fear of flying, bungee jumping, roller coasters, etc), you know this feeling. You might be able to intellectualize your way around the situation, but when you're really deep in it your body is still pumping out signals that your brain can't ignore.
Perhaps expert yogis and Buddhists have this skill, but for the rest of us it's a work in progress. I am constantly reminding myself that my initial response is not always correct, and that when I'm afraid of something or something pains me, I can often push past it to the other, bright and sunny side. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), our bodies NEED the fight or flight response to pain that causes problems in labor. It's saved our butts from the first time a human being walked upright and decided to run from a tiger instead of petting it, or to take your hand OFF the hot coals rather than leave it there. Three things in labor can help overcome this problem: 1) eliminate or reduce pain through practiced relaxation and deep, abdominal breathing, 2) have full knowledge of the process that is causing pain, because knowing WHY is a large step towards accepting it, 3) A supportive, sincere labor assistant or coach who is quite literally wiping your brow and telling you how beautifully you're doing. Without any of these three things, it's nearly impossible to overcome the body's natural and expected reaction to pain and stress: tension, fear, uncertainty, and eventual seeking of relief. Or, an epidural.
If both strong and weak women alike experience this "emotional signpost" (and they do, I promise), it can't be a sign of weakness. Instead, it is a sign of the body and the mind reacting as they should to the situation at hand. It is normal, from one woman to the next. No matter how "crunchy" or natural, if it happens that doesn't make you weak, it makes you like countless other women who've been in your shoes and felt the same way. How you deal with it isn't only a matter of inner perseverance, but also a matter of those around you: if a doctor enters at this phase and informs her that she should be further along and that a pain medication would help, she's likely to take it. If her coach isn't 100% behind her, she's likely to panic. On the other hand, if the doctor stays out of the way except in the case of an emergency, and if the husband recognizes this stage as a precursor to the end and encourages, praises, and helps accordingly, any woman (even a 'weak' one) has a good chance of achieving her goal of a natural birth.
And now...now I worry that at a moment when I need him most, Michael will be thinking of me as weak and uncommitted. I worry that I'll hid how I'm feeling and what I'm going through to avoid his criticism or disdain. I'm worried, deep down, that he's right - that being scared and unsure DOES make me a weak person. And the bottom line is that I shouldn't be. None of these concerns should be on my mind, because what's important right now is ensuring a healthy pregnancy and delivery, in whatever way works for Peanut and I.
Now, time for yoga - kundalini with Gurmukh always clears my head.