if you ever thought I was a good person...
I'm not.
So, I'm scared.
really scared. I know logically everything should be fine, but anyone who knows me knows that in my head I'm running through all of the things that could go wrong. Do you know how many people die on the operating table from shock or heart attacks because of the anestesia? Do you know that there's a definite danger that the knife slips and cuts his intestines open? That there's a chance he could slip into a coma and never wake up?
and barring all that, that the cancer won't be gone and he'll still be sick?
I'm here at the office with nothing to do but worry and wait for the damn phone to ring. Its a five hour operation that doesn't start until noon or one, so I'll be like this all day.
in case you needed a picture, my feet are tapping, I'm chugging cups of coffee, scratching my arm, and jumping at slight noises. and FUCK, but today is one of those days I want to snort 40mg of oxycontin and just be numb for awhile. I'm not used to feeling like this because I always medicated myself when it happened. This is like a sustained panic attack with no end in sight.
and then...
well, then I feel like a selfish brat for talking about how I feel when my father is the one in danger, the one with something to bitch about. I'm just a fucking ungrateful and unappreciative and self-absorbed kid who's of no use to anyone.
right.
time to bite my nails and do some research.
So, I'm scared.
really scared. I know logically everything should be fine, but anyone who knows me knows that in my head I'm running through all of the things that could go wrong. Do you know how many people die on the operating table from shock or heart attacks because of the anestesia? Do you know that there's a definite danger that the knife slips and cuts his intestines open? That there's a chance he could slip into a coma and never wake up?
and barring all that, that the cancer won't be gone and he'll still be sick?
I'm here at the office with nothing to do but worry and wait for the damn phone to ring. Its a five hour operation that doesn't start until noon or one, so I'll be like this all day.
in case you needed a picture, my feet are tapping, I'm chugging cups of coffee, scratching my arm, and jumping at slight noises. and FUCK, but today is one of those days I want to snort 40mg of oxycontin and just be numb for awhile. I'm not used to feeling like this because I always medicated myself when it happened. This is like a sustained panic attack with no end in sight.
and then...
well, then I feel like a selfish brat for talking about how I feel when my father is the one in danger, the one with something to bitch about. I'm just a fucking ungrateful and unappreciative and self-absorbed kid who's of no use to anyone.
right.
time to bite my nails and do some research.