3 simple words...aren't so simple anymore

Oct 16, 2005 19:33

I don't think anyone knows what it feels like...to be unable to love your own mother. I can't explain it. But ever since I was young, and I mean all the way back to about 10 years old, I feel nothing but an empty, stone-cold embrace when my own mother hugs me. No matter how hard I try to look at her with loving eyes and a caring heart, I can't. All I see is someone whom I feel I never even knew. I don't feel a part of her whatsoever. I try to so much as smile when I say 'I Love You, Mom' but even those words feel empty. It's as if I am lying when I say it to her. Why do we have so many problems? How did all of this start? I don't even know an exact time or reason for any of the bitterness between us two. My mom tells me she is afraid of me. She says she finds herself terrified to even approach me some of the time. What have I done? What did I do in life to make my mother so distant from myself? Most of the things I have said, works both ways. She doesn't "like" me. She doesn't wish to be around me. She feels just as awkward hugging me as I do having her near. How did this happen? What happened to that unshakable, unconditional, loving bond between mother and daughter. I've never had such a thing. I've never had a mother to confide in. I've never had a mother to make me feel better when I am down, or to hold and comfort me when I need a loving touch. I've never had a warm-hearted feeling for the place I call "home". I've never longed to be near the ones I call "family". I've never...or maybe I have and am for one reason or another simply unable to see it or feel it. I don't feel love. Not in that way. For as long as I can remember I find myself wishing to be farther and farther away from home as possible. Why did things turn out this way? I've never actually decided in my mind that I don't love my mom, but I've also never felt it. How can you say that you love someone when they are the one person who makes you feel like you hate yourself. Whether she means it or not, my mom makes me feel like I should'nt exist. I feel like if I cause her so much pain, that I should just be taken farthest away from her as possible. The words, 'I Love You Mom' ring like piercing reminders that in my case, they are just that...words. Nothing more. There is so meaning or significance to them. They are empty and hollow. Just like my heart when it comes to having that "special place" for family and, most of all, "mom". I do love you mom, but I've never been able to fully feel it. I'm losing you. I'm losing me...I hate me for hating you.
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