(no subject)
That moment when you think "I'm too goddamn serious for my own good", and then you laugh at how silly it is said out loud.
I am grateful for a great number of things. I learned, from one disastrous, misplaced emotion, the difference between gratitude and love. I learned that to be close to someone, you first have to trust them. No wonder I am always alone in the end; I trust no one.
I learned that loss can be a good thing. That it really is better to have loved, however little, and lost, than never to have loved at all. That it isn't just a lame cliche, that it means something. I learned what it feels like to be completely foolish and let something go when you never wanted to let go, but that letting go was better than holding on, because it was hurting more to be together than to be apart. To learn that you can learn to love someone, however slowly, and not realize it until they've gone that you did in fact grow to care.
I still haven't learned what it is like to be head over heels in love. Too cautious, too distrustful, too frightened of that unwavering level of commitment. I haven't learned how to be kind to others, least of all to myself. I haven't learned how to trust others, how to let them in, how to bear the weight of their caring and not collapse under the terror of being emotionally involved to any extent.
It really is easier to live without a heart. Easier, not better. Learning to love is pretty damn hard though. Awkward baby steps, cautious interactions, steeling oneself whenever you have to reach out in anyway. Like sticking your hand into a nest of rattlesnakes. A completely inability to read social cues. Too often being too comfortable in my own head, too secure in my own silence, that I ceased trying to reach out, to explain, to communicate effectively.
I don't know if I can change. I don't know if I want to change. I don't know if I can ever find anyone who can put up with my silences, my fits of ill temper, my sullen stubbornness, my whimsical impulses. I would someday like to be able to take long walks with someone, not having to say anything, just walking and enjoying the weather, the skies, and each other's company. I don't need their love...I think. I don't know if I can deal with love. I think I finally understand why someone thanked me for doing nothing except read quietly with her for the space of an hour. We never spoke, did not interact, just did our own thing on opposite sides of a table. I will be grateful simply for a friendship like that. No need for chatter, for meaningless gestures or activity. Just a calm solitude, a steady companionship. Utterly boring, and impossible to find. Ah, it is but a good memory. A memory I am honored to have.
I should probably get a dog or something, if that's what I want. Haha. Yeah, a dog would be good. To go for long walks with, to be a faithful companion, to be there no matter what, as long as I care for it. Yeah, that would do it. That's what I need. I can barely find more than a few people I can count on both hands with whom I can have long and meaningful conversations with. I might as well have a dog and spare myself the disappointment.
Funny how that worked out in my head. Lol.
I am grateful for a great number of things. I learned, from one disastrous, misplaced emotion, the difference between gratitude and love. I learned that to be close to someone, you first have to trust them. No wonder I am always alone in the end; I trust no one.
I learned that loss can be a good thing. That it really is better to have loved, however little, and lost, than never to have loved at all. That it isn't just a lame cliche, that it means something. I learned what it feels like to be completely foolish and let something go when you never wanted to let go, but that letting go was better than holding on, because it was hurting more to be together than to be apart. To learn that you can learn to love someone, however slowly, and not realize it until they've gone that you did in fact grow to care.
I still haven't learned what it is like to be head over heels in love. Too cautious, too distrustful, too frightened of that unwavering level of commitment. I haven't learned how to be kind to others, least of all to myself. I haven't learned how to trust others, how to let them in, how to bear the weight of their caring and not collapse under the terror of being emotionally involved to any extent.
It really is easier to live without a heart. Easier, not better. Learning to love is pretty damn hard though. Awkward baby steps, cautious interactions, steeling oneself whenever you have to reach out in anyway. Like sticking your hand into a nest of rattlesnakes. A completely inability to read social cues. Too often being too comfortable in my own head, too secure in my own silence, that I ceased trying to reach out, to explain, to communicate effectively.
I don't know if I can change. I don't know if I want to change. I don't know if I can ever find anyone who can put up with my silences, my fits of ill temper, my sullen stubbornness, my whimsical impulses. I would someday like to be able to take long walks with someone, not having to say anything, just walking and enjoying the weather, the skies, and each other's company. I don't need their love...I think. I don't know if I can deal with love. I think I finally understand why someone thanked me for doing nothing except read quietly with her for the space of an hour. We never spoke, did not interact, just did our own thing on opposite sides of a table. I will be grateful simply for a friendship like that. No need for chatter, for meaningless gestures or activity. Just a calm solitude, a steady companionship. Utterly boring, and impossible to find. Ah, it is but a good memory. A memory I am honored to have.
I should probably get a dog or something, if that's what I want. Haha. Yeah, a dog would be good. To go for long walks with, to be a faithful companion, to be there no matter what, as long as I care for it. Yeah, that would do it. That's what I need. I can barely find more than a few people I can count on both hands with whom I can have long and meaningful conversations with. I might as well have a dog and spare myself the disappointment.
Funny how that worked out in my head. Lol.