Ramblings
It's been a while since my last post.
I usually tweet thoughts on the go, but since I find myself in front of my computer with some time to spare and thoughts unravelling, I might as well bite the bullet and lay it out properly. Structure things, since I need to stop thinking in 140 characters. Haha.
Honestly, what prompted me to post was mostly a response to someone else's post. I don't even know this person. I have never met her, will likely never meet her, have never spoken to her, and probably don't want to do so. Because I have the feeling that we would either hate each other's guts or fall in love, and then end up killing each other either way. XD
It was like looking at a mirror. A writer, deeply passionate, hides in words and masks with logic. I don't even know her, but her words scream her out like so many symphonies. I've read her work, she is the better writer. Her fire is sensual, mine tends towards anger. But I can manage sensual sometimes...impaired by the fact that I've never had any experience, whereas she obviously has.
But I digress. The post I read helped me understand something fundamental about myself. The nature of the problem I had, the barriers I put up around myself that ultimately led to the crumbling of my last relationship. I couldn't let it go. I just couldn't. It was made worse by the distance, because she wasn't there to coax me to relax. I needed the contact. I needed her presence to reassure me. She's insecure? I'm a thousand times worse. I might put up a strong front, but the fact is that I'm useless without that physical touch, the reality of you being there, next to me, to know that I am wanted. To know that you will not turn me away.
Even if I intellectually accept those things, my mental block is so strong that it needs more than just words to break down. I freeze, I stop responding, fear paralyzes me. It's a shameful weakness. I see it clearly now, and regret my immaturity, my childish anger at lashing out. I was not being fair, but frankly speaking, she wasn't ready to deal with my crap on top of her own. Neither of us were ready for anything more. I should have been more honest. Should have stopped to think, to analyze my own responses. But I was wrapped up in the hurt, and let the hurt project instead. Well, it was my first time being in something serious. I honestly tried to step back and think from her point of view, and while I do understand where she was coming from, I do have a temper, and it was one of the times I exploded (belatedly, but the explosion came anyway, even if it wasn't quite as damaging as it could have been).
Honestly, the closer someone comes to me, the harder I shove them away. It's counter-productive, I acknowledge. It's a learned response I desperately need to unlearn. I shut down the moment someone attempts to engage me beyond my mask. I smile and brush off any attempts to break through. The mask lets me pretend all is well. It keeps people from prodding at my wounds. It also frustrates anyone who tries to get to know the real me. To anyone who wants to get me to open up.
I know these things. But despite my knowledge on what needs to be done, I am paralyzed by my own trap. It would have been so much easier if I could have just told her, honestly and probably long-windedly, to try and explain something I don't even fully understand myself, this debiliating terror of mine. The fears, the insecurities. Not good enough, who'd want you? Failure, loser. Ugly ugly ugly.
I've only recently started to overcome the idea that I'm ugly. But I'm pretty sure I'm plain at best. I never believe it when people compliment me on my looks -- no one ever does, except people who already love me, or say they do, and I can't trust their opinion because they love me....I know my logic sucks. XD Compliments are nice, like a temporary ego boost, but they do nothing to solve the real problem. It's like getting immunization jabs that wear out after a while. Until I can fix what's wrong inside, no amount of compliments and encouragement is going to solve things. They help, but until I can stand up on my own and see with my own inner eyes that even someone like me can be beautiful, the same problems will repeat.
It's not even a problem about looks in the end. I don't dislike my appearance THAT badly. I'm just convinced that I'm an ugly person...as in personality. I do have some horrible character traits. I'm lazy, slovenly, and caustic. I'm rude and arrogant and shamelessly self centered. I might not be evil, but I fall so far short of my standards as a "good person" (which are wonderfully and out-of-this-world unrealistic, I admit) that it depresses me. Yes, I set myself impossible standards then hate myself for failing to make the grade. I think I have a thing for self-torture. Lol.
Self-hatred aside (and I have tons of it), I feel like I don't deserve love. Or anything good. I keep telling myself otherwise, but I still slip up sometimes. It's deeply embedded in my subconscious. It's not an issue that will magically disappear in weeks or months. I have no idea how to fix it. I'm trying to grow up, trying to like myself more (ha, good luck with that one), trying to not be a complete bastard to the people who care (failing, failing...STILL TRYING).
