Frozen
So I watched Frozen. I cried. I actually cried.
Me. I did that.
It was Elsa, really. I felt a certain kinship with the Winter Queen. I really hated Ana for a moment during "For The First Time In Forever".
Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show
Don't let them in. It's just for a day.
Watching Elsa struggle not to get found out...it hurt to watch. It hurt like a physical blow. It felt all too familiar. Too many memories of me hiding while struggling with my gender and sexual identity (which are two different things!) as an adolescent. I felt a yawning hurt, watching Elsa holding it all back, to try to be "a good girl" and not let them see who she really was, what she could really do. I identified so much with that moment, I remembered how it felt like to be young and scared and isolated again.
It's easy to let time wash away these things. I'm back to hiding again, where I am. It's easy to spout things that I find disgusting inside, just to blend in. I hate myself for saying the things I do to blend in. To be someone not entirely myself. Locking away one part of me because I don't ever want anyone to touch the deepest part of me, because nothing good ever comes of it...yeah, I can see why Elsa spent half her life locked inside her room because she was scared.
I'm scared. I know it doesn't matter, but, fear isn't rational. The people who already know, know. Those who don't, don't. Why should I share what's private with others? It's not like telling anyone solved anything. I'm still me. It's a part of me that won't ever go away. It's a part of me I can't change. That I don't want or need to change. And yet, the things I do to hide it...it's almost as if I'm ashamed.
When the real reason is that I'm scared. I don't want to be different. More different than I already am. A part of me wants to be that good girl too, but I'm not, not really, and it hurts, alright? To be oppressed by default. And by the people who love me, or claim to do so. It cuts deep. I remember. I remember too much.
I don't forget. That's the bad part. I remember being slapped for saying who I might be. How to love and trust like this when you get rejected by those closest to you?
That's why watching Frozen and hearing Elsa sing Let It Go was so affecting.
Couldn't keep it in, heavens know I tried
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
I'm still in this phase. Halfway. If not for the internets and all the likeminded people out there, I would still be in my very skeleton filled closet and never seeing the light of day.
Even with those closest to me. As in, people I actually see. Of course. I have no close friends who understand, who really understand, what it's like. Oh, they pay lip service to it. They kind of accept it. They just don't talk about it and how could I blame them? They have no point of reference to it. And those who do...well, some of them want to put it far behind them, and I don't blame them either. It's not an easy identity to embrace.
I want to be able to sing Let It Go someday too, and mean it. It's like a serious LGBT theme song for us growing up. But it's so bittersweet, so much like life itself.
Let it go, let it go, you'll never see me cry
Here I stand, here I stay
Let the storm rage on
It broke my heart to see it. I wept because I still haven't gone past the whole ice-castle-in-the-mountains phase. With eternal winter swirling all around and an ice golem outside my doors. And no Olaf. I fail with no Olaf. XD
Also, no one's going to rescue me. I don't wish, I won't even start. (see what I did there :P)
Favourite word from Let it Go? Frozen Fractals. I don't even know why. It's such a pretty word. All sharp and shiny and gorgeous! Frozen, like an icy crystal sculpture...
The cold never bothered me anyway~
Me. I did that.
It was Elsa, really. I felt a certain kinship with the Winter Queen. I really hated Ana for a moment during "For The First Time In Forever".
Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show
Don't let them in. It's just for a day.
Watching Elsa struggle not to get found out...it hurt to watch. It hurt like a physical blow. It felt all too familiar. Too many memories of me hiding while struggling with my gender and sexual identity (which are two different things!) as an adolescent. I felt a yawning hurt, watching Elsa holding it all back, to try to be "a good girl" and not let them see who she really was, what she could really do. I identified so much with that moment, I remembered how it felt like to be young and scared and isolated again.
It's easy to let time wash away these things. I'm back to hiding again, where I am. It's easy to spout things that I find disgusting inside, just to blend in. I hate myself for saying the things I do to blend in. To be someone not entirely myself. Locking away one part of me because I don't ever want anyone to touch the deepest part of me, because nothing good ever comes of it...yeah, I can see why Elsa spent half her life locked inside her room because she was scared.
I'm scared. I know it doesn't matter, but, fear isn't rational. The people who already know, know. Those who don't, don't. Why should I share what's private with others? It's not like telling anyone solved anything. I'm still me. It's a part of me that won't ever go away. It's a part of me I can't change. That I don't want or need to change. And yet, the things I do to hide it...it's almost as if I'm ashamed.
When the real reason is that I'm scared. I don't want to be different. More different than I already am. A part of me wants to be that good girl too, but I'm not, not really, and it hurts, alright? To be oppressed by default. And by the people who love me, or claim to do so. It cuts deep. I remember. I remember too much.
I don't forget. That's the bad part. I remember being slapped for saying who I might be. How to love and trust like this when you get rejected by those closest to you?
That's why watching Frozen and hearing Elsa sing Let It Go was so affecting.
Couldn't keep it in, heavens know I tried
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
I'm still in this phase. Halfway. If not for the internets and all the likeminded people out there, I would still be in my very skeleton filled closet and never seeing the light of day.
Even with those closest to me. As in, people I actually see. Of course. I have no close friends who understand, who really understand, what it's like. Oh, they pay lip service to it. They kind of accept it. They just don't talk about it and how could I blame them? They have no point of reference to it. And those who do...well, some of them want to put it far behind them, and I don't blame them either. It's not an easy identity to embrace.
I want to be able to sing Let It Go someday too, and mean it. It's like a serious LGBT theme song for us growing up. But it's so bittersweet, so much like life itself.
Let it go, let it go, you'll never see me cry
Here I stand, here I stay
Let the storm rage on
It broke my heart to see it. I wept because I still haven't gone past the whole ice-castle-in-the-mountains phase. With eternal winter swirling all around and an ice golem outside my doors. And no Olaf. I fail with no Olaf. XD
Also, no one's going to rescue me. I don't wish, I won't even start. (see what I did there :P)
Favourite word from Let it Go? Frozen Fractals. I don't even know why. It's such a pretty word. All sharp and shiny and gorgeous! Frozen, like an icy crystal sculpture...
The cold never bothered me anyway~