You're kidding me right?
I got a message from my brother in law’s girlfriend on Friday via myspace. It says in all caps that one of us needs to call one of them asap. So, being lazy and generally unimpressed with the urgency in which she sends me a message via myspace I tell Jeff to call his brother. A few hours later he did so, (we were busy) and upon getting his bro on the phone starts to look somber and serious, all while walking away from me. I think that somebody has died, so I follow him around the house into the office. A few seconds later he says “so you’re going to be a daddy” and it suddenly felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I was gearing up for death, and in some way, this almost seemed worse. I turned away; he was reaching for me, immediately started to cry and went in to the bedroom to calm down. Five minutes or so went by and he came in and just stared at me. I wasn’t sure what to say or do. All I know is that for an instant I hated my unborn niece or nephew and his or her parents. Honestly a little bit longer than an instant. I am a bit shocked and disappointed in myself for this, to be honest. I couldn’t help it; it was the first emotion that hit me.
Over the weekend that hatred has turned in to acceptance, if not an oddly macabre joy, but at the same time some shit’s just not sitting right. Three weeks ago there was talk of splitting up, him only staying with her because of her son, her seeing her son’s paternal father again. Now this girl who “also has PCOS” is pregnant without even trying. If she keeps the baby full term I’ll basically be convinced that she lied to me about her PCOS, and that shit makes me so god damn angry I can’t see straight. That’s like telling a cancer patient you have cancer too, so you can empathize. I don’t know what to think about her anymore. I don’t think I’ll be able to trust her ever again and I certainly don’t want her as part of my family. I keep calling her “That Scranton Piece of Trash” which is totally shitty of me considering my roots. Who the hell am I?
The other byproduct of this is that nobody will talk about it around me. I guess my mother in law has known for a couple weeks, my brother in law assumed she told us but no. Yet not one word has been said when I’ve been around. Everybody says they feel that it’s “unfair to me. It’s too much pressure on me and I’m fragile emotionally right now because of the medications…” (Yes I am quoting) Jeff’s brother actually apologized for it, saying “I know you two have been trying real hard…” I just want to slap every single one of them on the back of the head for being that way.
Want to add insult to injury? I’m three weeks late. Not pregnant, just late. It’s like pre-Karma for hating the little one for a few minutes. I don’t think I deserve kids; I’m too fucking mean.
I’m ok though, I mean, what else can I be? All I can do is take a deep breath, plaster on the smile and convince myself that everything is going to work out. 95% of the time I am ok with the whole thing. I keep that attitude positive, keep track of my stuff, I’m diligent. I just have to keep up with that. Unfortunately the whole thing is so consuming. Every spare moment I am thinking about it. People keep saying to stop and just let it happen, but I’ve never been that type of person. I just need to sort it all out sometimes.