Do I understand love? I only have a twisted little emotion in that gnarled thing that passes for a heart in my chest. To possess, to control, to dominate. To have. I tried burying it. I tossed it aside (mostly..) and tried to make her happy by doing exactly what I thought she wanted me to do (protip: it doesn't work that way. note to self: investigate other avenues). But I completely missed the point. She wanted, needed me to be open with her. To share my sorrows, my fears, my burdens. I was treating her the same way emotionally as before we got together, that is, I told her things, but I kept most of my worries and fears to myself while making light of my situation as I always did. I didn't even recognize what I was doing at the time. It helped to have lots of time to myself to think. What can I say, I'm slow at anything that requires me to reflect on my own emotional state. I'm too used to ignoring them and shutting them out and walling them away so I don't have to deal with all that crap. It allowed me to function...at the bare minimum. But putting my hurt away didn't allow it to heal. I'm still in pain from things that happened years and years ago. Time doesn't make it any better if you don't let it heal. It just allows you to pretend to forget it ever existed. But it's still there, for when you stumble on something that reveals its presence.
I have so many things locked up inside me. I want to scream and cry and shout it all out to a world that doesn't care about listening. I want to stand on my own personal soapbox, and say "This is me. I am here. Look at me." I want to tell the world what I think. I want to cry and laugh and be angry and happy and sad. I want to smile because I'm happy, not because not smiling means I would cry. I want to be able to cry and say "I'm in pain, I am sad, I wish you were here, I wish you would listen". I want to be able to smile and say what I really feel, to thank the people I need to thank, to let them know how much they matter, how much I care. I'm so tired of hiding what I feel, but I don't even know where to start to tell people. I'm afraid that people would hate me if I'm honest. They already hate how I am dishonest. As I am wont to say, "think you're offended by me now? wait till you hear the things I'm NOT saying". I can be a right bastard, I know. But that's not always. I do have a heart underneath all that sarcasm. It just doesn't show very well. Shy, you see.
I need to change. I need to be a better person. Not for anyone, but for myself. Because I'm going to torture myself to death at this rate, and go miserable to a lonely grave. I need to learn how to trust.
...though I wish some people have better timing when they ask me things. Honestly. I am not going to open up to you in the middle of the street in public. I have problems enough trying to talk about things in a small, intimate setting. Baby steps. I need to learn how to crawl before I even attempt to toddle along. Good god, emotionally a baby. *facepalms* Can this potentially get any worse? Wait, I better not jinx it. XD
I'm so tired. Emotionally speaking. I haven't had a place to just relax, to let my guard down. In at least 6 months. Or was it longer?
I miss my cousin. I could hug her, just sit next to her, and generally be around her whenever I needed to fulfill my emotional quota. I've been starved of emotional and physical contact for months on end. There were times when I wanted to go out and just find a one night stand, because I couldn't stand being alone anymore. Even meaningless contact would be better than nothing at all. Fortunately, good sense prevailed. I would have hated myself more if I had done that.
It's nice when I talk to friends. When I spend time with them. The conversation helps. It recharges me a little. But I'm missing something even more essential. I'm missing unguarded time. I miss an implicit trust, that I would not be turned away. I miss being able to flop, no questions asked, and not expect or be expected from. I don't even need your love, if it comes down to that. I barely love myself. But it's nice to be accepted. To be able to relax. To know I'm not hated. To know that even as I am, someone will still embrace me as myself.
But I lost all right to that. I have only one route left, and that is forward. I can't look back anymore. No use regretting the stupidity of youth -- and it was foolish. I don't know how to love, and I should never have expectations. The best I can hope for is genuine affection. I know how to be a friend. A warrior. A philosopher. Little more, little less.
But I am thankful. That I have friends who stand by me despite my outbursts. Despite my foolishness. Despite my raging emo fits. Despite my childishness. They could have abandoned me. They didn't. Even if they wanted to, I would not have blamed them for feeling that way. I am a difficult person to love, much less tolerate. I will try to be less difficult. It won't be easy. I'll smile when I'm happy and cry when I'm sad. I can do that at least. I'll try and remember.
I need to pick myself up. No one will save me. Only I can do that.
