Its both amusing and frightening to me that we are both still as alike as we have always been. I don't know if that means that I have not changed as much as I feel I have or if you just don't realize the things I have come to understand.
Maybe both, haha.
I won't pretend to be wise; I'm not, and I never have been, and life never fails to remind me of my shortcomings. However, I will say that in being so like you, I know how you feel. To get to those moments where you're left with you and your brain and the reality of who you really are is nothing short of agonizing.
But what I've learned--and perhaps this is merely a side effect of finding a friend who refuses to leave me alone, regardless of how I lash out, or push away, or retreat--is that no matter what you do, or what you say, or what you've been through, everybody deserves to be loved. You are not so broken and can never be such that you will lose that, I promise you, regardless of what your mind or anyone else tells you.
You can take or leave what I've said--I was just passing through to see how you were doing like I do from time to time (creeper, I know, jeez lol). But if its any comfort at all, know that I still love and care about you, even if not in the way you seek. And even if you've forgotten me or don't care about me anymore, that won't change. :) ever.
Fimmy! I was just thinking of you earlier. I am so glad that you are still around.
And I'm glad you remember me, because I definitely remember you. I miss you terribly too, believe it or not. I was afraid that you'd forget me, or that you'd move on and leave me behind, or that we've grown so apart that there wouldn't be any common ground.
I always feel appalled, relieved and ashamed (all at the same time) that despite all I have done and probably am still doing, my friends still refuse to leave me alone. That even in all my selfishness, they didn't give up -- even though they've considered the option once or twice. Maybe more.
But it remains that they're still here, and I'm going "why?". I wish I could be more open, to be more real, but then I found out that I just instinctively keep people at arm's length. When I choose to connect, I do so without holding back...and that's a huge step to take. It frustrates me when I hold myself back because I don't want to push people sometimes, so I just start being bipolar and pull away even though all I want to do is be closer.
But enough about that. I'm glad you still check around! I have so much to tell you, really. And I really want to know how you've been. I'm sure I missed so much that has happened in your life. I'm glad that our brain connection is still kind of active, since I was seriously thinking about you, and here you are. XD Some things just don't change, and in this case I'm glad they don't! :)
Forget you? :) how could I. You were such an important part of my life and my support system. I won't ever forget you. My only regret is that I'm not able to speak with you as much or as freely as we used to. Though I'm so freakin excited you responded at all and that you remember me too. I was really hesitant to post at all, but then I felt like I just had to reach out, like, 'screw it all if she's forgotten or hates me, that's my friend.' And you always will be. :)
Everything you're saying--about wondering why your friends are still around, about pushing away when you really want to reach out--I completely get all that. There was a time this last semester when I literally locked myself in my dorm room with my best friend outside banging on it, screaming to let her in and every time I shouted "go away!", inside I really thought, 'please go get a battering ram or something, don't leave me alone here...'
I really wish I knew the remedy for this problem. All I can say is that it was much worse for me when I got to college since I got to the point where I was literally a mute for a while, and through patience and kindness I just started pushing through it. That's why I think you can get through it too. You were always much stronger than me. :) (its saying I have a post limit or some nonsense like that, so this is gonna be split in two. Haha)
Its so good to know that you've missed me and thought of me. I thought for sure when I disappeared that that would be the end of our friendship... I know its not much, but ill give you a summary of my life since then. I'm sure you can deduce that my absence has been my parents' doing. They found out I was talking to you guys again and my attendance at uni was threatened since they're paying half my way. I couldn't risk losing my place at school... so even though I probably could have kept on talking to y'all (since the main reason they were pissed was because of that brief time Sai and I were together again, and the day they confronted me was the day we broke up again lol) I decided my future wasn't something I needed to risk. I got really depressed. It was hard for me to make friends, and the ones I had weren't very close. I was feeling fairly... suicidal.
Then second semester rolled around and I decided to make what I thought at the time was going to be the dumbest decision of my life. I joined a sorority. I'll pause, let that sink in for you, and imagine the look on your face.
