Shattered Silence - Chapter 44
Title: Shattered Silence
Author: shmorgenheigen
Chapter: Forty Four
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4168
Summary: David Desrosiers is a seventeen year old boy when his father unexpectedly sells his family home, forcing him to move across town and switch schools for his senior year of high school. Having always been the victim of homophobic bullying, the idea of transferring to a new school for his final year isn’t all that uninviting, though when he runs into his toxic ex-boyfriend on his very first day, he suddenly finds himself yearning for the bullying of his old school, instead. David does his best to persevere in the face of an ex that he’s terrified of, intent on keeping his head down and making it through his final year in peace so he can move onto college and begin his adult life.
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, didn't happen!
Author's Note: This is an alternate universe story based off of Behind the Net, Behind the Net (Pierre’s POV), and Behind the Net: Across the Distance (A Sequel) where David never joins the hockey team, he and Pierre never become friends and start dating, and instead David is single when he comes across Hunter, Ezra, Noah, and Ben. I had so much fun when writing the sequel to Behind the Net with Hunter and Ezra and the boys, and Pierre was certain at various points during the sequel story David would have forgiven and dated Hunter if he had been single when he met Hunter again, and also that David and Ezra would have fallen for each other if Pierre had never been in the picture. Curiosity led me to thinking way too much about what David actually would have done in a scenario where he and Pierre had never fallen in love. Without dating Pierre and all of the growth and healing he did over the course of their relationship, David would have been a very different person and would have reacted very differently to meeting Hunter again. Before I knew it I got inspired and had to write it. Pierre makes a few guest appearances as a boy from the same small town, of course, but this is not a Pierre/David story, and I think it may actually be my favorite story I’ve ever written. If you give this a read, leave me a comment and let me know!
This story begins in the year 2015
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
The subway ride back to his apartment felt long and tense for both David and Ezra and neither of them spoke at all. David clung to Ezra with one arm wrapped around his back and the other against his stomach, both hands grasping desperate handfuls of his hoodie and refusing to let go. He felt a terror inside of him unlike anything he’d ever known before, terrified that Ezra would disappear if he let go of him, that he would turn his back and walk away again. If Ezra left him again, David knew there was no amount of logic or guilt in the world that would be able to stop him; it would actually kill him, this time. He didn’t want to allow himself to believe that it was real, that Ezra was actually there for him, and that he was never going to leave him again because of the way it would hurt if it ended up not being true, but he couldn’t deny the other boy’s presence and he clutched it desperately, unwilling to release him for fear that he would never see him again.
Ezra’s arm was wrapped securely around David’s back and he grasped onto his shoulder, and even through David’s shirt Ezra could feel how much smaller David was than he had been before. He continued to look down at the other boy and all he could see was how pale he was, and the dark circles under his eyes, and the way his cheek bones were more prominent than they ever had been before. The soft, roundness of his face was gone, and there was no trace of the playful, flirtatious boy he had left behind. His eyes were dull and overflowing with aching, and not once had David smiled even a little bit. Now, as he sat there looking at him, Ezra was confronted fully with what he had done to David and the way the David he had known had all but disappeared. He hated to see it, to see the evidence of how much he had hurt him, to know that David hadn’t moved on and found happiness in New York, that he had been drowning all on his own without anyone to pull him back to the surface. Now Ezra could only hope that it wasn’t too late to help piece him back together.
The moment they were inside his apartment with the door closed and locked behind them, David was grabbing Ezra’s face and kissing him, his aching passion exploding out of him uncontrollably. Ezra tried to pull back, to put distance between them, muttering, “David, we should talk first,” but David just shook his head and cried and kissed him again. As David pulled Ezra into his bedroom and down on top of him in his bed, still Ezra tried to slow them down, to reason that they needed to talk, but David continued to grab at him and kiss him and cry and before he could stop himself Ezra gave in, not wanting to hurt David any more than he already had. He couldn’t stand to deny what David was asking for, not with the way he was crying and pleading.
David was quick to pull off Ezra’s shirt and throw it to the side, and to unbutton and unzip his pants and reach his hand inside. Ezra moaned into David’s mouth at the feel and the two long months without the other boy’s touch overwhelmed his common sense, bringing a haze down over him and making it impossible to think about anything other than David and his body and his touch on his skin. He got lost entirely in it, and soon they were both naked and kissing like they’d never kissed before, hardly coming up for air or opening their eyes.
It was with mild surprise that Ezra watched David reach into his nightstand drawer and get into an already opened box of condoms, something that he and David had never used with each other before and something which Ezra couldn’t understand David’s reason for having. “I don’t have any lube,” David breathed matter of factly, before reconnecting their lips and opening the condom without looking at it. Ezra’s eyebrows pulled together and a slight shudder ran through him at the feel of David rolling the condom down over him. Too quickly David was grabbing his hips and pulling him down, trying to get him to push into him without hesitation or preparation.
