(no subject)
So I don't know when I last updated this so I might as well do it now.
Things have changed a lot. I've changed a lot this year already. I feel like I am starting to see myself more objectively. Like the ideas I have about the way I talk and act, I am seeing through those, and it feels like I am appearing to myself how everybody else must see me.
I moved out of home the same week I broke up with Josie. So those two major changes occurring at once were a good way to ensure I'd never really be the same again, as before those things. Not in a bad way, just in a way. I spent the next month getting drunk every day. The last week or so I've not been getting drunk as often, although I plan to tonight, as I did a few times on the weekend. But not so often.
I am, however, having a great deal of trouble getting to sleep at night, am having weird mood swings, and having things that feel like mild panic attacks during uni. I've never had anything like it before. My head just freaks out and starts to shake (inside, it's hard to explain) and seems to lock up real tight. My vision goes a bit blurry on the edge and I feel in my chest like I'm going to cry or yell or something and I just want to get out.
I feel that there is one common thread connecting all of these aspects of my life and that I need to find it.
Oh, I've also been finding myself utterly obsessed with certain, different girls for a couple of weeks and then moving on to another one. I never do anything about it, but the fluidity with which these obsessions move, and their intensity, is unsettling. I had the opportunity today to talk a bit to the latest girl, but didn't take it, and it made me realise that a) I am the worst person to ever fuck me over (which I believe I have spoken about before and b) that out of the couple of relationships I've had, I've never really really liked the other person to begin with and they have had to grow on me, which seems to suggest that I've missed out on the best kinds of relationships, where attraction is mutual and powerful. Of course, this takes us back to point a), where I am the worst person for myself and generally succeed in stopping myself get what I want, for reasons which are as unknown to me as they are infuriating, and depressing, at the same time. It is a strange duality.
I've gotten into an album by this band called Propagandhi, who some of you probably know if you've managed or bothered to read this far, or even read at all. They're great. I've never really liked punk before, and definetely not to the extent that I like Propagandhi. I think it's because they're catchy as hell and really intelligent lyrics-wise, and they have a great deal of energy which I haven't heard in music lately. I guess it is a lot more human than some of the music I listen to - and it's nice to hear people really fucking passionate about issues or themes.
So yeah. A quick update of the year. Or, the last 10 weeks, if I am to believe the Livejournal front page. I don't have the internet at my new place (yet), so updates are sporadic and generally brief. Ah, fuck it. You know what? That's not true - I could have updated more, I just don't give that much of a fuck. I love you, you're great, but the effort required to sit down and type out something, and the confidence to believe that people will care, is more than I am capable of at the moment.
Except today because I have things to get off my chest.
I can't believe how cathartic this entry has been.
xxoo
Things have changed a lot. I've changed a lot this year already. I feel like I am starting to see myself more objectively. Like the ideas I have about the way I talk and act, I am seeing through those, and it feels like I am appearing to myself how everybody else must see me.
I moved out of home the same week I broke up with Josie. So those two major changes occurring at once were a good way to ensure I'd never really be the same again, as before those things. Not in a bad way, just in a way. I spent the next month getting drunk every day. The last week or so I've not been getting drunk as often, although I plan to tonight, as I did a few times on the weekend. But not so often.
I am, however, having a great deal of trouble getting to sleep at night, am having weird mood swings, and having things that feel like mild panic attacks during uni. I've never had anything like it before. My head just freaks out and starts to shake (inside, it's hard to explain) and seems to lock up real tight. My vision goes a bit blurry on the edge and I feel in my chest like I'm going to cry or yell or something and I just want to get out.
I feel that there is one common thread connecting all of these aspects of my life and that I need to find it.
Oh, I've also been finding myself utterly obsessed with certain, different girls for a couple of weeks and then moving on to another one. I never do anything about it, but the fluidity with which these obsessions move, and their intensity, is unsettling. I had the opportunity today to talk a bit to the latest girl, but didn't take it, and it made me realise that a) I am the worst person to ever fuck me over (which I believe I have spoken about before and b) that out of the couple of relationships I've had, I've never really really liked the other person to begin with and they have had to grow on me, which seems to suggest that I've missed out on the best kinds of relationships, where attraction is mutual and powerful. Of course, this takes us back to point a), where I am the worst person for myself and generally succeed in stopping myself get what I want, for reasons which are as unknown to me as they are infuriating, and depressing, at the same time. It is a strange duality.
I've gotten into an album by this band called Propagandhi, who some of you probably know if you've managed or bothered to read this far, or even read at all. They're great. I've never really liked punk before, and definetely not to the extent that I like Propagandhi. I think it's because they're catchy as hell and really intelligent lyrics-wise, and they have a great deal of energy which I haven't heard in music lately. I guess it is a lot more human than some of the music I listen to - and it's nice to hear people really fucking passionate about issues or themes.
So yeah. A quick update of the year. Or, the last 10 weeks, if I am to believe the Livejournal front page. I don't have the internet at my new place (yet), so updates are sporadic and generally brief. Ah, fuck it. You know what? That's not true - I could have updated more, I just don't give that much of a fuck. I love you, you're great, but the effort required to sit down and type out something, and the confidence to believe that people will care, is more than I am capable of at the moment.
Except today because I have things to get off my chest.
I can't believe how cathartic this entry has been.
xxoo