That's a pretty funny face, haha.
Anyway, I thought that if I had no friends, joining would be an easy way to make them. At first, I was dead wrong. My self-imposed silence didn't lend itself to making me an attractive candidate for anyone's companionship. But I guess I should be thankful that it pricked the curiousity of the then-president of the club, since she decided to pry herself into my life and is now absolutely my best friend. Its funny because she's about your age and I think I've always reached out to that sort of figure because I drew a lot of comfort from your friendship. :)
Since then I've enjoyed a content and happy life for the most part. School-wise I'm still studying music, but I made the decision at the beginning of last year to double in art as well, and its been the best thing ever for me. Things with my parents are good, I have a much better relationship with both of them, and I intend to keep it that way at least until I graduate and move out, haha. My brother turned out to be another bit of a shock for then when he found himself a boyfriend, and he draws most of the attention for being 'rebellious' to himself lately. Haha, I'm sort of grateful.
As far as my personal life goes, I've been single since we last spoke. Can't really date any girls since a) most of them in my environment are straight or psycho, b) parents, and c) I would be expelled even before b found out. And then as far as boys go... they don't really chase me and I don't really have the heart to feign interest. I get some intense pangs of loneliness here and there from all of this, but I guess overall, I've got a lot more to be thankful for than to mope about.
There's so much more I could (and want) to tell you, but I'm reminded that this is your journal (though I care little what the world thinks of me now haha) and so ill leave it at that 'brief' tidbit haha.
I want to know so much about your life as well, I've thought about you and the others since the day I logged off for good and wondered so much. Ill keep watching your journal and comment when I can, though. :) our brainlink will keep me connected until the day we can speak freely again. And man am I looking forward to that day. :)
I'm glad you found a friend! :D That settles a lot of my worries. And I must say, I'm quite amused that your brother has a boyfriend. It must run in the family (at least, for the two of you XD).
For a short rundown of what has happened to me, let's see...
1) I dropped out of uni due to financial reasons. My dad's an ass. I'm poor and living from paycheck to paycheck. Things could be worse, but at least I'm living with my cousin so I'm not out on the streets.
2) Socially I've made some inroads, in the sense that I've found a new best friend, if only because we find it easy to tell each other stuff. Because, you know, the whole gay thing doesn't go around very well with most people in my area. And this friend of mine is ok with just about anything (and is also gay, so it really helps. XD)
3) I've done the unthinkable and confessed to the person I liked, so you can be reasonably proud of me. Sure, I got turned down, and while we're still tentatively friends, I've barely seen hide or hair of her since, so I don't hold out much hope in that area either. I thought it'd hurt more, but I bounced back faster than I imagined. It helps to have a good support system in place. And also it helps that there was a decent rebound around. I'm a jerk, I know, but hey. I need the distraction. XD
4) As you can imagine, I am working. XD I hate my job, but I get money for it so I can't complain too much. I feel trapped in my circumstances, and I feel like all my passion and creativity is locked up in my head with nowhere to release. I'm happy that you're doing a double degree in art and music -- those are the two things that I always associate with you. :) I'm still writing fanfic, though sometimes I feel really empty inside because it feels like I lack a good sounding board. It just isn't the same as before, when we used to go nuts at ungodly hours (for me) and come up with the wackiest ideas. I do wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life sometimes...it seems like I'm still groping around for a purpose. Haha.
But yes. I can't wait for the day when we can finally talk to each other again. It's good to know that you're still out there, and I feel less alone with the knowledge that our brainlink is still reasonably active despite time and distance. :D You helped to pull me out of relying on antidepressants when I was in an awful way. There is no one else who has done that, and is capable of doing that. I was happy when you reappeared, even though it was brief, that time. I do miss you, old friend. :) Never imagine I'll forget. :D
Eh, well, he had one. See... I sort of alerted my parents to it. More because the guy was hard into drugs and in trouble with the cops. So its my fault they found out about him. I don't feel bad about it lol especially since he was always so judgemental towards me, the hypocrite. Feh.
