Onion Horoscopes!!!
Aries: (March 21-April 19)
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
Religious turmoil looms large in your future, as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
Religious turmoil looms large in your future, as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.