Teaching
For me, the hardest part about teaching is being the center of attention. I don't like to have all eyes staring at me, I don't get a thrill from thinking on my feet, and I don't feel like I'm qualified to be lecturing to college undergraduates. As the center of attention, all of the responsibility is on you, the teacher. You have to grab and keep their attention. You have to motivate them to systematically process the lecture material. You have to consolidate hundreds of research findings into simple mechanism descriptions and organized powerpoint slides.
But the worst part about being the center of attention is that you have to attempt to avoid and then reconcile any awkward silences. I absolutely abhor social awkwardness, and so teaching is really hard for me. Even when students are engaged and learning, they still take time to soak in the information, the questions, and organize their answers. While all of that is taking place (or not), I'm squirming at the front of the room wishing that I could kill myself to avoid the awkwardness.
I guess my social anxiety is pretty high, and I don't see how I'm going to learn to accept these awkward silences that naturally occur in the classroom setting. For example, silence is natural when the teacher has his/her back turned to the class because s/he is writing on the board. Students are occupied with copying down the notes. But all I hear is silence that I think is my job to fill.
It's like verbal diaherra that I just can't stop because I want to avoid the awkwardness at all costs. So far, my teaching has been mildly entertaining to my students. They point out the inconsistencies and mistakes that I frequently make when I'm talking rapidly to fill the silences. They laugh or smile at my random examples and/or jokes. They try to keep up with me as I spew random thoughts and facts that would be must better explained and learned if I just took a moment to organize them before speaking. But I can't do that because then the silence falls and I start feeling superuncomfortable and awkward. I really need to work on being okay with silence, even if it does turn out to be awkward. I've had this thought before without being able to change my attitudes or behavior. Truth time will be next quarter, when I have three lectures/week. Awesome.
But the worst part about being the center of attention is that you have to attempt to avoid and then reconcile any awkward silences. I absolutely abhor social awkwardness, and so teaching is really hard for me. Even when students are engaged and learning, they still take time to soak in the information, the questions, and organize their answers. While all of that is taking place (or not), I'm squirming at the front of the room wishing that I could kill myself to avoid the awkwardness.
I guess my social anxiety is pretty high, and I don't see how I'm going to learn to accept these awkward silences that naturally occur in the classroom setting. For example, silence is natural when the teacher has his/her back turned to the class because s/he is writing on the board. Students are occupied with copying down the notes. But all I hear is silence that I think is my job to fill.
It's like verbal diaherra that I just can't stop because I want to avoid the awkwardness at all costs. So far, my teaching has been mildly entertaining to my students. They point out the inconsistencies and mistakes that I frequently make when I'm talking rapidly to fill the silences. They laugh or smile at my random examples and/or jokes. They try to keep up with me as I spew random thoughts and facts that would be must better explained and learned if I just took a moment to organize them before speaking. But I can't do that because then the silence falls and I start feeling superuncomfortable and awkward. I really need to work on being okay with silence, even if it does turn out to be awkward. I've had this thought before without being able to change my attitudes or behavior. Truth time will be next quarter, when I have three lectures/week. Awesome.