im honest with nobody else.

[shizzmitt]

i have too many emotions right now and i cant take it. i cant even write about it. i cant organize it. im not happy. im not sad. im not excited. im not terrified. yet at the same time i think im a little bit (or a lot) of each of those.. which puts me in this state of confusion that i translate into a general inability to accomplish anything. it sucks. ive realized that although i adore all of my close friends.. most of them really arent close anymore. the few friends from high school i keep in touch with and the dwindling handful of college friends i still talk to will all be busy with their senior years of college/life choices/boyfriends.. leaving me to face my own issues without them. i know that they will "always be there for me" if i need them, but it comes down to the fact that they wont understand what im going through and i honestly dont think they will be able to comfort me all that much. im about to move on again and find new friends. its like going away to college but on a completely different plane of existance. this whole summer i just ignored my life. i ignored the fact that im 21, graduated from college, and trying to move to nyc to be a professional dancer/performer. i guess its hard for me to face the facts sometimes. so now here i am, the facts of life proving themselves more each day, leaving me less than one week until i leave, excited and not, prepared and not.
i like new york city.
i like dancing.
i like the subway.
i like being on stage.
i like being independent.
i like adventures.
moving away will be all these things. this is the correct choice. i cant think of anything better. i really cant. i cant stay here. i cant think of anywhere else i would go to start my life outside of school. all i need is a couple leotards, tights, some dance shoes, and a little bit of motivation. right? i will get a job dancing. i will get a job dancing!