“David, wait, I don’t want to hurt you,” Ezra said against his lips, trying to pull back but unable to with David’s hunger for him.
“Just do it, I don’t want to wait,” David breathed in response, taking only the seconds it took to speak away from his lips before he was kissing him again, tears still streaming from his eyes and down the sides of his face. When Ezra hesitated and tried to pull back, David dug his fingers into the skin of his lower back and pressed his forehead against Ezra’s, the softest, “Please...” escaping him.
Again Ezra didn’t know how to deny his desperate plea and he did as David asked, though he was terrified of hurting him and he was slow and cautious as he did. David pulled him in, forcing Ezra in faster than he intended to go and sending his head spinning at the sensation, though he could hear a noise of pain escape the back of David’s throat and again he tried to stop, his eyes opening and filling with tears. Why was David doing this? Why was he so desperate for this that he didn’t care if it hurt him? Still, David bit his lip and dug his fingertips into Ezra’s lower back, looking up at him with devastated eyes and begging again, “Please...”
Ezra dropped his forehead to David’s shoulder and did as was asked of him, feeling the strangest mixture of pleasure and emotional pain, terrified he was hurting David with how fast they were moving after how long it had been since they were together but unable to deny him with the way he was crying and begging for it. He felt David’s hands move up to wrap around his neck and he pulled his body up against his, moving against him, forcing Ezra to go faster than he meant to despite how hard he was trying to be slow and gentle. He could feel that David didn’t want him to be careful, that David wanted him to be rough and fast and to not care about how it might hurt him, but doing so went against Ezra’s very nature and he struggled with it. If David hadn’t been moving his own body he could have controlled it better but he got lost in it, in the way David was holding him, in the desperate, unrestrained noises he was making, in the way he was crying and begging for more. It felt unlike any time he’d ever been with David before and somewhere in the back of his mind, Ezra hated himself for giving into it.
It wasn’t long after they’d finished and had disposed of the condom that they were laying there in each other’s arms and Ezra heard the soft, even sound of David’s breathing, realizing he’d fallen asleep. He looked down at the other boy’s face, able to see how drained and exhausted he was and wanting to let him sleep no matter how badly he knew there were a million things he needed to tell him. Instead Ezra just began to examine him, taking in his gaunt features and realizing immediately that David hadn’t been eating. His eyes trailed down David’s jaw and neck, to his shoulders and collarbone that protruded more than they should have, to his exposed arm that had gotten skinny and looked unnaturally long because of it. And then he noticed bruises, that there were dark bruises all over his upper arm, his forearm, and his wrist. Ezra’s eyebrows pulled together and his mouth fell open as he stared at him, realizing that the only place those bruises could have come from were from another person’s hands and feeling sick. What had David been through?
Very gently so as to not disturb his sleep, Ezra lifted the blanket that covered his torso and saw bruises on his sides and hips, big and dark, and again based on the way that they looked and where they were placed, he could only imagine that they came from hands. His mind flashed back to David reaching into a box of condoms that was already open, about the way he so naturally opened and put it on him without having to look when they had never used them before, and his chest squeezed with pain at the realization that David had been hooking up with someone else, and that whoever it was, that person had been hurting him. He thought back to David’s casual statement that he didn’t have lube, and the way he didn’t care that Ezra couldn’t prepare him first, and that he had insisted that Ezra just go for it, that he had pulled him in impatiently, that he had made noises of pain but hadn’t stopped and instead had forced it to be harder and faster than Ezra would have gone on his own, and suddenly he understood. All at once it all combined to paint a horrifying picture, one of David being with someone who didn’t care about his well being, someone who didn’t care if he entered without preparation or lube, or went too hard and fast, or left bruises on his skin. The reality of it made Ezra start to cry again and he pressed the gentlest kiss he could manage to the top of David’s head, crying as silently as he could into his hair for whatever he had gone through.
Ezra grabbed the hand that rested against his chest and lifted it to his lips, kissing David’s palm with closed eyes and tears running down his cheeks. And then he opened his eyes and he saw something that shocked him into stillness and made him gasp softly. He saw David’s arm covered in cuts both fresh and old, and a fresh wave of pain coursed through him like nothing he’d ever felt before. Not only had David been starving himself, not only had David been getting hurt by someone else, but David had also been hurting himself. In all of the times Ezra had laid in his bed and hoped that David was moving on and doing well, never once had it occurred to him that David could have been hurting himself. There were more cuts on his arm than he could count though guilt still made him try, going from his wrist all the way up his forearm, covering every inch of skin that existed. The one closest to his hand looked so fresh he had to imagine he had just done it the night previously and it killed him to see it and to imagine David alone in his apartment as he cut himself. Ezra couldn’t hold it back as his chest began to shake with sobs and he closed his eyes, leaning his head down and pressing his forehead against David’s scarred wrist.