I usually tweet thoughts on the go, but since I find myself in front of my computer with some time to spare and thoughts unravelling, I might as well bite the bullet and lay it out properly. Structure things, since I need to stop thinking in 140 characters. Haha.
Honestly, what prompted me to post was mostly a response to someone else's post. I don't even know this person. I have never met her, will likely never meet her, have never spoken to her, and probably don't want to do so. Because I have the feeling that we would either hate each other's guts or fall in love, and then end up killing each other either way. XD
It was like looking at a mirror. A writer, deeply passionate, hides in words and masks with logic. I don't even know her, but her words scream her out like so many symphonies. I've read her work, she is the better writer. Her fire is sensual, mine tends towards anger. But I can manage sensual sometimes...impaired by the fact that I've never had any experience, whereas she obviously has.
But I digress. The post I read helped me understand something fundamental about myself. The nature of the problem I had, the barriers I put up around myself that ultimately led to the crumbling of my last relationship. I couldn't let it go. I just couldn't. It was made worse by the distance, because she wasn't there to coax me to relax. I needed the contact. I needed her presence to reassure me. She's insecure? I'm a thousand times worse. I might put up a strong front, but the fact is that I'm useless without that physical touch, the reality of you being there, next to me, to know that I am wanted. To know that you will not turn me away.
Even if I intellectually accept those things, my mental block is so strong that it needs more than just words to break down. I freeze, I stop responding, fear paralyzes me. It's a shameful weakness. I see it clearly now, and regret my immaturity, my childish anger at lashing out. I was not being fair, but frankly speaking, she wasn't ready to deal with my crap on top of her own. Neither of us were ready for anything more. I should have been more honest. Should have stopped to think, to analyze my own responses. But I was wrapped up in the hurt, and let the hurt project instead. Well, it was my first time being in something serious. I honestly tried to step back and think from her point of view, and while I do understand where she was coming from, I do have a temper, and it was one of the times I exploded (belatedly, but the explosion came anyway, even if it wasn't quite as damaging as it could have been).
Honestly, the closer someone comes to me, the harder I shove them away. It's counter-productive, I acknowledge. It's a learned response I desperately need to unlearn. I shut down the moment someone attempts to engage me beyond my mask. I smile and brush off any attempts to break through. The mask lets me pretend all is well. It keeps people from prodding at my wounds. It also frustrates anyone who tries to get to know the real me. To anyone who wants to get me to open up.
I know these things. But despite my knowledge on what needs to be done, I am paralyzed by my own trap. It would have been so much easier if I could have just told her, honestly and probably long-windedly, to try and explain something I don't even fully understand myself, this debiliating terror of mine. The fears, the insecurities. Not good enough, who'd want you? Failure, loser. Ugly ugly ugly.
I've only recently started to overcome the idea that I'm ugly. But I'm pretty sure I'm plain at best. I never believe it when people compliment me on my looks -- no one ever does, except people who already love me, or say they do, and I can't trust their opinion because they love me....I know my logic sucks. XD Compliments are nice, like a temporary ego boost, but they do nothing to solve the real problem. It's like getting immunization jabs that wear out after a while. Until I can fix what's wrong inside, no amount of compliments and encouragement is going to solve things. They help, but until I can stand up on my own and see with my own inner eyes that even someone like me can be beautiful, the same problems will repeat.
It's not even a problem about looks in the end. I don't dislike my appearance THAT badly. I'm just convinced that I'm an ugly person...as in personality. I do have some horrible character traits. I'm lazy, slovenly, and caustic. I'm rude and arrogant and shamelessly self centered. I might not be evil, but I fall so far short of my standards as a "good person" (which are wonderfully and out-of-this-world unrealistic, I admit) that it depresses me. Yes, I set myself impossible standards then hate myself for failing to make the grade. I think I have a thing for self-torture. Lol.
Self-hatred aside (and I have tons of it), I feel like I don't deserve love. Or anything good. I keep telling myself otherwise, but I still slip up sometimes. It's deeply embedded in my subconscious. It's not an issue that will magically disappear in weeks or months. I have no idea how to fix it. I'm trying to grow up, trying to like myself more (ha, good luck with that one), trying to not be a complete bastard to the people who care (failing, failing...STILL TRYING).