I'm sad to hear that you're not getting to go to uni anymore... :< but glad to know you're living with your cousin and not on the streets, for sure. And also happy to know you have a good best friend that you can talk to. :) I think its funny how we worried most that the other needed a friend.
And I'm so proud that you confessed! :o impressed even, perhaps you've changed more than I thought, eh? :3 I'm sorry that the feelings were not returned in kind, but not that you had the boldness to be real with yourself and your feelings. And I don't think you're a jerk in the slightest, I likely would have been the same way had I been in your place.
At least you're working and not bein a bum. And making money, haha. I can understand feeling trapped, tho. I feel trapped here at home this summer. No place around here is hiring college students (since they want the employees to stay on for six months, which I can't do) and that leaves me alone most of the time since my parents and brother work. I'm taking an online class but having to force myself through it, and I have been creatively blocked all summer. I've started writing some again, but like you, I feel it isn't the same. Nothing is the same without being able to get out all this creative energy with you. :( I've told my best friend multiple times how stifled I feel and she feels helpless to do anything. I've tried a lot, nothing really works. Its disheartening, to say the least. I also agree with you about not knowing what purpose I have in life. I think sometimes I'm in school just to pass the time, because everyone else does...
I'm glad hearing from me has made you feel less alone. :) truly. I should have said something sooner, I just didn't have the courage until now. Ill keep up with you as best I can through here, and when I get the opportunity to be on my own, you'll be the first to know, I promise! We've grown so much since we met all those years ago (If I remember correctly, I was 16 and so nervous to talk to you, my writing idol, for the first time that my fingers trembled when I typed. Now I'm nearly 21 and the memory makes me laugh so much, haha). But I think the things that bonded us so closely remain and I am definitely relieved and happy to know that. You kept me sane when I had to hide, and allowed me to vent what damaged me on the inside, all the things I had to keep bottled up.
Actually I'm really glad that she didn't say yes. I wouldn't have known what to do if she did. ^^; Lame, I know lol.
I'm sure you've changed more than I thought too, but we're still the same where it matters with which each other. ;) When you get back I'll tell you a really funny story of how my drama all went down. It went like a fanfic. A really bad one (or a really good one, since I wrote it XD).
You ever consider doing tutoring? Then again, such things are easier in the city I live. There are more work opportunities around for some reason, if you don't mind the peanut pay and hard work. Wages are kinda depressed, but I chalk it down to me not being a degree holder. Ah well.
I really do miss going to school, even though it was really just what everyone else did. A degree is really just a piece of paper, relatively meaningless in the long run (but it still gets your foot in the door for an interview!). Maybe I just liked going to school for the opportunity to delay growing up. XD; That and I actually enjoy learning, even though I hated studying. Does that even make sense? Haha. :P
I find it funny that the more we talk here, the easier it feels to kinda just...feel you in my head. It's almost like we never really left to begin with. XD I'm curious about something: how much longer do you have on your course of study? I'd imagine it'll take some time to find a job after you graduate, but it's a relatively good timetable as to when you'll be available to talk again. I'm also really flattered (and amused!) about your first memory regarding me. XD That's funny, I don't really feel that impressed talking to anyone, but you know how I'm just a ball of arrogance. XD I'm glad I was able to help you, definitely. I miss being able to talk freely with you (even though my friend helps! as I'm sure yours does). Being honest with the things we think and feel definitely relieves stress. Haha.
And oh man I gotta get changed and head to work. XD I'll talk to you another time! (and we're totally turning this into a full conversation, aren't we? XD)
What YOU need are lessons in love, my friend. >3 except, don't look at me, I'm a failure. And I'm also not the pursuing type so I actually have no advice. Haha
I feel different, older, I guess. More scars on the inside. But you're right in that the important things didn't change. :) I look forward to hearing your stories. All of them. I suspect our reunion will be a long one, so we'll have to try and plan it where we have several hours to talk. Or days. Days is good. Haha
And idk about tutoring. I'm not that smart. Lol and lately my head is full of art technique and the history of american pop music, which I doubt will help anyone hahaha. I think if I weren't so lazy I could get out there, but alas, that side of me hasn't changed a bit. ;) still, I'm glad you're making money.
