(no subject)
how the fuck can one (huge mother fucking but one, singluar, never the less) PIMPLE make me SO depressed...this is pathetic. but i cant change how i feel. all the high school emotions flooding back...i cant handle zits. i cant at all. i have attacked my cheek. and now even sitting at home alone, with noone to see my disgusting face, i have concealer packed on...its disgusting oh my god...its just this huge lump and arghjsgjghshdsjdg go away. it remind me of when i had just packed on the kilos in my "oh im so better i dont have an e/d anymore" stage (feb - may 06)...oh yeah..right before i started purging and then became full on bulimic...at my highest weight.it was ALL i could think about. its easy for me to not worry about my weight now and think oh yeah..weight..that doenst bother me.because i am underweight. im not at a healthy nor natural weight for my body. so yeah i dont feel fat majority of the time...but add an extra 5 kilos to my little frame and BANG ...ok, so when i was at my highest weight and constantly depressed 24/7 thinking about the fat that covered my body, i wasnt only 5 kgs heavier than i am now...i was about 10 kgs...and that makes a BIG difference. however, still at weights like 49 kgs (im 45/46 atm)...i have diary entries AND memories of feeling ha-uge. and then i see pictures of me in bikini at the beach and hey i am friggin tiny.
im going way off topic, just comparing my skin to my weight right now. ha- if only my e/d was as simple as skin problems. i think the CORE issue right here is my low self-esteem and my constant basis of my self-worth on my APPEARANCE. its been this way for...ever. i know i am more than my looks, but stilll..i value them so highly.
so right now my eyes and face, but mainly eyes, are SO fucken puffy...oi. its gross, i feel like ive just been crying for the past 10 days straight thats how puffy they are.
today...was a mixed bag of emotions/events.
matt slept while i fucked around in the morning. livejournal, situps...etc. then he left and said he would go to gym, do his thing, and come get me at 3 and we would go to glenferry rd to exchange the book his mum gave me...and then either chaddy or southland to exchange/buy stuff for me. this is what he told me. not what i demanded of him.
so i mad rice and salmon and sweet soy and baked some cookies ..just the betty crocker "just add milk" ones, quick and easy. im eating the rice and matt calls and is like "can i come over in half an hour" ?? um...no. in half an hour i will be PUKING. and then...i'll have to clean up the kitchen, make myself presentable and...err sort out the whole electrolytes imbalance thing so i dont fucking FAINT on you. i told him one hour (2pm, instead of 3...). purge went alright. but after i looked like SHIT...felt it too. i felt all off-balancey as i always do post-purge. and my looks: well my puffy eyes, and THAT EVIL PIMPLE. matt came around. he seemed sour...like he didnt wanna be there?
we're driving to glen ferry and then we start getting into this massive fight...he pretty much started acting like he was doing me SUCH a huge favour by taking me tp glen ferry...and that he wanted to make it quick, and then go see friends...as in no chadstone/southland.just quick exchange book, then dump little lena off because "sam has some friends over". now the past 2 nights he has worked and said "i reallly just wanna see my bubi after work" and then changed that plan and gone to see friends, leaving me to go to sleep and be woken at 1,2,3 am ish...when he comes around. now i didnt care about this. let him see friends. i can deal with change, to an extent. but then TODAY...it was different. he was acting like he didnt even wanna see me, like im a burden. and he ALWAYS tells me he loves spending time with me, doing erands just whatever..it doenst matter what we do.
so we fought...i cried. it was the first fight that i felt like he actually TALKED BACK at me. like usually he is so devistated with making me upset, that he admits he's wrong right away and says he's sorry...today got a tad nasty. i think there were some mis-understandinsg...idk. i know im hard to deal with/live with. and we spend ALOT of time together. but i just....well we made up, its OVER. i got pretty damn upset though. the thing is i didnt care less if we went to chadstone or sthland or ANYWHERE really...i just wanted to bp at home in the morning and then spend time with matt...its hard to see the line with this whole compramise thing. well i exchanged the book for a chocolate recipe book haha how fitting...and also a giant SUDOKU puzzle book.
then we went to chadstone.....i found this PERFECT braclet i want. its silver and rose quartz i think...not sure...its a charm braclet and omg im in love. but because my stupid tiny wrist it is too big...so its getting sent away to get charms removed. i also bought a cheap charm braclet from a different store, idk why. and a really nice wallet (even though i just got one for my bday??!)... i always feel GUILTY shopping with matt. its annoying. he cant help it but just has this blank expression on his face while he waits for me to pick stuff. well thats the other half to my bday present from him ($130), so i shouldnt feel guilty. and anyway i GAVE him, not lent $150 at least...because of his car repairs and lost wallet etc. i still feel guilty, i hate it. we both help eachother out yet i always feel like i dont deserve ANYTHING.
