(no subject)
i have to keep reminding myself that
a) eating a meal with the family leads to distress
and
b) bping when family members are home leads to distress
specifically...bping or eating TOO MUCH when MUM is home leads to massive distress, feelings of loss of control...anger, sadness. when oscar's home i usually don’t give a crap. unless he has friends over. dad is also fairly clueless...unless he is fixated around the kitchen area. he doesn’t understand the whole shower = purge thing. but mum...sheesh. it is nerve racking when she is around.
btw i told her i hate fighting...we hugged, and yeah. it just had to be said. well something had to be said.
so back to my original note...tonight, for example. i bought chicken thigh fillets marinated in some sundried tomato and somethingorrather sauce...plus i had also bought a HUGE ASS double choc muffin from muffin break, which was meant for my dessert. so i decided not to eat with the family, but instead to wait a half hour ...my dad had a friend over for dinner and i didnt particularly want to display my wierd eating nature to him. the insane amount of water etc. i always think i look like a FREAK eating. also, i knew mum would go on her nightly walk, so eating later would mean there would be less time to wait with dinner in my stomach before she goes walking. well fuck me up the ass because i i ate all the chicken...plus a heap of rice...and i was literally BURSTING. so im on the computer, trying to distract myself from my painfully full belly...and my mum is fucking having a beer with my dad and his friend! im just like goooooooo....it went on soooo long, it was getting ridiculous. i neeeded to do a quick purge, to "make room"...and then have my dessert and well..do my business. but they're in the kitchen which is RIGHT OPPOSITE the godamn bathroom...
soooooo....then after a while my mum's friend comes over. they were going walking together. only they dont leave right away, i hear the friend siting down and they’re allllll chatting now. ugh....FINALLY off the ladies go. i went and purged a little in mum's bathroom (i feel bad), because its on the other end of the house. then i devoured my muffin which BTW was SO SCRUMPTIOUS!!! and purged, and showered. I doubt my dad and his friend would not have heard...
oh man so what a fucking ordeal. nights like that make me feel like an ADDICT.
and then today’s bp was...wierd. i cut it short, i felt nauseous...i ate chicken schnitzel and egg dip and i felt sooo nauseous so i purged some.felt better. then decided i may as well eat all the rice i just cooked, seeing as i'm feeling better. so i started eating and 1/2 way through the rice i felt ill again...so decided to wrap things up. purged some. ate a packet of oreos.......andddd we're done. all in like an hour.it was so strange of me...
so then i lay outside for a bit and tanned myself in this insanely hot weather. did some suduko. then spent the a/noon with matt...we went down to acland street at the beach, shared icecream. he bought a wallet. then we drove allll the way to Chadstone, i felt so spoilt! i exchanged my watch, it ended up costing $200.so i got a d&g one for $190 and then also bought some earrings and a necklace. i picked up my gorgeous bracelet from the other day ...wtf is with me getting so much jewellery?!?! ...and then we bought a mrs fields brownie and cupcake. matt ate the brownie, i tried it...OMFG. i would eat the entire store if i could. how the fuck do they make their cookies and brownies and EVERYTHING there so FUCKING GOOD!!!!! well yeah...so i got all my calories from sweets today as usual. im empty now from finally purging dinner and that muffin...and now probably gonna eat more sweets tonight. i think matt and i are going to use our soft serve icecream maker???
i keep picking the scab off my face looks like SHITTTTTTTTT...its disgusting. i dont wanna bitch about it anymore. not really looking forward to going to sam's 21st...i feel uncomfortable and all at matt's holiday house, its ...idk, uncomfortable? i'd much rather be taking drugs AT HOME, in Melbourne. oh btw we went and got pills last night...gilly, our Israeli friend. he always invites us into his home and we end up chilling on his couch with whosever’s there for a while before we make an excuse, get our drugs, and boot. dont get me wrong he is SUCH a nice guy...but ive never had a relationship with a drug dealer like that before. usually its like...go in there, do the deal, and leave. he treats us like his friends. which is greatttt....but i kinda just wanna get the stuff and go. its all Israeli’s, they were watching employee of the month with jess Simpson and laughing like it was the funniest shit ever - that movie is horrible!!!!!
ok im done.