How you feel about school makes perfect sense to me. I'm certainly not at uni for the degree. Well, maybe I am if only to have one, but I'm a terrible student. I'm learning a great deal more about life and people, and those subjects interest me more anyway, and I feel like the information I glean from them turns out to be more valuable.
Haha I feel like we never left either. :) its like we're just tying two strands of thread together and moving on. Comfortable. I miss that feeling the most. As far as uni goes, I have two more years until I graduate. I suppose ill complete them... I'm not really passionate about school anymore since my best friend just graduated and its sort of like starting all over again... but ill make the most of it. I keep telling myself that I just need to finish what I started. I'm not a quitter! -ragefist- lol after that, nothing's really clear other than moving out. Maybe even before that, we'll see. I'm sort of just goin with the flow right now.
Heheh, we did just have a full conversation, huh. I have no complaints. :)
I do feel like we need days to talk. I honestly could go without food or sleep for that one extended (and extended and extended) conversation. XD There's just so much we haven't been able to be there for each other, but it'll be fun recounting every little thing we can remember, and then some. :D
You're smart enough, so don't go putting yourself down. You're just interested in the things you want to do, and that's what I wish I could go back to. I do the things I have to do, and I hate every second of it, but that's life for you. I'm so frustrated about that right now -- but we'll discuss it another time. :)
Learning about life and people certainly is what I love to do. I've hopped from job to job, never really staying very long at each one, and while one could view me as a failure in work since I never attempted a start into a career of any kind, I feel like I took away things that are important to me personally. Not that society in general cares though. But it doesn't stop it from mattering to me. And that's important.
Two more years huh...we'll figure out something. :) I'm glad your comment came when it did, because I was in an absolutely foul mood before I took a look at it. General irritation with the world, you know. Sometimes I wish I could just let it go, admit defeat, and just embrace the system -- but I can't. It's not who I am. I've already reluctantly slipped into that yoke of expectation, and it sucks to hell. But I won't be beaten by it. If I surrender even my thoughts to it, that's when I truly lose. Society can have my body, they won't have my mind.
Sorry, got a bit sidetracked there. ^^; You know how it is. Talking to you just feels so right. I feel like I've finally found that quiet place where I can finally center myself and find some kind of peace. I'm glad we can talk like this. :)
Two years will pass soon enough. Your indenture won't be too bad. :P Do finish uni! I never got to, and part of me remains angry at the fact. There's more that story too, remind me to tell you about it when the time comes. :D Do take care of yourself! -- now why does this sound so familiar (and so futile, since you never did whenever I said it XDDDD)
Maybe both, haha.
I won't pretend to be wise; I'm not, and I never have been, and life never fails to remind me of my shortcomings. However, I will say that in being so like you, I know how you feel. To get to those moments where you're left with you and your brain and the reality of who you really are is nothing short of agonizing.
But what I've learned--and perhaps this is merely a side effect of finding a friend who refuses to leave me alone, regardless of how I lash out, or push away, or retreat--is that no matter what you do, or what you say, or what you've been through, everybody deserves to be loved. You are not so broken and can never be such that you will lose that, I promise you, regardless of what your mind or anyone else tells you.
You can take or leave what I've said--I was just passing through to see how you were doing like I do from time to time (creeper, I know, jeez lol). But if its any comfort at all, know that I still love and care about you, even if not in the way you seek. And even if you've forgotten me or don't care about me anymore, that won't change. :) ever.
Take care, old friend. :) I miss you dearly.
-Fimmy
Reply
And I'm glad you remember me, because I definitely remember you. I miss you terribly too, believe it or not. I was afraid that you'd forget me, or that you'd move on and leave me behind, or that we've grown so apart that there wouldn't be any common ground.
