fade to black.
Its hard to explain. All the things we see, all the things we want and dream about. To some, a fucked up reality. To others, an opportunity for a life one could only wish for on a beautiful day. Whats really in that sunset. what are his eyes hiding. when do hearts and open wounds heal. this open wound getting dug into deeper and deeper with the knife of everything thats said. everything that isnt. such a beautiful tragedy, the eyes have lost their sparkle. dull and lifeless. light up a cigarette, pretend everything's ok. stare a picture. try to focus. try to let go. reality is there. its everywhere. the escape alluding your attempts at every stop. nothing more to say. scene cut. fade to black. actors shuffle through meaningless bullshit and smile. smile at every situation where you've lost everything. every time you had nothing to say. every awkward silence. silence becoming golden. your only escape. stop breaking hearts. stop letting go. stop holding it in. screaming at the top of your lungs. cant anyone see you. doesnt anyone care that you're yelling. sometimes we are invisible. take a drink, let the alcohol warm your thoughts. take a temporary escape. forget just for a minute. smile like you mean it. and mean it. mean every word you fucking say. tell us the truth. tell us what you're thinking and what every expression at my words of admittance means. turn off the lights. stare at the ceiling. murmering voices grow louder. someone yells, sounds like someone else got hit. cover your ears, close your eyes, block out what you know is going on. they cant hurt me, if they cant see me. wait, wasnt all I wanted to be seen. not like this. not with bruises, and cuts, and scars. this isn't my place. shut down. scene change. cloudy day. rain. smiles and laughter. fake and real. this is mine. you cant love it more. you cant see what Im hiding. but today, if you catch my glance at the right moment, you might see it. you might see everything that could cut me, kill me. you might see her weaknesses. you might know. stand on a window's ledge. seriously contemplate death and all its perks. stopping the selfish thoughts, you climb back in. stand and stare at a picture. one that hurts. one that you cant let go. a family portrait. only you know whats missing. love. of any kind. nothing is present there. empty eyes. all of them. the window looks nice. only 5 feet away. no you cant. you couldnt do that to anyone in your heart. you cant do it to yourself. the mutt of the family. the odd man out. take your cigarettes, your tequila, take a seat. someone who cares sends a message. a message of love. a message of hope. meaningless bullshit. eyes, dull and lifeless, read the message. "I love you, you know that." you saw what Im scared of, you saw what could kill me. And you know how to stop it. my wonderwall. the window doesn't look so inviting. put the tequila down, cigarette in hand. read the message again. "you know that." read it until the phrase burns into your every vein. He's right. I know that. I'll always know that. in the dark, wishing you were someone else. where would that get you. another fucked up situation. to spend a minute with you would be the worst choice of my life. to tell you everything, may just be the best. the wound bleeds, the darkest red you've ever seen. real blood, real pain. static connection. loss of signal. you know what it feels like. the knife sharpened. "I love you" stop saying that. be there. stop holding me. lifeless and dull eyes read into every thought you think. read until they go blind. why not smile. smile and mean it. grimace as your wounds show. hide as others see your cuts and bruises. your scars. remember the rain. remember the clarity. remember to escape. you know what you have to do. that window's ledge. no. tell the real story. yes. be the one to stop them, yes. the fire in your heart is out. not beautiful, not unique, not breath taking, not me. you. maybe. talented. yes. deep. scene change. rain. too much to see. float away. you think your days are uneventful. she goes her own way. the truth is she cant breathe. take a tequila shot. light up another cigarette. read the new message. "I'll always be here, I'm not going anywhere. you know that." stop deciding what I know. what if I dont want to know. let the rain hit the words. smear and wash away. somehow the cigarette remains unscathed. relight to make sure. switch tequila for rum and coke. pour it in the rain. watch the rain drop down his face. he meant it. he meant every fucking word he said. he smiles. "you know that." he sees it. the knife on the floor. darkest red. a scream. scene cut. fade to black. write the story.lights up on the rainy scene. a girl holding a cigarette. blood stained shirt. calm in the storm. a boy hands her a message. "meet me tonight. 12. you know where. I love you." she knows where. theres a place that belongs to only us. he saw the blood. he took the drink. the rain pours harder. she lights the message and watches it burn up. toss the lighter. let it go. crack the mirror. not beautiful, not unique. a burden. you just want to be left alone. stop messing in things you couldnt possibly understand. the knife now lays in his pocket. its his turn to stop it. he stares, waiting to see any recognizable emotion. none. take the drink back. walk away. they cant hurt me, if they cant see me. take a seat. nothing changes. rain slackens. light another cigarette. keep writing. he loves you. 11:59. things to do. dont forget to let go. the wound bleeds black. makeshift stitch. temporary. tell us the truth. we arent original. who hasnt been us before. who hasnt loved what I love, saw what ive seen, hated what Ive hated, the list drones on. Read the messages. two, too burnt up and washed out to read. the words are there. engraved in the wound. read them back like book. "you know that" "I love you" "meet me tonight." say the words in your sleep. 30 seconds. let the wound fall open. let your burises and cuts and scars show through. shedding the dark, his eyes go wide. never has he been so scared. never have I told you the truth. take a seat. take a drink. find a cigarette. lighter in a trash can. damn. meet a stranger. find a light. slow romance. he's afraid his words arent getting through. the window's looking like the only way out. dont forget to escape. lock it on your way out. no, stop. its my turn to stop them. close the curtains. turn off the lights. stare at the ceiling. fingers brush ever scrape, bruise, cut, gash, and scar. dull and lifeless eyes, study for meaning. "you know that." she knows. the knife lays in his posession. thoughts racing. so tempting. selfish thoughts. throw the knife out the window. blackout. scene up on another rainy morning. scars. blue eyes. such a beautiful tragedy, a beautiful mistake. her eyes cracked from heartache. murmurs once again turn to yelling. they cant see me, they cant hear me, they cant hurt me. he's here. hold on to her tightly. you're losing her. she feels safe with you. take your breaths in unison. slow it down. the smell of her hair. those tears. fast forward. 12:01 am. late. she promised 12. or whatever he had meant. door open. hushed voice. hand her the note. take a seat. take a drink. no cigarette. you're not the type. she reads it "I understand. you know that." she knows. hell, what does she know. the window's ledge. staring at the ceiling. black and white. its all in black and white. the knife. the wound. blue eyes. pass out. eternal darkness. arms. pulling her out. his words, soothing. she knows, she knows. he loves her. dont cover your eyes, dont block it out. let it go. remember to escape. scene cut. fade to black
-Morgan. 02/15/05 -
my birthday is in twelve days. almost 16. please remember.