The movement of his arm and the touch of Ezra’s forehead against him pulled David from the sleep he’d fallen into and he opened his eyes, slowly at first, though the moment he saw the way Ezra was crying and his wrist against his forehead, it all clicked. He took a fast, shaky breath and pulled his arm away, pressing it against his chest to hide what Ezra had clearly just seen. He saw the way that Ezra’s eyes opened and he looked at him like someone he loved had just died, and he realized that he hadn’t thought that far ahead when he’d pulled Ezra into his bed and stripped off his clothing. Ezra wrapped his arms around David’s head and pulled him against his chest, sobbing into his hair and holding him tight, whispering the words, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” over and over.
David just laid against his chest with his eyes wide open, realizing suddenly all of the evidence of harm that covered his body, from the cuts he’d inflicted upon himself to the bruises that Oliver had left on him. He had been so overwhelmed in getting Ezra back and being with him that he hadn’t stopped to think about what would happen when he took his clothes off, when Ezra saw his body again and all of the damage he’d sustained, the cuts that would turn to scars that would perhaps never go away. And then, unable to stop himself, David’s face crumpled and he leaned into Ezra’s chest, digging his fingers into the other boy’s back and crying with him with everything inside of him. He let it all pour out of him, all of the abuse he’d allowed to rain down on him, all of the pain he’d inflicted on himself, all of the agony and the sorrow of Ezra leaving him, all of the hours he’d spent thinking about killing himself… all of it. It ripped from his chest, and suddenly he couldn’t stop the messy sobs that escaped him, or the horrible noises he’d made the night Ezra had left him and the following night when he’d gotten to his apartment alone, noises that he had never intended on letting another person hear but that now he couldn’t keep inside any longer. He felt like he was breaking apart, shattering into a million tiny pieces, and that the only thing holding him from disintegrating entirely was Ezra’s body curled around his.
They stayed like that for a long time until they both went quiet and their bodies stopped racking, simply holding each other when all that was left was shallow, shaky breaths. The words, “I’m so sorry,” kept escaping Ezra without being able to help it. Each time David heard it fresh tears rolled from his eyes but he no longer sobbed and instead he just laid there, weak and crying, unable to move or to speak.
After what felt like hours, David felt Ezra pull back and he looked up at him, his eyes drawn to the other boy’s movement as if by magnets, following him helplessly. He had never seen such pain in Ezra’s face before and he knew without having to be told that Ezra had been suffering too during their time apart. He could see how deeply Ezra still loved him, and how much pain he had been in to be apart, and he couldn't help it as the word, “Why?” escaped him. He watched as Ezra’s eyebrows pulled together and his eyes flooded with tears again, able to see agony and possibly even anger at himself in the other boy’s eyes. “Why did you wait so long?”
Ezra closed his eyes and leaned forward until his forehead rested against David’s, his heart aching as he replied, “I tried to text you six weeks ago… and I got a text back that you changed your number.” The information felt like an anvil dropping into David’s stomach and he stopped breathing, his mouth falling open as he realized what he’d done by changing his number, and that if he’d waited just a little bit longer he would have heard from Ezra. Ezra scrunched his eyebrows together and shook his head a little against David’s forehead as he added, “I was gonna send the message through social media but you deleted it, and I thought…” Ezra’s voice trailed off and guilt tore through him at the way he’d just given up then and there, how it hadn’t occurred to him to show up in person at FIT and find David. David’s chest felt like it was ripping in half at Ezra’s words, knowing that if he hadn’t panicked and deleted his account that Ezra’s message would have gotten to him. “I thought it meant you didn’t want to be contacted and I just… gave up,” Ezra finished, his voice heavy with pain and regret at the assumption he’d made.
David could feel his emotions building up unbearably again inside of him but he tried to push them down. “I was tired of looking at my phone and hoping you’d call or text,” he admitted weakly, leaning forward a little with closed eyes so the tip of his nose pressed against Ezra’s. “I figured… If I changed my number… I would know for sure that you never would and I could stop hoping,” he added, his voice meek and shaking as he spoke. He could hear in Ezra’s response and feel in the way he shook his head slowly against his forehead that this information was painful to hear. “And… after I updated my social media to say I was single and deleted your pictures… I got messages from Hunter and Pierre and I freaked out… and got scared… and I panicked and deleted it without thinking about what I was doing,” he explained, bringing his shoulders up and ducking down into them a little. “I always wanted to hear from you… I just got to the point that I couldn’t handle waiting anymore.”
Ezra’s hand moved up to hold the back of David’s head and he felt tears slipping again from his eyes and rolling down the bridge of his nose. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered again, feeling like he would never be able to say it enough.
“Can I… read the message you tried to send?” David asked hesitantly.