I always feel appalled, relieved and ashamed (all at the same time) that despite all I have done and probably am still doing, my friends still refuse to leave me alone. That even in all my selfishness, they didn't give up -- even though they've considered the option once or twice. Maybe more.
But it remains that they're still here, and I'm going "why?". I wish I could be more open, to be more real, but then I found out that I just instinctively keep people at arm's length. When I choose to connect, I do so without holding back...and that's a huge step to take. It frustrates me when I hold myself back because I don't want to push people sometimes, so I just start being bipolar and pull away even though all I want to do is be closer.
But enough about that. I'm glad you still check around! I have so much to tell you, really. And I really want to know how you've been. I'm sure I missed so much that has happened in your life. I'm glad that our brain connection is still kind of active, since I was seriously thinking about you, and here you are. XD Some things just don't change, and in this case I'm glad they don't! :)
Well, hope to hear from you again! :D
Reply
Everything you're saying--about wondering why your friends are still around, about pushing away when you really want to reach out--I completely get all that. There was a time this last semester when I literally locked myself in my dorm room with my best friend outside banging on it, screaming to let her in and every time I shouted "go away!", inside I really thought, 'please go get a battering ram or something, don't leave me alone here...'
I really wish I knew the remedy for this problem. All I can say is that it was much worse for me when I got to college since I got to the point where I was literally a mute for a while, and through patience and kindness I just started pushing through it. That's why I think you can get through it too. You were always much stronger than me. :) (its saying I have a post limit or some nonsense like that, so this is gonna be split in two. Haha)
Reply
Then second semester rolled around and I decided to make what I thought at the time was going to be the dumbest decision of my life. I joined a sorority. I'll pause, let that sink in for you, and imagine the look on your face.
That's a pretty funny face, haha.
Anyway, I thought that if I had no friends, joining would be an easy way to make them. At first, I was dead wrong. My self-imposed silence didn't lend itself to making me an attractive candidate for anyone's companionship. But I guess I should be thankful that it pricked the curiousity of the then-president of the club, since she decided to pry herself into my life and is now absolutely my best friend. Its funny because she's about your age and I think I've always reached out to that sort of figure because I drew a lot of comfort from your friendship. :)
Since then I've enjoyed a content and happy life for the most part. School-wise I'm still studying music, but I made the decision at the beginning of last year to double in art as well, and its been the best thing ever for me. Things with my parents are good, I have a much better relationship with both of them, and I intend to keep it that way at least until I graduate and move out, haha. My brother turned out to be another bit of a shock for then when he found himself a boyfriend, and he draws most of the attention for being 'rebellious' to himself lately. Haha, I'm sort of grateful.
As far as my personal life goes, I've been single since we last spoke. Can't really date any girls since a) most of them in my environment are straight or psycho, b) parents, and c) I would be expelled even before b found out. And then as far as boys go... they don't really chase me and I don't really have the heart to feign interest. I get some intense pangs of loneliness here and there from all of this, but I guess overall, I've got a lot more to be thankful for than to mope about.
There's so much more I could (and want) to tell you, but I'm reminded that this is your journal (though I care little what the world thinks of me now haha) and so ill leave it at that 'brief' tidbit haha.
I want to know so much about your life as well, I've thought about you and the others since the day I logged off for good and wondered so much. Ill keep watching your journal and comment when I can, though. :) our brainlink will keep me connected until the day we can speak freely again. And man am I looking forward to that day. :)
-Fimmy
Reply
For a short rundown of what has happened to me, let's see...
1) I dropped out of uni due to financial reasons. My dad's an ass. I'm poor and living from paycheck to paycheck. Things could be worse, but at least I'm living with my cousin so I'm not out on the streets.
