(no subject)
I was really hoping for a snow day yesterday. I felt like I was walking in a movie scene in the morning, some isolated tundra. Didn't happen. I was totally confident that there would be a snow day today. Didn't happen. This pretty annoying girl who I hope never becomes a professor because she will scare undergrads away complained of our lack of snow day(s) during English today. My English professor said it best. She summed up all of the thoughts I've been thinking about lately. And all she said was, "You're a grown up. You don't get snow days anymore."
20 years old and still haven't grown up. Still too proud to take responsibility, knowing that responsibility leads to failure and failure leads to lacking confidence and lacking confidence means the inability to take risks which leads to more failure, and not better failure. The struggle against self-awareness continues. I look back at my three years of college and wonder, did I really progress from the mental state I arrived with? Maybe it's the melancholy of winter and the constant bleakness and the sun's mocking nature that makes me think I haven't changed, other than understanding social constructs a bit more and knowing how to draw a molecule. I can't believe that in a year, I'll be entirely immersed in science. Depressing thought numero uno. Well, I'll give myself credit. This past weekend, when a friend claimed that so and so was interested, I didn't really care. I guess I'm over the romantic construct, if anything. Sunday didn't feel like Valentine's Day. Probably because I attended a funeral and actually heard the disturbing sounds of metal cremating a body.
A few weeks ago, I craved for Sophomore year. Because there was a hope of revitalizing what once was and it felt real. But time has made things so awkward. I can't imagine that anymore. I need to think of a topic for my senior year thesis. Can't do it. I need to start studying for my MCAT. Don't feel like it. I need to get A's in my science classes this semester. Seems impossible. I'm hungry and tired and my car is snowed in. Eff eff eff. I also need to start going on dates and learning how to interview and actually show some interest in my life before it becomes some wasteland foreal. When did I become so awkward? It's a different sort of awkward now. It's not the dorky high school awkward. It's a legit social awkwardness. I'll blame it on the alcohol. I don't even think drinking is all that fun anymore.
I tried so hard to make new journals for my new, "mature" thoughts. But I'm still so attached to this stupid thing.
20 years old and still haven't grown up. Still too proud to take responsibility, knowing that responsibility leads to failure and failure leads to lacking confidence and lacking confidence means the inability to take risks which leads to more failure, and not better failure. The struggle against self-awareness continues. I look back at my three years of college and wonder, did I really progress from the mental state I arrived with? Maybe it's the melancholy of winter and the constant bleakness and the sun's mocking nature that makes me think I haven't changed, other than understanding social constructs a bit more and knowing how to draw a molecule. I can't believe that in a year, I'll be entirely immersed in science. Depressing thought numero uno. Well, I'll give myself credit. This past weekend, when a friend claimed that so and so was interested, I didn't really care. I guess I'm over the romantic construct, if anything. Sunday didn't feel like Valentine's Day. Probably because I attended a funeral and actually heard the disturbing sounds of metal cremating a body.
A few weeks ago, I craved for Sophomore year. Because there was a hope of revitalizing what once was and it felt real. But time has made things so awkward. I can't imagine that anymore. I need to think of a topic for my senior year thesis. Can't do it. I need to start studying for my MCAT. Don't feel like it. I need to get A's in my science classes this semester. Seems impossible. I'm hungry and tired and my car is snowed in. Eff eff eff. I also need to start going on dates and learning how to interview and actually show some interest in my life before it becomes some wasteland foreal. When did I become so awkward? It's a different sort of awkward now. It's not the dorky high school awkward. It's a legit social awkwardness. I'll blame it on the alcohol. I don't even think drinking is all that fun anymore.
I tried so hard to make new journals for my new, "mature" thoughts. But I'm still so attached to this stupid thing.