He heard Ezra sniff softly and felt him nod his head and he opened his eyes, watching as Ezra moved to grab his pants from the ground while wiping his eyes. It felt strange that he had never seen Ezra cry during the entire time he had known him up until the night that he left, and that now he had seen him cry so much. That alone could have told David how much Ezra was hurting, if nothing else did. David sat up, taking Ezra’s phone as he passed it to him and sat next to him in bed again. His eyes began to immediately read, hungry for what he had tried to say.
Hey David. I don’t know if you want to hear from me
and I can’t blame you if you don’t. I’m so sorry for what
I did and how I left. I’ve never regretted anything more
in my life than I regret not getting on that plane with you.
I was stupid and a coward and I kept telling myself it
was what was best for you, but the truth is I was scared.
I was scared to disappoint you. I was scared I wasn’t
going to be able to make anything of myself and that
you were going to end up resenting and hating me.
I was scared I was going to be a worthless loser that
was going to drag you down and not be able to give
you everything you deserve in life. But I want it all
with you. I want to be together and get married and
get old, even if all I ever do is work a meaningless
job. I told myself that you deserved better and would
never be happy like that without ever asking what
you felt or what you wanted and I am so sorry for
that. I know I don’t deserve it, I know that I can’t
undo how much I hurt you when I left, but if you
somehow still want it, please tell me and I’ll drop
everything to come be with you. I haven’t stopped
thinking about you and missing you and wishing I
could take back what I did. And if you can’t forgive
me and never want to see or hear from me again
I completely understand why and I would never
hold it against you. No matter what, I will never
forgive myself if I don’t tell you how sorry I am, how
much I wish I could take it all back, and how much I
love you with everything inside of me. Now and for
the rest of my life, I love you, and I’m sorry.
As David read the message, he felt as if the world stopped existing around him, like he was floating weightlessly in space. He felt his limbs start to tingle and his breath start to quicken and his body start to shake, and suddenly he was hyperventilating, knowing that if he had waited even a week to change his phone number he would have gotten this message, that he never would have let Oliver touch him, that he never would have hurt himself. All of it was too much and David began to cry again, taking fast, gasping breaths as his vision shook around him and he lost touch of reality.
He didn’t feel it as Ezra took his phone back or held him to his chest, and he didn’t hear his words of comfort telling him to breathe. He lost himself in the most consuming panic attack he’d ever had, his chest feeling like he was having a heart attack, unable to make any noise other than his desperate attempts at breathing. It felt like everything got blurry, like the room got ten degrees hotter, and suddenly he saw static in front of his eyes, like the world had turned into a black and white TV with poor reception. Ezra forced David to lay down, talking soothingly in his ear, trying to guide him through taking slow, deep breaths. David heard his voice like it was in the back of his mind and he tried to focus on it, to listen to his words, to breathe as Ezra was breathing. Slowly but surely the temperature in the room started to come down, his breath started to regulate, and Ezra’s voice started to sound louder and more real to him.
When at last David became aware of the room around him again and Ezra’s physical touch, he broke down sobbing, rolling into the other boy’s chest and clinging to him. The pain of knowing that none of what he’d put himself through had ever needed to happen surged through his chest and limbs, making his head pound and his heart squeeze as he cried. Ezra had texted him less than a week after he’d changed his number and just days after he’d deleted his social media account and if he had just waited, he would have gotten Ezra’s message, he would have accepted his apology immediately, and they would have been back together before David had lost all sense of hope and had damaged himself so badly. It felt so pointlessly cruel, like the universe or God or whatever you wanted to call it hated him, like he was being punished for some reason unbeknownst to him. The injustice of the timing stuck with him and he couldn’t think of anything else, letting it weigh him down and sink him to the bottom of his despair, unable to claw himself back up to the surface.
Even long after he’d calmed down and stopped crying, David was completely checked out the rest of the night. Ezra tried to bring him back, tried to talk to him, wanting to explain everything and to apologize properly for all that he’d done to him and had caused, but David was gone and nothing he did could wake him up from the lifeless stupor he’d fallen into. Ezra felt like he was looking at a robot that was running on autopilot but just barely so, just enough to blink and to turn in the direction of his voice, but incapable of speech or conscious thought. It was as if David had shut down to protect himself, and it wasn’t until he fell asleep that he seemed to experience any relief from the pain that he was feeling. Ezra wasn’t sure what it was about the apology text that had upset him so deeply that he’d had a panic attack and sobbed until he shut off mentally, and he desperately wanted to know but he knew he wouldn’t be able to get it out of the other boy that night. It was a relief to see David finally asleep, a look of peace mixed with total exhaustion on his face as he did. Ezra laid in bed with him and didn’t let go, afraid that the other boy would wake up and start to panic again if he did. Eventually he drifted off to sleep, too, still holding the other boy in his arms and never once releasing him. Now that he had him back, Ezra never wanted to let David out of his arms again.