2) Socially I've made some inroads, in the sense that I've found a new best friend, if only because we find it easy to tell each other stuff. Because, you know, the whole gay thing doesn't go around very well with most people in my area. And this friend of mine is ok with just about anything (and is also gay, so it really helps. XD)
3) I've done the unthinkable and confessed to the person I liked, so you can be reasonably proud of me. Sure, I got turned down, and while we're still tentatively friends, I've barely seen hide or hair of her since, so I don't hold out much hope in that area either. I thought it'd hurt more, but I bounced back faster than I imagined. It helps to have a good support system in place. And also it helps that there was a decent rebound around. I'm a jerk, I know, but hey. I need the distraction. XD
4) As you can imagine, I am working. XD I hate my job, but I get money for it so I can't complain too much. I feel trapped in my circumstances, and I feel like all my passion and creativity is locked up in my head with nowhere to release. I'm happy that you're doing a double degree in art and music -- those are the two things that I always associate with you. :) I'm still writing fanfic, though sometimes I feel really empty inside because it feels like I lack a good sounding board. It just isn't the same as before, when we used to go nuts at ungodly hours (for me) and come up with the wackiest ideas. I do wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life sometimes...it seems like I'm still groping around for a purpose. Haha.
But yes. I can't wait for the day when we can finally talk to each other again. It's good to know that you're still out there, and I feel less alone with the knowledge that our brainlink is still reasonably active despite time and distance. :D You helped to pull me out of relying on antidepressants when I was in an awful way. There is no one else who has done that, and is capable of doing that. I was happy when you reappeared, even though it was brief, that time. I do miss you, old friend. :) Never imagine I'll forget. :D
Reply
I'm sad to hear that you're not getting to go to uni anymore... :< but glad to know you're living with your cousin and not on the streets, for sure. And also happy to know you have a good best friend that you can talk to. :) I think its funny how we worried most that the other needed a friend.
And I'm so proud that you confessed! :o impressed even, perhaps you've changed more than I thought, eh? :3 I'm sorry that the feelings were not returned in kind, but not that you had the boldness to be real with yourself and your feelings. And I don't think you're a jerk in the slightest, I likely would have been the same way had I been in your place.
At least you're working and not bein a bum. And making money, haha. I can understand feeling trapped, tho. I feel trapped here at home this summer. No place around here is hiring college students (since they want the employees to stay on for six months, which I can't do) and that leaves me alone most of the time since my parents and brother work. I'm taking an online class but having to force myself through it, and I have been creatively blocked all summer. I've started writing some again, but like you, I feel it isn't the same. Nothing is the same without being able to get out all this creative energy with you. :( I've told my best friend multiple times how stifled I feel and she feels helpless to do anything. I've tried a lot, nothing really works. Its disheartening, to say the least. I also agree with you about not knowing what purpose I have in life. I think sometimes I'm in school just to pass the time, because everyone else does...
I'm glad hearing from me has made you feel less alone. :) truly. I should have said something sooner, I just didn't have the courage until now. Ill keep up with you as best I can through here, and when I get the opportunity to be on my own, you'll be the first to know, I promise! We've grown so much since we met all those years ago (If I remember correctly, I was 16 and so nervous to talk to you, my writing idol, for the first time that my fingers trembled when I typed. Now I'm nearly 21 and the memory makes me laugh so much, haha). But I think the things that bonded us so closely remain and I am definitely relieved and happy to know that. You kept me sane when I had to hide, and allowed me to vent what damaged me on the inside, all the things I had to keep bottled up.
I am very grateful for you. :)
-Fimmy
Reply
I'm sure you've changed more than I thought too, but we're still the same where it matters with which each other. ;) When you get back I'll tell you a really funny story of how my drama all went down. It went like a fanfic. A really bad one (or a really good one, since I wrote it XD).
You ever consider doing tutoring? Then again, such things are easier in the city I live. There are more work opportunities around for some reason, if you don't mind the peanut pay and hard work. Wages are kinda depressed, but I chalk it down to me not being a degree holder. Ah well.