we shared a mars bar cake...OMFG. freaking out a bit about that coz i cant find a calorie count on that ANY where on the web but it was thick and rich as fuck so im sure it had a bazillion in it.
ermm...what else. i have to exchange this watch i got for my birthday and i just went on the site to see other kinds of watches from the store, and all of the watches are $200-$1000!!! meaning my family friend spent $200 minimum on my present...im shocked. i mean, its one of my mums OLD friends, theyre not even friends anymore really. so so generous. so i will get a nice watch.
and...my pimple is fugly, i am fugly.
love lena.
im going way off topic, just comparing my skin to my weight right now. ha- if only my e/d was as simple as skin problems. i think the CORE issue right here is my low self-esteem and my constant basis of my self-worth on my APPEARANCE. its been this way for...ever. i know i am more than my looks, but stilll..i value them so highly.
so right now my eyes and face, but mainly eyes, are SO fucken puffy...oi. its gross, i feel like ive just been crying for the past 10 days straight thats how puffy they are.
today...was a mixed bag of emotions/events.
matt slept while i fucked around in the morning. livejournal, situps...etc. then he left and said he would go to gym, do his thing, and come get me at 3 and we would go to glenferry rd to exchange the book his mum gave me...and then either chaddy or southland to exchange/buy stuff for me. this is what he told me. not what i demanded of him.
so i mad rice and salmon and sweet soy and baked some cookies ..just the betty crocker "just add milk" ones, quick and easy. im eating the rice and matt calls and is like "can i come over in half an hour" ?? um...no. in half an hour i will be PUKING. and then...i'll have to clean up the kitchen, make myself presentable and...err sort out the whole electrolytes imbalance thing so i dont fucking FAINT on you. i told him one hour (2pm, instead of 3...). purge went alright. but after i looked like SHIT...felt it too. i felt all off-balancey as i always do post-purge. and my looks: well my puffy eyes, and THAT EVIL PIMPLE. matt came around. he seemed sour...like he didnt wanna be there?
we're driving to glen ferry and then we start getting into this massive fight...he pretty much started acting like he was doing me SUCH a huge favour by taking me tp glen ferry...and that he wanted to make it quick, and then go see friends...as in no chadstone/southland.just quick exchange book, then dump little lena off because "sam has some friends over". now the past 2 nights he has worked and said "i reallly just wanna see my bubi after work" and then changed that plan and gone to see friends, leaving me to go to sleep and be woken at 1,2,3 am ish...when he comes around. now i didnt care about this. let him see friends. i can deal with change, to an extent. but then TODAY...it was different. he was acting like he didnt even wanna see me, like im a burden. and he ALWAYS tells me he loves spending time with me, doing erands just whatever..it doenst matter what we do.
so we fought...i cried. it was the first fight that i felt like he actually TALKED BACK at me. like usually he is so devistated with making me upset, that he admits he's wrong right away and says he's sorry...today got a tad nasty. i think there were some mis-understandinsg...idk. i know im hard to deal with/live with. and we spend ALOT of time together. but i just....well we made up, its OVER. i got pretty damn upset though. the thing is i didnt care less if we went to chadstone or sthland or ANYWHERE really...i just wanted to bp at home in the morning and then spend time with matt...its hard to see the line with this whole compramise thing. well i exchanged the book for a chocolate recipe book haha how fitting...and also a giant SUDOKU puzzle book.
then we went to chadstone.....i found this PERFECT braclet i want. its silver and rose quartz i think...not sure...its a charm braclet and omg im in love. but because my stupid tiny wrist it is too big...so its getting sent away to get charms removed. i also bought a cheap charm braclet from a different store, idk why. and a really nice wallet (even though i just got one for my bday??!)... i always feel GUILTY shopping with matt. its annoying. he cant help it but just has this blank expression on his face while he waits for me to pick stuff. well thats the other half to my bday present from him ($130), so i shouldnt feel guilty. and anyway i GAVE him, not lent $150 at least...because of his car repairs and lost wallet etc. i still feel guilty, i hate it. we both help eachother out yet i always feel like i dont deserve ANYTHING.
we shared a mars bar cake...OMFG. freaking out a bit about that coz i cant find a calorie count on that ANY where on the web but it was thick and rich as fuck so im sure it had a bazillion in it.
ermm...what else. i have to exchange this watch i got for my birthday and i just went on the site to see other kinds of watches from the store, and all of the watches are $200-$1000!!! meaning my family friend spent $200 minimum on my present...im shocked. i mean, its one of my mums OLD friends, theyre not even friends anymore really. so so generous. so i will get a nice watch.
and...my pimple is fugly, i am fugly.
love lena.