do i so worry you? no need to hurry to my side, that's very kind.
But it's to no avail
I don't want the pain of worry too
EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEE!!!!!
BLAH i officially think its better for society for the government to take away my legal right to bare arms.
because, you see, i have a lot of strong feelings. and right now, and for the past few days, the only thing i've really been feeling is hatred. and i think its bad, or at least disconcerting, that i think i could easily kill a few people. right now. and i wouldnt really care, i dont think i would even flinch. just be like 'oh no i made a mess' and that would be that and i'd come back to my room and get back on the computor and then go take a nap.
oh and ps. my mother is a fucking cunt. she hangs up on me on a daily basis. seriously like 50% of our conversations end in me being like 'im sorry, i love you mommy' and then she hangs up on me. and its fucking great. So today i call her because i brutally failed my math midterm, and to tell her so, i dont know why. i guess because when u really do that atroshisly on something, u must tell others. anyway i call her, and tell her i failed my math thing, and she screams at me, so whatever. and then i ask her if she's found my calculator and she explodes and is like 'you are so fucking irresponsible. i give you everything you could ever want and all you do is lose things and fuck everything up.' and im like 'i know'. and she's like 'over spring break you did nothing you were supposed to do and you left all ur shit in my house (its funny cuz i thought that house was my but she made it clear over break that its not) and now i have to pick up ur slack for being lazy and unorganized'. and here's the thing, i didnt say this, but what i wanted to say is:
IT IS A BREAK and i need a break because i am so stressed out all the fucking time. its not like i sit around and watch tv all day, i dont even have a tv. i do homework and thats virtually all i do. plus spring break is a break from here, and a chance to see my friends. and the thing about here is, I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS and nobody likes me, and i am just constantly fuckign lonely and reminded on a hourly basis that im not as pretty or smart or nice or normal as everyone else. so i just wanted to come home, but im pretty fucking sure i dont have a home anymore, so i guess i really dont belong anywhere.
but i didnt say that. instead i said 'i have to go to class, bye'. and hung up. and she called me back while i was in calss and left me a 5 minute message about how she doesn't aappreciate me hanging up on her, and then once again listed whats wrong with me. and it really makes me sad because my mom is the one person who's supposed to see the good in me, like the only person guarenteed to love me unconditionally. and all of break she would just tell me what i needed to get done and how fat i got and all the ways i could fix my being fat, but i dont because im lazy. and then she'd be like 'why do u always leave ur shit around my house' and like made it clear that i dont live there anymore. and she didnt do that to maymay or ryan. they were always aloud to come back when they needed a place to go, but im not. like my parents have said to me 'we've been raising kids for almost 30 years and were done now'. so thats it, which is great, because i dont have anyone here. and im not welcome in the place i grew up in. so that leaves me... alone.
which is better really, because alone is what im used to.
I don't want the pain of worry too
EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEE!!!!!
BLAH i officially think its better for society for the government to take away my legal right to bare arms.
because, you see, i have a lot of strong feelings. and right now, and for the past few days, the only thing i've really been feeling is hatred. and i think its bad, or at least disconcerting, that i think i could easily kill a few people. right now. and i wouldnt really care, i dont think i would even flinch. just be like 'oh no i made a mess' and that would be that and i'd come back to my room and get back on the computor and then go take a nap.
oh and ps. my mother is a fucking cunt. she hangs up on me on a daily basis. seriously like 50% of our conversations end in me being like 'im sorry, i love you mommy' and then she hangs up on me. and its fucking great. So today i call her because i brutally failed my math midterm, and to tell her so, i dont know why. i guess because when u really do that atroshisly on something, u must tell others. anyway i call her, and tell her i failed my math thing, and she screams at me, so whatever. and then i ask her if she's found my calculator and she explodes and is like 'you are so fucking irresponsible. i give you everything you could ever want and all you do is lose things and fuck everything up.' and im like 'i know'. and she's like 'over spring break you did nothing you were supposed to do and you left all ur shit in my house (its funny cuz i thought that house was my but she made it clear over break that its not) and now i have to pick up ur slack for being lazy and unorganized'. and here's the thing, i didnt say this, but what i wanted to say is:
IT IS A BREAK and i need a break because i am so stressed out all the fucking time. its not like i sit around and watch tv all day, i dont even have a tv. i do homework and thats virtually all i do. plus spring break is a break from here, and a chance to see my friends. and the thing about here is, I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS and nobody likes me, and i am just constantly fuckign lonely and reminded on a hourly basis that im not as pretty or smart or nice or normal as everyone else. so i just wanted to come home, but im pretty fucking sure i dont have a home anymore, so i guess i really dont belong anywhere.
but i didnt say that. instead i said 'i have to go to class, bye'. and hung up. and she called me back while i was in calss and left me a 5 minute message about how she doesn't aappreciate me hanging up on her, and then once again listed whats wrong with me. and it really makes me sad because my mom is the one person who's supposed to see the good in me, like the only person guarenteed to love me unconditionally. and all of break she would just tell me what i needed to get done and how fat i got and all the ways i could fix my being fat, but i dont because im lazy. and then she'd be like 'why do u always leave ur shit around my house' and like made it clear that i dont live there anymore. and she didnt do that to maymay or ryan. they were always aloud to come back when they needed a place to go, but im not. like my parents have said to me 'we've been raising kids for almost 30 years and were done now'. so thats it, which is great, because i dont have anyone here. and im not welcome in the place i grew up in. so that leaves me... alone.
which is better really, because alone is what im used to.