Love Lena.
a) eating a meal with the family leads to distress
and
b) bping when family members are home leads to distress
specifically...bping or eating TOO MUCH when MUM is home leads to massive distress, feelings of loss of control...anger, sadness. when oscar's home i usually don’t give a crap. unless he has friends over. dad is also fairly clueless...unless he is fixated around the kitchen area. he doesn’t understand the whole shower = purge thing. but mum...sheesh. it is nerve racking when she is around.
btw i told her i hate fighting...we hugged, and yeah. it just had to be said. well something had to be said.
so back to my original note...tonight, for example. i bought chicken thigh fillets marinated in some sundried tomato and somethingorrather sauce...plus i had also bought a HUGE ASS double choc muffin from muffin break, which was meant for my dessert. so i decided not to eat with the family, but instead to wait a half hour ...my dad had a friend over for dinner and i didnt particularly want to display my wierd eating nature to him. the insane amount of water etc. i always think i look like a FREAK eating. also, i knew mum would go on her nightly walk, so eating later would mean there would be less time to wait with dinner in my stomach before she goes walking. well fuck me up the ass because i i ate all the chicken...plus a heap of rice...and i was literally BURSTING. so im on the computer, trying to distract myself from my painfully full belly...and my mum is fucking having a beer with my dad and his friend! im just like goooooooo....it went on soooo long, it was getting ridiculous. i neeeded to do a quick purge, to "make room"...and then have my dessert and well..do my business. but they're in the kitchen which is RIGHT OPPOSITE the godamn bathroom...
soooooo....then after a while my mum's friend comes over. they were going walking together. only they dont leave right away, i hear the friend siting down and they’re allllll chatting now. ugh....FINALLY off the ladies go. i went and purged a little in mum's bathroom (i feel bad), because its on the other end of the house. then i devoured my muffin which BTW was SO SCRUMPTIOUS!!! and purged, and showered. I doubt my dad and his friend would not have heard...
oh man so what a fucking ordeal. nights like that make me feel like an ADDICT.
and then today’s bp was...wierd. i cut it short, i felt nauseous...i ate chicken schnitzel and egg dip and i felt sooo nauseous so i purged some.felt better. then decided i may as well eat all the rice i just cooked, seeing as i'm feeling better. so i started eating and 1/2 way through the rice i felt ill again...so decided to wrap things up. purged some. ate a packet of oreos.......andddd we're done. all in like an hour.it was so strange of me...
so then i lay outside for a bit and tanned myself in this insanely hot weather. did some suduko. then spent the a/noon with matt...we went down to acland street at the beach, shared icecream. he bought a wallet. then we drove allll the way to Chadstone, i felt so spoilt! i exchanged my watch, it ended up costing $200.so i got a d&g one for $190 and then also bought some earrings and a necklace. i picked up my gorgeous bracelet from the other day ...wtf is with me getting so much jewellery?!?! ...and then we bought a mrs fields brownie and cupcake. matt ate the brownie, i tried it...OMFG. i would eat the entire store if i could. how the fuck do they make their cookies and brownies and EVERYTHING there so FUCKING GOOD!!!!! well yeah...so i got all my calories from sweets today as usual. im empty now from finally purging dinner and that muffin...and now probably gonna eat more sweets tonight. i think matt and i are going to use our soft serve icecream maker???
i keep picking the scab off my face looks like SHITTTTTTTTT...its disgusting. i dont wanna bitch about it anymore. not really looking forward to going to sam's 21st...i feel uncomfortable and all at matt's holiday house, its ...idk, uncomfortable? i'd much rather be taking drugs AT HOME, in Melbourne. oh btw we went and got pills last night...gilly, our Israeli friend. he always invites us into his home and we end up chilling on his couch with whosever’s there for a while before we make an excuse, get our drugs, and boot. dont get me wrong he is SUCH a nice guy...but ive never had a relationship with a drug dealer like that before. usually its like...go in there, do the deal, and leave. he treats us like his friends. which is greatttt....but i kinda just wanna get the stuff and go. its all Israeli’s, they were watching employee of the month with jess Simpson and laughing like it was the funniest shit ever - that movie is horrible!!!!!
ok im done.
Love Lena.