Author: shmorgenheigen
Chapter: Forty Four
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 4168
Summary: David Desrosiers is a seventeen year old boy when his father unexpectedly sells his family home, forcing him to move across town and switch schools for his senior year of high school. Having always been the victim of homophobic bullying, the idea of transferring to a new school for his final year isn’t all that uninviting, though when he runs into his toxic ex-boyfriend on his very first day, he suddenly finds himself yearning for the bullying of his old school, instead. David does his best to persevere in the face of an ex that he’s terrified of, intent on keeping his head down and making it through his final year in peace so he can move onto college and begin his adult life.
Disclaimer: Don't know, don't own, didn't happen!
Author's Note: This is an alternate universe story based off of Behind the Net, Behind the Net (Pierre’s POV), and Behind the Net: Across the Distance (A Sequel) where David never joins the hockey team, he and Pierre never become friends and start dating, and instead David is single when he comes across Hunter, Ezra, Noah, and Ben. I had so much fun when writing the sequel to Behind the Net with Hunter and Ezra and the boys, and Pierre was certain at various points during the sequel story David would have forgiven and dated Hunter if he had been single when he met Hunter again, and also that David and Ezra would have fallen for each other if Pierre had never been in the picture. Curiosity led me to thinking way too much about what David actually would have done in a scenario where he and Pierre had never fallen in love. Without dating Pierre and all of the growth and healing he did over the course of their relationship, David would have been a very different person and would have reacted very differently to meeting Hunter again. Before I knew it I got inspired and had to write it. Pierre makes a few guest appearances as a boy from the same small town, of course, but this is not a Pierre/David story, and I think it may actually be my favorite story I’ve ever written. If you give this a read, leave me a comment and let me know!
This story begins in the year 2015
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
The subway ride back to his apartment felt long and tense for both David and Ezra and neither of them spoke at all. David clung to Ezra with one arm wrapped around his back and the other against his stomach, both hands grasping desperate handfuls of his hoodie and refusing to let go. He felt a terror inside of him unlike anything he’d ever known before, terrified that Ezra would disappear if he let go of him, that he would turn his back and walk away again. If Ezra left him again, David knew there was no amount of logic or guilt in the world that would be able to stop him; it would actually kill him, this time. He didn’t want to allow himself to believe that it was real, that Ezra was actually there for him, and that he was never going to leave him again because of the way it would hurt if it ended up not being true, but he couldn’t deny the other boy’s presence and he clutched it desperately, unwilling to release him for fear that he would never see him again.
Ezra’s arm was wrapped securely around David’s back and he grasped onto his shoulder, and even through David’s shirt Ezra could feel how much smaller David was than he had been before. He continued to look down at the other boy and all he could see was how pale he was, and the dark circles under his eyes, and the way his cheek bones were more prominent than they ever had been before. The soft, roundness of his face was gone, and there was no trace of the playful, flirtatious boy he had left behind. His eyes were dull and overflowing with aching, and not once had David smiled even a little bit. Now, as he sat there looking at him, Ezra was confronted fully with what he had done to David and the way the David he had known had all but disappeared. He hated to see it, to see the evidence of how much he had hurt him, to know that David hadn’t moved on and found happiness in New York, that he had been drowning all on his own without anyone to pull him back to the surface. Now Ezra could only hope that it wasn’t too late to help piece him back together.
The moment they were inside his apartment with the door closed and locked behind them, David was grabbing Ezra’s face and kissing him, his aching passion exploding out of him uncontrollably. Ezra tried to pull back, to put distance between them, muttering, “David, we should talk first,” but David just shook his head and cried and kissed him again. As David pulled Ezra into his bedroom and down on top of him in his bed, still Ezra tried to slow them down, to reason that they needed to talk, but David continued to grab at him and kiss him and cry and before he could stop himself Ezra gave in, not wanting to hurt David any more than he already had. He couldn’t stand to deny what David was asking for, not with the way he was crying and pleading.
David was quick to pull off Ezra’s shirt and throw it to the side, and to unbutton and unzip his pants and reach his hand inside. Ezra moaned into David’s mouth at the feel and the two long months without the other boy’s touch overwhelmed his common sense, bringing a haze down over him and making it impossible to think about anything other than David and his body and his touch on his skin. He got lost entirely in it, and soon they were both naked and kissing like they’d never kissed before, hardly coming up for air or opening their eyes.
It was with mild surprise that Ezra watched David reach into his nightstand drawer and get into an already opened box of condoms, something that he and David had never used with each other before and something which Ezra couldn’t understand David’s reason for having. “I don’t have any lube,” David breathed matter of factly, before reconnecting their lips and opening the condom without looking at it. Ezra’s eyebrows pulled together and a slight shudder ran through him at the feel of David rolling the condom down over him. Too quickly David was grabbing his hips and pulling him down, trying to get him to push into him without hesitation or preparation.