I really do miss going to school, even though it was really just what everyone else did. A degree is really just a piece of paper, relatively meaningless in the long run (but it still gets your foot in the door for an interview!). Maybe I just liked going to school for the opportunity to delay growing up. XD; That and I actually enjoy learning, even though I hated studying. Does that even make sense? Haha. :P
I find it funny that the more we talk here, the easier it feels to kinda just...feel you in my head. It's almost like we never really left to begin with. XD I'm curious about something: how much longer do you have on your course of study? I'd imagine it'll take some time to find a job after you graduate, but it's a relatively good timetable as to when you'll be available to talk again. I'm also really flattered (and amused!) about your first memory regarding me. XD That's funny, I don't really feel that impressed talking to anyone, but you know how I'm just a ball of arrogance. XD I'm glad I was able to help you, definitely. I miss being able to talk freely with you (even though my friend helps! as I'm sure yours does). Being honest with the things we think and feel definitely relieves stress. Haha.
And oh man I gotta get changed and head to work. XD I'll talk to you another time! (and we're totally turning this into a full conversation, aren't we? XD)
Reply
I feel different, older, I guess. More scars on the inside. But you're right in that the important things didn't change. :) I look forward to hearing your stories. All of them. I suspect our reunion will be a long one, so we'll have to try and plan it where we have several hours to talk. Or days. Days is good. Haha
And idk about tutoring. I'm not that smart. Lol and lately my head is full of art technique and the history of american pop music, which I doubt will help anyone hahaha. I think if I weren't so lazy I could get out there, but alas, that side of me hasn't changed a bit. ;) still, I'm glad you're making money.
How you feel about school makes perfect sense to me. I'm certainly not at uni for the degree. Well, maybe I am if only to have one, but I'm a terrible student. I'm learning a great deal more about life and people, and those subjects interest me more anyway, and I feel like the information I glean from them turns out to be more valuable.
Haha I feel like we never left either. :) its like we're just tying two strands of thread together and moving on. Comfortable. I miss that feeling the most. As far as uni goes, I have two more years until I graduate. I suppose ill complete them... I'm not really passionate about school anymore since my best friend just graduated and its sort of like starting all over again... but ill make the most of it. I keep telling myself that I just need to finish what I started. I'm not a quitter! -ragefist- lol after that, nothing's really clear other than moving out. Maybe even before that, we'll see. I'm sort of just goin with the flow right now.
Heheh, we did just have a full conversation, huh. I have no complaints. :)
-Fimmy
Reply
You're smart enough, so don't go putting yourself down. You're just interested in the things you want to do, and that's what I wish I could go back to. I do the things I have to do, and I hate every second of it, but that's life for you. I'm so frustrated about that right now -- but we'll discuss it another time. :)
Learning about life and people certainly is what I love to do. I've hopped from job to job, never really staying very long at each one, and while one could view me as a failure in work since I never attempted a start into a career of any kind, I feel like I took away things that are important to me personally. Not that society in general cares though. But it doesn't stop it from mattering to me. And that's important.
Two more years huh...we'll figure out something. :) I'm glad your comment came when it did, because I was in an absolutely foul mood before I took a look at it. General irritation with the world, you know. Sometimes I wish I could just let it go, admit defeat, and just embrace the system -- but I can't. It's not who I am. I've already reluctantly slipped into that yoke of expectation, and it sucks to hell. But I won't be beaten by it. If I surrender even my thoughts to it, that's when I truly lose. Society can have my body, they won't have my mind.
Sorry, got a bit sidetracked there. ^^; You know how it is. Talking to you just feels so right. I feel like I've finally found that quiet place where I can finally center myself and find some kind of peace. I'm glad we can talk like this. :)
Two years will pass soon enough. Your indenture won't be too bad. :P Do finish uni! I never got to, and part of me remains angry at the fact. There's more that story too, remind me to tell you about it when the time comes. :D Do take care of yourself! -- now why does this sound so familiar (and so futile, since you never did whenever I said it XDDDD)
Reply
Leave a comment