Do I understand love? I only have a twisted little emotion in that gnarled thing that passes for a heart in my chest. To possess, to control, to dominate. To have. I tried burying it. I tossed it aside (mostly..) and tried to make her happy by doing exactly what I thought she wanted me to do (protip: it doesn't work that way. note to self: investigate other avenues). But I completely missed the point. She wanted, needed me to be open with her. To share my sorrows, my fears, my burdens. I was treating her the same way emotionally as before we got together, that is, I told her things, but I kept most of my worries and fears to myself while making light of my situation as I always did. I didn't even recognize what I was doing at the time. It helped to have lots of time to myself to think. What can I say, I'm slow at anything that requires me to reflect on my own emotional state. I'm too used to ignoring them and shutting them out and walling them away so I don't have to deal with all that crap. It allowed me to function...at the bare minimum. But putting my hurt away didn't allow it to heal. I'm still in pain from things that happened years and years ago. Time doesn't make it any better if you don't let it heal. It just allows you to pretend to forget it ever existed. But it's still there, for when you stumble on something that reveals its presence.
I have so many things locked up inside me. I want to scream and cry and shout it all out to a world that doesn't care about listening. I want to stand on my own personal soapbox, and say "This is me. I am here. Look at me." I want to tell the world what I think. I want to cry and laugh and be angry and happy and sad. I want to smile because I'm happy, not because not smiling means I would cry. I want to be able to cry and say "I'm in pain, I am sad, I wish you were here, I wish you would listen". I want to be able to smile and say what I really feel, to thank the people I need to thank, to let them know how much they matter, how much I care. I'm so tired of hiding what I feel, but I don't even know where to start to tell people. I'm afraid that people would hate me if I'm honest. They already hate how I am dishonest. As I am wont to say, "think you're offended by me now? wait till you hear the things I'm NOT saying". I can be a right bastard, I know. But that's not always. I do have a heart underneath all that sarcasm. It just doesn't show very well. Shy, you see.
I need to change. I need to be a better person. Not for anyone, but for myself. Because I'm going to torture myself to death at this rate, and go miserable to a lonely grave. I need to learn how to trust.
...though I wish some people have better timing when they ask me things. Honestly. I am not going to open up to you in the middle of the street in public. I have problems enough trying to talk about things in a small, intimate setting. Baby steps. I need to learn how to crawl before I even attempt to toddle along. Good god, emotionally a baby. *facepalms* Can this potentially get any worse? Wait, I better not jinx it. XD
I'm so tired. Emotionally speaking. I haven't had a place to just relax, to let my guard down. In at least 6 months. Or was it longer?
I miss my cousin. I could hug her, just sit next to her, and generally be around her whenever I needed to fulfill my emotional quota. I've been starved of emotional and physical contact for months on end. There were times when I wanted to go out and just find a one night stand, because I couldn't stand being alone anymore. Even meaningless contact would be better than nothing at all. Fortunately, good sense prevailed. I would have hated myself more if I had done that.
It's nice when I talk to friends. When I spend time with them. The conversation helps. It recharges me a little. But I'm missing something even more essential. I'm missing unguarded time. I miss an implicit trust, that I would not be turned away. I miss being able to flop, no questions asked, and not expect or be expected from. I don't even need your love, if it comes down to that. I barely love myself. But it's nice to be accepted. To be able to relax. To know I'm not hated. To know that even as I am, someone will still embrace me as myself.
But I lost all right to that. I have only one route left, and that is forward. I can't look back anymore. No use regretting the stupidity of youth -- and it was foolish. I don't know how to love, and I should never have expectations. The best I can hope for is genuine affection. I know how to be a friend. A warrior. A philosopher. Little more, little less.
But I am thankful. That I have friends who stand by me despite my outbursts. Despite my foolishness. Despite my raging emo fits. Despite my childishness. They could have abandoned me. They didn't. Even if they wanted to, I would not have blamed them for feeling that way. I am a difficult person to love, much less tolerate. I will try to be less difficult. It won't be easy. I'll smile when I'm happy and cry when I'm sad. I can do that at least. I'll try and remember.
I need to pick myself up. No one will save me. Only I can do that.