“David, wait, I don’t want to hurt you,” Ezra said against his lips, trying to pull back but unable to with David’s hunger for him.
“Just do it, I don’t want to wait,” David breathed in response, taking only the seconds it took to speak away from his lips before he was kissing him again, tears still streaming from his eyes and down the sides of his face. When Ezra hesitated and tried to pull back, David dug his fingers into the skin of his lower back and pressed his forehead against Ezra’s, the softest, “Please...” escaping him.
Again Ezra didn’t know how to deny his desperate plea and he did as David asked, though he was terrified of hurting him and he was slow and cautious as he did. David pulled him in, forcing Ezra in faster than he intended to go and sending his head spinning at the sensation, though he could hear a noise of pain escape the back of David’s throat and again he tried to stop, his eyes opening and filling with tears. Why was David doing this? Why was he so desperate for this that he didn’t care if it hurt him? Still, David bit his lip and dug his fingertips into Ezra’s lower back, looking up at him with devastated eyes and begging again, “Please...”
Ezra dropped his forehead to David’s shoulder and did as was asked of him, feeling the strangest mixture of pleasure and emotional pain, terrified he was hurting David with how fast they were moving after how long it had been since they were together but unable to deny him with the way he was crying and begging for it. He felt David’s hands move up to wrap around his neck and he pulled his body up against his, moving against him, forcing Ezra to go faster than he meant to despite how hard he was trying to be slow and gentle. He could feel that David didn’t want him to be careful, that David wanted him to be rough and fast and to not care about how it might hurt him, but doing so went against Ezra’s very nature and he struggled with it. If David hadn’t been moving his own body he could have controlled it better but he got lost in it, in the way David was holding him, in the desperate, unrestrained noises he was making, in the way he was crying and begging for more. It felt unlike any time he’d ever been with David before and somewhere in the back of his mind, Ezra hated himself for giving into it.
It wasn’t long after they’d finished and had disposed of the condom that they were laying there in each other’s arms and Ezra heard the soft, even sound of David’s breathing, realizing he’d fallen asleep. He looked down at the other boy’s face, able to see how drained and exhausted he was and wanting to let him sleep no matter how badly he knew there were a million things he needed to tell him. Instead Ezra just began to examine him, taking in his gaunt features and realizing immediately that David hadn’t been eating. His eyes trailed down David’s jaw and neck, to his shoulders and collarbone that protruded more than they should have, to his exposed arm that had gotten skinny and looked unnaturally long because of it. And then he noticed bruises, that there were dark bruises all over his upper arm, his forearm, and his wrist. Ezra’s eyebrows pulled together and his mouth fell open as he stared at him, realizing that the only place those bruises could have come from were from another person’s hands and feeling sick. What had David been through?
Very gently so as to not disturb his sleep, Ezra lifted the blanket that covered his torso and saw bruises on his sides and hips, big and dark, and again based on the way that they looked and where they were placed, he could only imagine that they came from hands. His mind flashed back to David reaching into a box of condoms that was already open, about the way he so naturally opened and put it on him without having to look when they had never used them before, and his chest squeezed with pain at the realization that David had been hooking up with someone else, and that whoever it was, that person had been hurting him. He thought back to David’s casual statement that he didn’t have lube, and the way he didn’t care that Ezra couldn’t prepare him first, and that he had insisted that Ezra just go for it, that he had pulled him in impatiently, that he had made noises of pain but hadn’t stopped and instead had forced it to be harder and faster than Ezra would have gone on his own, and suddenly he understood. All at once it all combined to paint a horrifying picture, one of David being with someone who didn’t care about his well being, someone who didn’t care if he entered without preparation or lube, or went too hard and fast, or left bruises on his skin. The reality of it made Ezra start to cry again and he pressed the gentlest kiss he could manage to the top of David’s head, crying as silently as he could into his hair for whatever he had gone through.
Ezra grabbed the hand that rested against his chest and lifted it to his lips, kissing David’s palm with closed eyes and tears running down his cheeks. And then he opened his eyes and he saw something that shocked him into stillness and made him gasp softly. He saw David’s arm covered in cuts both fresh and old, and a fresh wave of pain coursed through him like nothing he’d ever felt before. Not only had David been starving himself, not only had David been getting hurt by someone else, but David had also been hurting himself. In all of the times Ezra had laid in his bed and hoped that David was moving on and doing well, never once had it occurred to him that David could have been hurting himself. There were more cuts on his arm than he could count though guilt still made him try, going from his wrist all the way up his forearm, covering every inch of skin that existed. The one closest to his hand looked so fresh he had to imagine he had just done it the night previously and it killed him to see it and to imagine David alone in his apartment as he cut himself. Ezra couldn’t hold it back as his chest began to shake with sobs and he closed his eyes, leaning his head down and pressing his forehead against David’s scarred wrist.
The movement of his arm and the touch of Ezra’s forehead against him pulled David from the sleep he’d fallen into and he opened his eyes, slowly at first, though the moment he saw the way Ezra was crying and his wrist against his forehead, it all clicked. He took a fast, shaky breath and pulled his arm away, pressing it against his chest to hide what Ezra had clearly just seen. He saw the way that Ezra’s eyes opened and he looked at him like someone he loved had just died, and he realized that he hadn’t thought that far ahead when he’d pulled Ezra into his bed and stripped off his clothing. Ezra wrapped his arms around David’s head and pulled him against his chest, sobbing into his hair and holding him tight, whispering the words, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” over and over.
David just laid against his chest with his eyes wide open, realizing suddenly all of the evidence of harm that covered his body, from the cuts he’d inflicted upon himself to the bruises that Oliver had left on him. He had been so overwhelmed in getting Ezra back and being with him that he hadn’t stopped to think about what would happen when he took his clothes off, when Ezra saw his body again and all of the damage he’d sustained, the cuts that would turn to scars that would perhaps never go away. And then, unable to stop himself, David’s face crumpled and he leaned into Ezra’s chest, digging his fingers into the other boy’s back and crying with him with everything inside of him. He let it all pour out of him, all of the abuse he’d allowed to rain down on him, all of the pain he’d inflicted on himself, all of the agony and the sorrow of Ezra leaving him, all of the hours he’d spent thinking about killing himself… all of it. It ripped from his chest, and suddenly he couldn’t stop the messy sobs that escaped him, or the horrible noises he’d made the night Ezra had left him and the following night when he’d gotten to his apartment alone, noises that he had never intended on letting another person hear but that now he couldn’t keep inside any longer. He felt like he was breaking apart, shattering into a million tiny pieces, and that the only thing holding him from disintegrating entirely was Ezra’s body curled around his.
They stayed like that for a long time until they both went quiet and their bodies stopped racking, simply holding each other when all that was left was shallow, shaky breaths. The words, “I’m so sorry,” kept escaping Ezra without being able to help it. Each time David heard it fresh tears rolled from his eyes but he no longer sobbed and instead he just laid there, weak and crying, unable to move or to speak.
After what felt like hours, David felt Ezra pull back and he looked up at him, his eyes drawn to the other boy’s movement as if by magnets, following him helplessly. He had never seen such pain in Ezra’s face before and he knew without having to be told that Ezra had been suffering too during their time apart. He could see how deeply Ezra still loved him, and how much pain he had been in to be apart, and he couldn't help it as the word, “Why?” escaped him. He watched as Ezra’s eyebrows pulled together and his eyes flooded with tears again, able to see agony and possibly even anger at himself in the other boy’s eyes. “Why did you wait so long?”
Ezra closed his eyes and leaned forward until his forehead rested against David’s, his heart aching as he replied, “I tried to text you six weeks ago… and I got a text back that you changed your number.” The information felt like an anvil dropping into David’s stomach and he stopped breathing, his mouth falling open as he realized what he’d done by changing his number, and that if he’d waited just a little bit longer he would have heard from Ezra. Ezra scrunched his eyebrows together and shook his head a little against David’s forehead as he added, “I was gonna send the message through social media but you deleted it, and I thought…” Ezra’s voice trailed off and guilt tore through him at the way he’d just given up then and there, how it hadn’t occurred to him to show up in person at FIT and find David. David’s chest felt like it was ripping in half at Ezra’s words, knowing that if he hadn’t panicked and deleted his account that Ezra’s message would have gotten to him. “I thought it meant you didn’t want to be contacted and I just… gave up,” Ezra finished, his voice heavy with pain and regret at the assumption he’d made.
David could feel his emotions building up unbearably again inside of him but he tried to push them down. “I was tired of looking at my phone and hoping you’d call or text,” he admitted weakly, leaning forward a little with closed eyes so the tip of his nose pressed against Ezra’s. “I figured… If I changed my number… I would know for sure that you never would and I could stop hoping,” he added, his voice meek and shaking as he spoke. He could hear in Ezra’s response and feel in the way he shook his head slowly against his forehead that this information was painful to hear. “And… after I updated my social media to say I was single and deleted your pictures… I got messages from Hunter and Pierre and I freaked out… and got scared… and I panicked and deleted it without thinking about what I was doing,” he explained, bringing his shoulders up and ducking down into them a little. “I always wanted to hear from you… I just got to the point that I couldn’t handle waiting anymore.”
Ezra’s hand moved up to hold the back of David’s head and he felt tears slipping again from his eyes and rolling down the bridge of his nose. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered again, feeling like he would never be able to say it enough.
“Can I… read the message you tried to send?” David asked hesitantly.
He heard Ezra sniff softly and felt him nod his head and he opened his eyes, watching as Ezra moved to grab his pants from the ground while wiping his eyes. It felt strange that he had never seen Ezra cry during the entire time he had known him up until the night that he left, and that now he had seen him cry so much. That alone could have told David how much Ezra was hurting, if nothing else did. David sat up, taking Ezra’s phone as he passed it to him and sat next to him in bed again. His eyes began to immediately read, hungry for what he had tried to say.
Hey David. I don’t know if you want to hear from me
and I can’t blame you if you don’t. I’m so sorry for what
I did and how I left. I’ve never regretted anything more
in my life than I regret not getting on that plane with you.
I was stupid and a coward and I kept telling myself it
was what was best for you, but the truth is I was scared.
I was scared to disappoint you. I was scared I wasn’t
going to be able to make anything of myself and that
you were going to end up resenting and hating me.
I was scared I was going to be a worthless loser that
was going to drag you down and not be able to give
you everything you deserve in life. But I want it all
with you. I want to be together and get married and
get old, even if all I ever do is work a meaningless
job. I told myself that you deserved better and would
never be happy like that without ever asking what
you felt or what you wanted and I am so sorry for
that. I know I don’t deserve it, I know that I can’t
undo how much I hurt you when I left, but if you
somehow still want it, please tell me and I’ll drop
everything to come be with you. I haven’t stopped
thinking about you and missing you and wishing I
could take back what I did. And if you can’t forgive
me and never want to see or hear from me again
I completely understand why and I would never
hold it against you. No matter what, I will never
forgive myself if I don’t tell you how sorry I am, how
much I wish I could take it all back, and how much I
love you with everything inside of me. Now and for
the rest of my life, I love you, and I’m sorry.
As David read the message, he felt as if the world stopped existing around him, like he was floating weightlessly in space. He felt his limbs start to tingle and his breath start to quicken and his body start to shake, and suddenly he was hyperventilating, knowing that if he had waited even a week to change his phone number he would have gotten this message, that he never would have let Oliver touch him, that he never would have hurt himself. All of it was too much and David began to cry again, taking fast, gasping breaths as his vision shook around him and he lost touch of reality.
He didn’t feel it as Ezra took his phone back or held him to his chest, and he didn’t hear his words of comfort telling him to breathe. He lost himself in the most consuming panic attack he’d ever had, his chest feeling like he was having a heart attack, unable to make any noise other than his desperate attempts at breathing. It felt like everything got blurry, like the room got ten degrees hotter, and suddenly he saw static in front of his eyes, like the world had turned into a black and white TV with poor reception. Ezra forced David to lay down, talking soothingly in his ear, trying to guide him through taking slow, deep breaths. David heard his voice like it was in the back of his mind and he tried to focus on it, to listen to his words, to breathe as Ezra was breathing. Slowly but surely the temperature in the room started to come down, his breath started to regulate, and Ezra’s voice started to sound louder and more real to him.
When at last David became aware of the room around him again and Ezra’s physical touch, he broke down sobbing, rolling into the other boy’s chest and clinging to him. The pain of knowing that none of what he’d put himself through had ever needed to happen surged through his chest and limbs, making his head pound and his heart squeeze as he cried. Ezra had texted him less than a week after he’d changed his number and just days after he’d deleted his social media account and if he had just waited, he would have gotten Ezra’s message, he would have accepted his apology immediately, and they would have been back together before David had lost all sense of hope and had damaged himself so badly. It felt so pointlessly cruel, like the universe or God or whatever you wanted to call it hated him, like he was being punished for some reason unbeknownst to him. The injustice of the timing stuck with him and he couldn’t think of anything else, letting it weigh him down and sink him to the bottom of his despair, unable to claw himself back up to the surface.
Even long after he’d calmed down and stopped crying, David was completely checked out the rest of the night. Ezra tried to bring him back, tried to talk to him, wanting to explain everything and to apologize properly for all that he’d done to him and had caused, but David was gone and nothing he did could wake him up from the lifeless stupor he’d fallen into. Ezra felt like he was looking at a robot that was running on autopilot but just barely so, just enough to blink and to turn in the direction of his voice, but incapable of speech or conscious thought. It was as if David had shut down to protect himself, and it wasn’t until he fell asleep that he seemed to experience any relief from the pain that he was feeling. Ezra wasn’t sure what it was about the apology text that had upset him so deeply that he’d had a panic attack and sobbed until he shut off mentally, and he desperately wanted to know but he knew he wouldn’t be able to get it out of the other boy that night. It was a relief to see David finally asleep, a look of peace mixed with total exhaustion on his face as he did. Ezra laid in bed with him and didn’t let go, afraid that the other boy would wake up and start to panic again if he did. Eventually he drifted off to sleep, too, still holding the other boy in his arms and never once releasing him. Now that he had him back, Ezra never wanted to let David out of his arms again.